Today, I mean, yesterday, because it's past midnight here, I kind of lost it with my mother. I "went for a drive" with her. I started trying to let it out, but she took it as an attack and I panicked, so I started shrieking in the car.
Here's the thing. She says she loves me and it's true. She says she admires me and it's true. She says she's proud of me and it's true. Her "fear" is just the goddamn most exhausting thing. Also, she'll tell me on and on about "what she does for me" when she feels attacked. What my family did to me is unacceptable. I was stuck in that house for 26 years. There was no way for me to leave it.
They did awful, awful things to me. They abused me. I had felt so sick. I still don't doubt that they love me and that they're proud of me. You may not believe it.
They like to manage me. You know, file papers on my behalf, right? I escaped from home and I live a much better life. My mother is still my representative payee and I don't want to "rock the boat" when I have so many people working on my behalf. I have a case manager from the New Jersey Division of Developmental Disabilities and all this help I'm getting in order for me to have my apartment...well...that's really not the issue. She's managing this stuff very well. She's terrified of messing it up, so she does everything regarding Social Security perfectly.
I just am sick of delirium. My father has fallen ill after his mother died in, believe it or not, the same nursing home as where Olivia de Havilland just died. My mother is telling me to "forgive him." Whenever I talk to him on the phone while he's in the hospital, he tells me how much he loves me. That's no lie.
I'm just sick of delirium. When I was living at that house, it was horrible. I had done awful, awful things in order to survive. I had put on a wholesome, romantic façade that I had had no ability to control. I had gone to Nintendo and My Little Pony events to only feel so sick. I was no "fan" of either of those things. In fact, once I got out of that house to the dorms, there was no need for any of those social events anymore and I had felt so angry and ashamed.
Now, I live on my own in my own apartment and it was torturous at first. I just had a feature phone and that was it. I then got the iPhone that I have now and I had switched providers several times until I had found one that I had been happy with. I got a business laptop from 2013 for $20. I had been tethering with the iPhone at super slow speeds.
I had had nearly one-and-a-half Bitcoin and I just couldn't take the outright delirium anymore, so I spent it all and then some on a super PC setup. I told myself that "I could've played games" with it. Well, I don't even LIKE games. The thing is that I'm not outright terrified by all fiction, but I don't like fiction. I prefer to stay in the real world. Most people have Netflix, though. They get by with a job, social interaction, perhaps, their family, other hobbies, and things like Netflix.
I don't want to deal with fiction. Also, I'm not a social person. The fewer humans in my life, the better. I'd rather drive. Driving did so much good for me. That's why my mother started "taking me out for drives" about a year ago, but it'd be better if I did it, of course! I feel so embarrassed. Why does delirium always take over? It's because of stress. It's something that I try to hide. My brother would tell me "BULLSHIT! YOU SPEND MONEY BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO HAVE COMPUTER THINGS!"
Absolutely NOT! I've been spending money because I've been fighting DELIRIUM! It's better now that I have my super-duper computer setup, but it's not good enough. Four monitors, okay? Sometimes, I use my iPad Mini as a fifth monitor. Games are far better than social media is for me, but driving would just do it for me. I've gotten different responses each time for the past 9 years. My parents aren't ever going to have me drive again and if "there not being enough for it" is no lie now, believe me, it was not a lie in the past.
I'm getting a large of sum of money this fall and I intend to save it, so before I spend it attempting to fight delirium, I'm moving my transfer to the Stevens Institute of Technology to next year. My mother is paying for my three remaining classes at Bergen Community College, but I need additional classes to get into either Computer Engineering or Computer Science at Stevens, so I'm enrolled at Hudson County Community College, where I can receive financial aid.
I'll take Windows Server and Biology at Bergen this fall and Network Troubleshooting this spring in order to complete my degree, but I'll take Calculus this fall at Hudson and Chemistry and Physics this spring at Hudson. This way, I don't have to wait another year in order to apply there.
My mother would reply "It's NOT MY FAULT!" when I told her that I spent all my money on game nonsense, but eventually, after that painful and scary car ride where I was coughing so much from all the stress of me trying to let it out, I sent her text messages EXPLAINING that I'm not being "impulsive." I'm trying to fight delirium. Maybe, if I didn't feel this delirium, I wouldn't be "impulsive," as my mother calls me.
I've been a part of the STEM Student Scholars Program at school this year and again, my parents being so proud of me is the truth, but I don't like the deflection that I've gotten for nine years about getting a car. One day, it's that "they don't have the money." One day, it's "WHERE WOULD YOU GO IF YOU HAD A CAR?" One day, it's "HOW WOULD YOU PAY FOR GAS AND INSURANCE?" One day, because someone with authority brings it up, it's "NO! THERE WERE ACCIDENTS!" One day, it's "You'll have to sign a special needs trust if you want a car!" One day, it's "YOU CAN'T HAVE A CAR WITH SOCIAL SECURITY!" Not true. I don't like these people and I don't process "love" like other people do. I'd be just fine without my family and given how stressful they are, just give that time.
"I'LL TAKE YOU THERE!" has become the default answer for years now. My brother got a brand new Chevrolet Equinox as a graduation gift in 2013 or 2014. He was getting checks from my father for an apartment on 113th Street in Manhattan. He had my grandmother pay for two Ivy League schools. I was suffering. I was stuck at that house with LUNATICS! I was so neglected in the past and I had to build my way out of the emotional and physical prison that they made for me. My father was so concerned with "the best." "The best" colleges. My brother was at "the best" high school. He was making "the most" money after he got a job. And I was treated like SHIT!
I don't WANT to be "Steve Jobs" or "Bill Gates." I WANT TO BE MYSELF! I don't even know what "the best" means. I don't try to be "the best." I try my best. My family has accused me often of not trying. Wrong again. I've tried every day of my life.
Why were there "accidents?" The same reason I passed out in a parking lot on Martin Luther King Day in 2010. All the shit they pulled on me then WOULD lead to accidents. I was running out of that house to escape. And they psychologists and psychiatrists who I was forced to be around were no help. First, they tell me to "drive." They tell me that my mother shouldn't be driving me to school, which, in 2010, my mother didn't accept. They said that my psychologist was "giving me ideas" and they complained about how awful she was for saying that.
Why did I have to wait in the car while my mother went to dress stores before going to school? Why did public safety have to watch over me because she had picked me up after the school's closing time? And the time I just decided to leave, I still remember my parents screaming at me in the driveway. When I got back, my mother had told me "If I had done what you did, you would've BEATEN ME TO THE CORE!" Then, whenever my mother would see parents dropping their children off at that school, she had said "LOOK! THAT STUDENTS IS BEING DROPPED OFF BY HER PARENTS!" because my psychologist had said "Parents don't drop their kids off at college." My psychologist had said that my family's "You can't DRIVE ON HIGHWAYS!" was nonsense. Then, I drove on a highway and my parents had panicked. After my accidents, though, those doctors turned on me. "Are you SURE YOU'RE ABLE TO DRIVE?", for example.
I don't like the name "Bill Gates." I've been harassed with that name for nearly twenty-five years. Anyway, I laid it all out for my mother today and she's not going to try to change anything. I'm trying not to be angry at myself because I KNOW what has been going on. When I was living at the dorms, those Greyhounds did so much good for me. Spending hours on the road by myself, I remembered what "driving" did for me.
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