Early TL;DR: I achieved the American Dream way earlier than I expected, but I'm more stressed and anxious and less happy each year. Since I'm sure many of you have gone through this, I'd love your input as to why and what I can do about it.
For context, I'm a healthy 33AM INTJ. Good family, no history of depression personally. Parents hammered in "work hard, save a lot" immigrant mentality from a young age. Went to top-ranked high school and college on academic scholarships, so no college debt at all. I started a successful business at 26 with my business partner, who I trained. Make about $200k a year and counting, net worth near half a million when 10 years ago I was worth like $5-10k.
While I'm not "rich," compared to my poor-ish childhood in NYC apartments, I already have more money at 33 than I ever thought I would as an English major grad. And at the rate my business is growing, my biz partner and I are set to hire people to run it for us by the time I'm 40. I could retire in 7 years with ~$1 million in net worth or more (by 45 if I wanted $2M). I also live in a much lower cost-of-living, income tax-free state now.
So, on paper, I've achieved the poor immigrant kid's American Dream much earlier than I expected: got the pretty house with lawn and backyard, car + garage, wonderful fiance (80% of the time), three awesome dogs, no kids or plans for them yet, successful and growing biz, healthy parents, good relationships with my parents and close guy friends, excellent business partner, etc.
Yet I'm oddly dissatisfied with life in a way I can't quite put my finger on. And my anxiety is getting worse and worse each year. I don't have a history of being or feeling ungrateful, and yet it is harder and harder for me to take pleasure in what I've achieved and in the hobbies I used to enjoy.
I feel guilty whenever I'm not being "productive" and I hate that because in college I was super chill and I miss being that way sometimes. I want to unwind a bit more and enjoy the fruits of my labor, yet on the days when I only need to work 2-4 hours (mostly Fridays), I'm almost miserable and can't figure out how to spend my time. I just took two weeks off for the holidays and got back to work, but I feel like I needed another two months off.
I have some theories on why I'm feeling this way, but I'd love the insights of anyone who's been in a similar situation, and who has ADHD like me since I'm sure you can relate.
Possibility #1: Because of my ADHD, I'm restless. I want to do more with myself, but because I'm making decent money already I'm not motivated or "hungry" enough to do it. My back is no longer against the wall, and I'm more confident than ever, yet somehow I feel lesser than because I'm working less hard than I used to.
Perhaps I'm tying too much of my self-worth to how much/how hard I work, or how much money I make? If this is the case, how do I stop doing that and begin to enjoy the life I've built more? My dad is one of the happiest/most satisfied men I know and he had a hard immigrant's life and never made a lot of money. Yet he's still happy.
Possibility #2: Series of unfortunate events. In the past 4 years, I've dealt with (in no particular order): making and losing half a million in Bitcoin in a few months, almost losing my dad to cancer, and becoming his part-time caretaker for a year (he's recovered and in remission now), an ex who turned out to have BPD and compulsively lied about everything for 4 years (I didn't know, and broke up with her as soon as I did), couple's counseling with my fiance who is trustworthy but has anger issues due to her childhood, the stressors of starting and running a business, and COVID (which temporarily erased 90% of our pipeline).
Am I just burned out/exhausted by this string of negative events? For anyone else who has dealt with similar burnout at high levels of performance, how long did it take you to recover and feel 100% again?
Possibility #3: I'm having the inevitable tertiary/mid-life crisis (I feel like I already had my quarter-life crisis at 25, which is why I started a biz) and this too will pass in time. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried, and most men go through this no matter how successful they are?
Any and all thoughts, advice, tips, etc. would be appreciated. Thank you all in advance! I'll try to reply to questions as often as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment