OK........ It's time for my Annual Rant and Predictions, 25 Years of going to Burning Man!!

OK........ It's time for my Annual Rant and

Predictions, 25 Years of going to Burning Man!!

I have watched the festival change from 1997's Psytrance-Hippie-Cluster-Fuck to the Bro-Step-Headache-Doosh-Fest it was in 2013, to the Deep-House-Shallow-Influencer-Hell-Hole of 2018, To the MainStage-Rich-Fuck-Tropical-Deep-House-Bullshit of 2022.

I've seen the Rise and Fall of the Shirt-Cock Revolutionaries and have witnessed the Transformation of Assholes with Megaphones into Carnival Barkers inviting you to Ice Cream Socials. I have seen the fire department douse the Flames of the Burning Man after someone had lit the fire 4 days too early!

I have watched with my own eyes someone sacrifice themselves to the FIRE and die in front of me.

Burning Man is A Fucking Crazy Place and I Fucking Love it!

May the De-Coachella-fication of Burning Man begin!

So, Wet yer Burn-gina's and polish yer Burn-sack's...It's Time for 2023's

Rant and Pre-dick-tions with Zapper Jones!

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For those of you who may not know me, my full time job and life's work is with the Burning Man Cultural Preservation Society. We are NOT funded by the B-org and work directly against the Cultural Direction Committee to stop the atrocities and crimes against our culture that they commit.

(Fuck Their Burn)

We Believe in a Natural Burning Man EcoSystem that Co-Creates alongside the Burning Man Festival, rather than a Culture that is dictated by The B-Org and its polluting elements.

After all, The B-Org are Responsible for the Cultural Extinction of many Burner-Species...

Including the loss of the entire Genus (Shirtcockuis-Insania),

The extinction of the SubSpecies (Loudis Musicianus),

And the removal of (Bendovis-Foranus) to name a few.

Our number one focus is on the conservation of Old Naked Dudes on Bikes (Nudus-Promoveo), for they are the Heart of the Cultural Ecosystem of Burning Man.

Sadly the population has dwindled to Near-extinction. Last year there was only one documented sighting of an Old Naked Dude on a Bike. Unfortunately this single Majestic-Grey-Bearded-Roller was headed westbound...the wrong way from the festival on the other side of 7:00 and J.

Scientists don't know why this last precious-specimen was lost and confused. It is believed the hashtagging might be interfering with their internal compass.

Also it's well known in the scientific community That Old Naked Dudes on Bikes have no natural immunity to Coachella infections. And that can often lead to a terminal case of EDC. Thus the population is on the very edge of extinction.

PREDICTIONS:

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THE WEATHER:

I hope it's fucked. We really need another year of bad weather to clear out the last of the Hashtaggers, Tourists and Rich-Dick-Heads. Burning Man is at its best when the weather is at its worst!

I hope we have a fuck'n blizzard!

THE THEME:

The Furry convention theme is AWESOME. It’s honestly about time that we had a specific sexual fetish themed year.

Our B-Org-friend is just trying to spice up the relationship. It’s the same Ol’ Dusty-Burner-Dick we have all sucked on before, but this time we are gonna dress up like Animals while having group sex, instead of fucking each other while dressed up as Robots or whatever the forgettable Theme was last year.

THE MUSIC:

The hashtag Burning Man Instagram culture of the Deep-Doosh-Bag-Deep-Playa-Artcar-Deep-House-Music has finally fallen out of fashion! It was only a matter of time before this shallow deep house music bubble collapsed. The Deep Playa house music sunrise scene has always been fake as fuck, and now that most of that Fake bitcoin money that was funding A Fake scene for Fake likes is gone, we will be seeing less PhotoShoots, Selfies, Over-Priced-Bedazzled-General-Hats, Hashtags and Doosh-Bags.

This year Business Techno will continue it's Corporate Takeover Of the Music of Burning Man. Business Techno is back in Business and Business is Booming!

The Business Techno TikTok crowd that is the new Dooshy-Dance-Music-Craze at Burning Man now. You will see more lip-syncing TikTokers doing stupid dance challenges to retarded music at completely inappropriate times. But it's a whole hell of a lot better than seeing someone hire a professional photographer to get more Instagram likes!

We will also see a large number of Tinder-Profile-Tech-House-DJs with no personalities playing to empty dancefloors.

Tech-House Music is Basically the 2014 Toyota Camry of electronic music.

ARTCARS:

This is a great year for Artcars! Now that the Burning Man Mainstage went up in smoke, people might actually give two-tits about Artcars again. They are a fun way to meet new people...then get Stranded by those people when they decide to park at the trash fence for 4 hours for no fucking reason. You get off...Then watch as the Same Artcar drives by after you have walked most of the way back to camp sweating your taint off.

All I know Is: Never get on an Artcar at sunrise! You will regret this decision within the first 10 minutes of realizing how Fucking Far from your camp they’re driving. Followed by the unsettling realization that you still have only Night Clothes on and it's going to get hotter than the Devil's-Dick-N-Balls in about 20 minutes!!

And that HOT-COCK-OF-FIREY-DEATH is gonna start scorching thru your Faux Fur coat. Oh and of course you are going to need to Piss once the time is completely inappropriate and impossible.

