OK................It's Time for My Annual Pre-Burning Man Rant and Predictions. 24 Years of going to Burning Man.

OK................It's Time for My Annual Pre-Burning Man Rant and Predictions. 

24 Years of going to Burning Man.

I came to Burning Man at 17 years old in 1997, and I made a promise to myself when I saw Him Fall In Flames for the first time that I would come back to the Burn every year until They stopped doing it. Here I am all

these years later still Ranting and Raving. Asking myself "How The Fuck is this Pyro-Art-Festival-Dirt-Rave-For-Techies we call Burning

Man still a Thing?" After Two years off and a Renegade, Burning Man is still going and so am I.

So Procrastinate your Packing and let’s get this thing Cracking!

Zapper Jones is here to Drop Pants and Drop Rants. Let's Do It! 

Why we must Protect Old Naked Dudes On Bikes At All Costs.........

Old Naked Dudes on Bikes play a very key role in the management of the Burner-Ecosystem. These Majestic Rolling Grey Beards act as the pollinators of our culture. 

They blaze trails though the Playa Dust creating the perfect environmental conditions that the ShirtCock Colonies, and packs of Hairy Naked Weirdos can thrive. 

 Assholes with Megaphones Depend on the Shirtcockers and Hairy Naked Weirdos As steady staple in their Diet of Amplified Harassment.  But Most importantly Assholes with Megaphones also prey upon Influencers and GOOD-VIBES-ONLY-Burners and this helps to prevent Coachella outbreaks. 

Too Much Influence and Good-Vibes-Only can cause painful inflammation of Coachella on Your Burning Man. 

The Weather:

 I hope it's terrible. We have had it way too good for way too long. It just seems appropriate that after two years off, we should have todeal with some big winds and serious dust storms or some otherbullshit. Burning Man is at its Best when the weather is at its worst............ 

Fuck Our Burn.

ArtCars:

The ArtCars of Burning Man Never disappoint. Every year they keep getting Bigger, Brighter and Louder.

The only problem is that there will be far less Artcars Cruising the Playa. I have been talking with Many Previous Artcar Owners who have decided that instead of spending thousands of dollars and year round work just to wave their Metaphorical Dicks around, That it is Much Cheaper and Efficient to just drop pants physically wave dick on playa. Shirtcocking is Back! 

The Large Scale Art:

 Well it's going to be bigger and better than last year's Renegade, but that's not saying much. And right now Shit is all Fucked up in the Art Department because 90% of the Installations had been Curated for a 2020 Burning Man that never fucking happened... Meanwhile over the past Two years the price of goods such as Lumber and Steel have skyrocketed! So don't be surprised if most of it seems totally Half-Assed and created on a shoestring budget. 

It's a Half-Assed Burning Man.

After this much time off, you would think that everyone would have their shit together. Guess again BurnWad. This year everyone is Burning On A Budget.

Mayan Warrior has sold their old sound system and replaced it with 50 self-powered Mackie Speakers. Robot Heart is only driving out to Mid-Playa to save money on gas.

Opulent Temple has been downgraded to just "Upscale Temple”.

Camp Question Mark is just letting their Wooks out to graze on open playa instead of corn feeding them this year. 

The Surrounding Camps are preparing for the Roaming

Wook-Herd by building False Trash Fences and playing Deep-House Music in hopes of driving them south into the city. 

Center Camp has given up on Coffee and now is focused on gathering recycled cans to pay the DPW. It's an unsustainable situation because DPW only works for Beer, and Center Camp’s Recycling Program is financially dependent on DPW's recycled beer cans. 

Even the Man himself will be Half-Assed this year. Expensive Neon Lighting To be replaced with more economical LED Strips and Glowsticks.

The Fucksticks on Electric Bikes problem will be of epidemic proportions this year. Most of these lazy assholes haven't ridden a bicycle since Grade School and yet will be traveling at 30 mph in the dark with no lights while high on Ketamine. What could possibly go wrong???  

