Was this all misunderstanding?
I converted 9 years ago, living in my own apartment, chronic chain smoker and the home I was in seemed... Off, somehow? I heard noises, voices and I believed I was schizophrenic until one day I was approached by a voice who offered to make me a deal in return for helping possess someone else - I refused. Then another night, 7 months after that event, I heard a voice order me to go towards my door and I did, backing myself up towards the wall near the front door and I then felt a distinct hand suffocate me and clutch at my neck. I was an atheist back then and then realized if demons were real then God must be as well? Upon realizing this and uttering God's name, the hand let go of me.
I contacted a deliverance ministry and they came in and anointed me with holy oil and they exercised the house. The creaking, banging, all the voices stopped for a moment and they reintroduced me to the gospel. They put the footage of my home on TV (this happened at Terrace Apartments in Rancho Cucamonga) and used it as "proof" of demonic entities existing.
Shortly after that, they invited me to live with them but after a church scandal, I left the home. At this time I was given a vision of receiving a wedding dress and ring and I believed I was meant to wed God and ran from the Church back to my apartment, only to find my parents had canceled the lease and disowned me overnight, effectively making me homeless. I became homeless. Over the last 9 years, I have suffered:
- My mother dying
- Physical illness
- Fatigue
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Completely lost my looks, my hair fell off in clumps and I became bloated and bald
- Reputation ruined amongst everyone who knew me
- Character assassination
- Homelessness
- 6 deaths in people close to me
- Assault
- Rape 3x
- Prostitution
- Human trafficking
- Got beaten 3 times
- Had a knife assault
- Constant displacement
- Wrongful Incarceration
- Being framed for a felony
- Lost all my friends and neighbors and family
- *Lost $4 million in bitcoin and $3 million in inheritance* (this hurts because I became homeless)
- My father and sister betrayed me for the inheritance
- I was abandoned by God and received no response
- Was stalked, harrassed and sexually assaulted multiple times
- Was poisoned 3x and had to be resuscitated once after dying (I experienced nothing while dead)
- Extreme spiritual attacks from demonic entities
- Hostility from people
- Severe psychological harm
- Extreme duress
- Loss of my mobility
- Was bedridden in a hospital for years
- Was threatened multiple times
- Feared for my safety constantly
Before this, I was a rich girl from a very well off family with her own apartment in a fancy area of California, never working a day in her life and studying voice acting. I was addicted to pain meds but I quit when I found out Jesus was real, after the hand incident. I was clean while I received the intense vision of the wedding dress and multiple pastors could testify that my house was demonically infested by some kind of entity. They received visions of me as well, and they envied me. One thing a pastor noted was that I reminded her of Job, which surprised me and it was to my disbelief because I did not consider myself righteous.. I believed I was a dirty sinner who was most certainly not an upstanding person.
I did curse God though in my anger, although I have Tourette's too, which resurfaced after these traumatizing experiences - Tourette's usually resolves itself after childhood but can re emerge in adults after severe trauma like the loss of a loved one or losing a job... Come on, I was almost MURDERED by a demon! It resurfaced.
Anyway, after I left the church, I wasn't allowed back though I attempted to try going back to them and despite once receiving visions and communication from God, I stopped hearing from Him and these misfortunes all fell upon me until recently, when I heard from Him again. I don't know what to say to Him. I feel so angered. I feel so betrayed. I made a mistake and repented for it but He didn't respond until now, seemingly saying that my punishments made it possible to redeem me for Heaven. How come others live easy lives but I had to make it through Hell and back i order to even survive? How come my sister walked away with millions and I was left destitute after my mother's death and was even trafficked?
I was basically told it was a punishment for my behavior.
I'm perplexed because I was told that He understands everything, without even words. There is no reason to convince Him or to speak to Him about the reasons and motivations for your actions because He already knows. So when I cussed, I wouldn't explain it was a tic, or when I had a violent thought I assumed He knew I had OCD intrusive thoughts where violent intrusive images are commonplace.
I didn't once explain why I left the pastor's house, just believing He would know. I didn't once try to convince Him believing He knew what argument I would use. I just remained silent.
I am autistic.
I have communication issues and I have been severely traumatized by this and am in a dire state of need for understanding and compassion. This has left me severely bitter and this is just a short summary of the last 9 years. I am constantly in danger both spiritually and physically and I am so scared and so sad all the time. I want to be together with my family, but I can't be. My mom is dead. My cats and I are separated for now. I am currently living in a container in someone's backyard. I have repeated nightmares of demons assaulting me at night. I have attempted deliverances and pastors say I am in urgent need of one but finances, lack of transportation and available deliverance ministers make it currently impossible to do that. I believed I was special, upon obtaining that vision. I believed God knew everything about me, so I didn't introduce myself or explain anything to Him about myself in prayer. He is omniscient and omnipresent so He is capable of knowing everything about me right?
Or did I have to explain things?
Why was I punished? Why?