I’ll tell you. There is going to be many Multi-Fuckstick-Pile-Up-Crashes on the Esplanade. I advise taking the side streets to avoid the Log-Jam-of-Fucksticks clogging up the roadways. To be Clear,  I sincerely do not give a Burning-Fuck about other peoples safety. However I do care about my own.

So Watch out where you are going FUCKSTICK and put some God Damn lights on it on so at least I can jump out of the way before your Oblivious-K-tarded-Ass runs me over.

Shirts On- Pants Off!

The Most recent Official Burning Man census Data poll shows that for the first time since 2004, 60% of Burners support Shirtcocking. This is up a whopping 80% up from the previous census cycle..The change in public perception is in part from the Influx of Previous ArtCar Owners. But mostly it is the  increased popularity of Underground Competitive Shirtcocking. Also known as "Dick-Tricking”. 

Some Of These Professional-Pantsless-Cock-Knockers are even getting sponsorship from Larger camps like PlayaSchool and Dr.Bronners Bath-House. There is new blood in the ShirtCocking Game, making this year a great year for both Oldschool ShirtCockers and Nouveau-Dick-Trickers alike.

Shirt-Twatting is this years Controversial Hot Topic inside the world of Competitive Genital Twisters. 

Some in the Dick-trick Community don't see Snatch-Shirting as a legitimate sport. And Those who bounce around the  Professional-Boobie-Bouncer-Circuit  tend to look down on Shirt-Twatting as it stands in direct defiance of what they do. I for one support all of Competitive Genital sports and look forward to seeing more Dick Waving, Shirt-Snatching, and Professional Titty Jiggling as it becomes even more popular in the coming years.

CATCHPHRASES:

“Fuck Your Burn'' is a long gone phrase of the past. 

"BURN YOUR FUCKS" Is this year's Hot-New-Hard-Snark-Snap.

Others include "Burn Back Better Next Year" , "Best Coachella Ever!" 

"UN-FUCK YOUR BURN”, and lastly "SICK” BURN Can be used in certain context.

MonkeyPox Jokes are DOA. However SARS has always been funny. 

You can stop with the Daft Punk Trash Fence thing all together. This year it's Britney Spears Motivational Speech at Center Camp.

Britney is Free and has wanted to come to Burning Man for over a decade now. So you can bet your last Dogecoin she is gonna be out there.  

Dildos:

Nevada is an open Carry State so I encourage you to exercise your freedoms and openly carry a Dildo. It's a constitutional right, Use it or Lose it. Some People bring Dildos to serve as Self Protection. Others simply enjoy Hunting Wild-Wook on the Deep Open Playa. Lots of people just like tossing 'em around for target practice.

It’s Fun, Family Friendly, and a great way to meet fellow Floppy Trigger Fingers Fanatics. If you are going to be packing rubber at the Burn, just Be aware that some Camps and Bars may ask you to Holster your Dildo at the door for safety reasons. It's all part of being a responsible Dildo owner. It's Basic Safety Protocol to Never Point a Loaded Dildo at someone unless you intend to use it. Keep your rubber dicks locked up when not in use. Never leave a Dildo locked in the car if parked in the Hot Sun.  It's a Good Camp Policy to have at minimum 1 Dildo per 10 people for Safety and Security. Because the only thing that can stop a Bad Guy with a Rubber Dick is a Good Guy with a Bigger Rubber Dick.

Drugs Not Hugs:

Like it or not there is gonna be a shit-ton of SARS out there, and our culture of excessive hugging maybe seems like something we should reconsider. I’m sure I am not the only one that Hates constantly getting smashed, stabbed or punctured by camp medallions when over-enthusiastic huggers aggressively nipple slam and grapple. Sorry, but your suffocating-left-sided-heart-to-heart-over-extend-awkward 45-second-long-hug while doing breath-work is not going to align my chakra or make us connect on a deeper level.  In fact, it might make me sick as fuck in a few days. You Know what be would like 100 times better and something we can both enjoy?   Some Drugs…. So Let's ALL stop doing Hugs and start doing Drugs. Thank You.

A Guide to the Sub-Genres of Music at Burning Man:

What is Bass Music ???

It's Dubstep for Burners who are too embarrassed by Dubstep to call it Dubstep. It's the Sound of Burning Man 2012 and it's still haunting dancefloors with creepy basslines, scary random noises and build-ups that never deliver.  It offers a place of salvation to Nightmare-Hippy-Chicks-on-Acid and Bearded-Wooks on a Vision Quest. It's the type of music for those looking to Blast off on A Righteous Head Trip to communicate with our digital ancestor spirits while pure BASS rattles their lower Charkas.

Unfortunately, the only thing that Bass music DJs like more than a Fat Bass Drop is a Big Name Drop. Between every song these DipShit-Dubsteppers will NameDrop whatever "Fresh Banger Remix" is playing. Or what Half-Produced "Collab" they teamed up with a Bigger Artist on. (NAME DROP) Honestly It's Extremely harsh being sucked back into reality from the 43th dimension on a DMT Vision Quest when all the music suddenly stops for DJ-GlockTriggers Self-Promotion and Shout Out.

What is DeepHouse ???

It's the Doosh-Baggy Sound of Instagram Influencers and the Crypto-Bro-Trust-Fund #sunrise #burningman #blessed #selfie crowd.  It's Chord-Based-Atmospheric-Harmonics are designed to be Flashy, and yet not evoke any emotion that may take away from the Selfie Sunrise Experience. Deep House is Only Played on Large ArtCars on Deep Playa.  It caters to the elite who don't leave the safety of Ketamine Dreams inside Air conditioned RVs but for a few blissful hours at sunrise for photoshoots and champagne with close friends. It’s a part, a deep part, of Deep-Playa-Deep-House-Sunrise-Culture to be Ultra Exclusive and Socially Unavailable. Because through the eyes of an Influencer, everyone else in the world is simply a Follower.

It's another Burning Man Fad that is finally starting to fade away. Now that the Bitcoin Market has crashed and Instagram has very little Influence for Influencers to Influence there is no reason for any of them to come back. The few Deep-Housers who did not invest their life savings into Board Ape NFTs or who didn’t make enough Money from Personal Product Sales on the Gram to survive cultural shift this year are Coming Back, Burning on a Budget, and finding Business Techno to be a more economical approach.

What is Business-Techno ???

It's the sound of TikTok Celebrities and Real Estate Investors who respect the Restaurant-Chain business approach to Techno Music. It is the Hottest-New-DooshBaggy-Music-Trend at 

Burning Man.  Business-Techno is strictly in the Business of Techno

and Business is Booming. Business-Techno is open 24/7 and Flooding the Market with Standard Techno Music,  regardless of Sunrise or Sunset. Why go all the way to Deep Playa when you can enjoy some Simple Business-Techno right on the Esplanade? From a Business point of view, this just makes sense. It's Centrally located closer to Bars and Toilets and most importantly your camp! With Business-Techno there is no need to spend thousands of dollars on high end designer outfits to meet the Top Deck Vip Access Dress Code. Business-Techno only expects you to dress in casual clothing and not smile or dance while standing in the VIP section … because Business-Techno Is Serious Business.

What is EDM ???

EDM is the sound of desperate DJs trying to find the Lowest Common Denominator to get the largest Crowd Reactions. It's a Place for Bimbos and Himbos in neon rave gear who love Cheesedick Electronica and enjoy large group sing-alongs while the DJ plays Top-40 Pop songs mixed with tin-can basslines. You will know it's EDM because the DJ will get on a microphone and tell the crowd what to do. "Put your hands up!!" "SAY HEEEYOOO”! It's your responsibility to NEVER EVER do what an EDM DJ tells you to do. Otherwise the dancefloor turns into Large Scale Aerobics Class with every other gullible EDM-BurnWad line-dancing and taking commands from a former used car salesman turned EDM DJ.

What is Tech-House ???

It's the sound of Zuckerberg-Tech-Bro-Frats and Las-Vegas-Day-Club-Doosh-Bonnets. It takes no risk, has no personality. It won't not rock the boat or the party. It's for those who don't make enough money to climb the social ladder of the "Deep-Playa-Deep-House-Elite”, but are still Far Too Wealthy and Self-Respecting to listen to Bass Music. Tech-House is the white rice of electronic music. It has no taste or flavor, just like the people who DJ it. Tech-House has no enthusiasts. It's hard to get excited about music that is made to be bland. It will soon be a thing of the Burning Man's past as the new Multi-Conglomerate-Sub-Franchised-Business-Techno-Market floods the streets with a similar brand of bland music but at half the cost. Tech-House never had a culture, so most Tech-House DJs won't mind the change in upper management as they switch to Business-Techno.

What is PsyTrance ???

It's the Sound of Modern-European-Festival-Goers And

Old-Acid-Hippy-Psyco-Naughts left over From the 90s Rave scene. PsyTrance is the least popular music at Burning Man. The Brave camps that do play PsyTrance face great ridicule from the Basic-Ass-Burner-Crowd who despise fast tempo music. The Few Lonely and Shamed PsyTrance camps will have sparsely populated dancefloors consisting of 6 or 7 confused International-Burners wondering why this tiny camp is the only one playing PsyTrance. As well as 1 or 2 shirtless balding dudes with grey dreadlocks Tripping Balls on Orange-MicroDots. And a one DJ who recently came back from a 10 day Ayahuasca ceremony somewhere in South America.

OK......Now its time to start the RANT

UM..... We need to talk about what happened last year.....

Renegade Burn showed us what Burning Man would be like without Burning a Man. First of all, It was fucking awesome. It was JankyAs Fuck, and also Pretty Goddamn Sketchy. There was a true sense ofFreedom and relief from the BORG's constant micro-management and relentless-nagging.It showed us all that We would be Just Fine without the BORG. 

Sure , we missed the Sweet Cash-Fueled Large-Scale Artwork that Big Daddy BORG normally doles out. And without a Theme Camp Placement Team a few Uptight-Nag-Burners were subjected to an unwanted PsyTrance Camp. But who gives a Fuck? If you come to a week-long RAVE, you should expect to hear Shitty-Rave-Music all week long.

It's clear that the BORG is deeply upset about last year's Renegade Burn and is doubling down on its Chokehold of Control.

Just The concept of just letting Burners Burn Naturally Goes against everything the BORG has tediously orchestrated over the past 20 years. Hundreds and thousands of man hours and life times of creative human potential have been spent Nit-picking at Board Meetings, attending BORG approved Marketing Seminars, Contacting Community Outreach Subcommittees, Evaluating Interactivity Evaluations, and Exclusive-Commodification Approval Appearances. And after a lifetime of Bureaucracy it was extremely upsetting to the long time BORG members to see Ungrateful Burners Who have never attended a 6-Day-Workshop-Intensive on Community Principals somehow toss together a Better Burning Man in just a few weeks without hardly even trying. What was most upsetting was that Renegade Burn threatened the BORG’S Side-Project-Funding.

The BORG has never given a Flying-Burning-Fuck about the Actual Burning Man Festival. 

Instead they see the Festival as a Cash Cow to fund it's many Lofty-Non-Profit-For-Profit-Legacy-Charity-Pet-Projects. It has no problem selling out the Culture to the biggest donors.

The BORG will always Prioritize Potential Patrons and Charity Donations for their Side-Projects over anything else. During the financial crunch that the pandemic caused, the BORG was hemorrhaging money and almost bankrupt. And when asked about cutting the Non-Essential-Programs, BORG Members made it Clear that they would rather watch the whole Festival go up in Flames and Die out, than cut a single penny from their beloved International-Advocacy-Groups and Smithsonian-Gallery-Legacy-Showcases. Instead the BORG has cut the budget of DPW to the point they only work for Beer, Slashed the Art-Department down to Splinter Stick-Figures, and Raised Ticket Prices. 

They are fucking our Burn! 

Burning Man NEVER Needed "Burners without Borders”.

What Burning Man needed was a "Burn without Board Members."

To re-grasp power, the BORG has stepped the Cultural Direction Initiative into Overdrive.  

The Cultural Direction Initiative:

If you have not read the BORG’s 10 year plan I don’t blame you.

It’s an extremely difficult read. I suffered through all 98 pages of it and I can tell you that 80% was ripped straight from the BORG's Magnetic-Refrigerator-Poetry inside the lunch room.  The remaining part is an Authoritarian Manifesto dedicated to Community Policing of Good Citizenship, featuring Cult-like Indoctrination-Propaganda, and is Hyper-focused on the BORG’s On-Going Deep-Seated Quest for more Worldwide Influence.  

The BORG now calls for more involvement at every point in the process. They are going to radically increase the amount of rules and regulation in the name of

building a Flawless-City-Planned-Detail-Oriented-Thinktank-Curated-Social-Engineered-Utopia-for-the-Middle-Upper-Class.

The 10 Principals Under the Cultural Direction Setting Initiative:

RADICAL SELF  

explanation.

IMMEDIACY  

of email return.

RADICAL INCLUSION  

of paperwork.

GIFTING   

of time to bureaucracy.

RADICAL SELF RELIANCE  

on permission from the BORG.

LEAVE NO TRACE  

of board members paid salaries.

CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY    

to do exactly what the BORG demands.

PARTICIPATION    

is a mandatory year-round  

COMMUNAL EFFORT 

of communication required.

DECOMMODIFICATION

of personal freedom.

Will someone just tell Burning Man it's OK to be Burning Man. It's fine being the Festival it is.

It's OK to call it a Festival.

Larry Harvey called it a Festival.

It's a Festival by all definitions of the word. And if you say that it’s not, you are lying to yourself and the general public. The BORG started with this line of Pretentious Propaganda Crap shortly after they started offering VIP direct flights on a jet airplane via BurnerExpress AIR as a way to separate itself from other festivals. It is

NOT what  you call  Burning Man that is the Problem. The BORG has

bent over Marketing to the Jet-Set-Coachella-Sumertime-Feel-Good-Festival-Crowd , then have to try HARD to explain to these Basic BurnWads that somehow this isn't Coachella. And that's difficult to do when Coachella and EDC offer similar exclusive VIP experiences. The BORG claims this is not a Festival because they don't curate the music. Bullshit! The BORG is

simply subcontracting a music line up via Theme Camps and ArtCars.

They know exactly what type of Doosh-Baggy-Deep-House DJs the Deep

Playa ArtCars are going to bring. Or what kind of Knuckle-Dragging-Dipshit-DjJthe Bass Music camps will pay for. Saying it's not a Festival won't stop EDC and Coachella from buying last year's playa art or renting popular ArtCars for their own events.

 We can call it what it really is = A Big Dirt Rave full of Brain Dead DJss, Halfwit Hippies, Drugged out Dipshits, Raved Out Ravers , Fucked up Fucksticks ,Tech-Industry Idiots, Spiritual-Fakes, ShirtCockers, Weirdos, Wastoids and  a few Old Naked Dudes. on Bikes, filled With a Bunch of Strange Artwork, Meaningless Workshops, Parade Floats, Sound Systems, Terrible Free Drinks, Shit-Tons of LED lights and a FuckLoad of things that Burn. OR we can Just call it a FESTIVAL. It's OK.

This Year Will Be a Year of Change.

 It's up to all of us to "UN-FUCK THIS BURN”.

 So get out there make this Place Weird and Wild. 

I am Zapper Jones, I will be camped at "Camp Fuck Your Camp, Camp”. 

Our motto is "Fuck your Camp”.  I’ll See you Dusty-Half-Assed-Burnwads out there! Lets Fucking Burn It All Down!!