An Artcar at sunrise is only going to One of Two Equally SHITTY-TERRIBLE-THINGS. Either being parked at Robot Heart in the Hot Fucking Sun or being parked at The Trash Fence in the Hot Fucking Sun. Both of these are the last Fucking place you want to be when the sun is coming up at Burning Man.

THE ART:

I think it speaks loud volumes that the most talked about and thought provoking Deep Level Art-Work that Spoke to the Hearts of almost ALL of us last year was........"WHORE ISLAND!!"

Those Words were Spray-Painted in LARGE GRAFFITI LETTERS on the backside of the Deep Playa PortaPotties Brought Joy and Wonder to Thousands of people.

It was the realest Art the Deep Playa has seen in Years. The B-Org can post up as many Gentrification-Honey-Bear-Wheat-Paste-Posters as they want but REAL streetart is something that comes from pure culture! However its impact becomes meaningless once given funding. That's why the Honey-Bears Fucking Suck.

People who make STREET-ART-FOR-PROFIT have no business placing their capitalist signature on the Playa.

It would have been fine if he had wanted to make other art for the event that didn't have his signature icon. But because B-Org is in Bed with selling his artwork, it's OK for him to put up His signature Honey Bears.

This year the B-Org is going to sell a Bansky Portrait and Auction it off to the highest bidder in a pathetic attempt to follow up on the Honey Bears Street Cred.

The proceeds will go to some sort of Artist Depreciation and Allocation of Funds or whatever the fuck it is that the Rich-Artworld-SF-Gallery-Types do out there at Fly Ranch. The B-Org showers High-End-Art-Garllery-Artist with funding in hopes of luring bigger investors into their FlyTrap Ranch artwork money-making scheme. It's basically NFT culture but with large scale art sold to the highest bidder, to be used as a sideshow on the Las Vegas Strip or to be used as novelty at Coachella

THEME CAMPS:

Now that the MainStage isn't touring through town this year, People might actually start to give a dick-shake about Theme Camps again! Last Year Sunrise on the 9 0’Clock side was an awesome place to be. Bubbles & Bass in the shade with champagne and Random Ribs next door was a much needed relief from the Instagram-Hashtag-Hell-Hole-Sunrise that the Deep Playa Artcar Scene provides.

Deep Playa is a miserable experience in the best of circumstances and becomes more gruesome and horrific as the sun starts coming up. Even for the Fucksticks on electric bikes crowd, it's hard to justify being that far away from everything with no shade, no bathrooms that don't have a 30-minute wait time, no booze and a bunch of Over-Heated-Stressed-Out-Hashtaggers trying to keep up with dying Deep-House trends while Law Enforcement circles like Hyenas picking off Big Dumb Ketamine-Intoxicated Wildebeests one-by-one, as they wander too far from the herd.

Come back home to the Esplanade, where all the good stuff is! The Esplanade offers a wider variety of music and spaces all conveniently located next to each other. And it's at least a mile closer to your camp.

Most of these camps offer such things as, Shade, Comfort, Booze, and Food. You fucking dipshits are missing out on the good stuff.

Hashtag FuckYourSunRise Hashtag EsplanadeRules Hashtag NORTH-SIDE-BRC-4-LIFE

THE MAN:

The Man will continue to become Smaller, Lamer, and Less Impressive in general, all in the name of Eco-Shaming. Like Bitchy-Low-Blood-Sugar-Gluten- Free-Vegans on a Paleo-Diet, the B-Org wants us to suffer so that we FEEL like we are doing something good for ourselves and the planet...when in reality it's just virtue signaling, and not doing anything besides hurting ourselves and making everyone around us hate us even more.

TICKETS:

Well if it's not completely obvious to you by now the reason there are so many extra tickets this year is because the MainStage burned down while on Tour in Mexico!

Don't act surprised!! Last year there was definitely 20,000 people who where there JUST FOR THE MAINSTAGE, and Burning Man was a crazy backdrop to the MonoLink concert series being live broadcasted worldwide on YOUTUBE with more collective hashtags, hits, subscriptions, comments and plays than all of the B-Org's youtube documentary videos combined.

If you watch back last year’s Monolink Concert Series you can clearly see Ten's of Thousands of Affluent-White-Yoga-Instructors and Dudes-in-Sunhats-with-Pointy-Beards as far out into the horizon.

WHAT? You didn't think that the MainStage was that popular?

YA, It's because the Deep-Playa-Deep-House-Shallow-Personality-Crowd never interacted with the rest of Burning Man.

You Never saw or Met them as the glided by on electric bikes out to Deep Playa. You missed them because they were sitting in air conditioned RV's doing ketamine all day long and only venture out to the MainStage for a few sunrise selfie sessions to prove to their less-rich friends that they went. Hashtag-Sunrise-At-Burning-Man.

You won't even notice they are gone.

FUCKSTICKS ON ELECTRIC BIKES:

Fucksticks on Electric bikes reported the largest number of injuries ever at Burning Man last year!

I think it's awesome that so many K-tarded-Fucksticks totally fucked themselves up while riding too fast with no lights. It's truly hilarious that you spent $2,000 on a E-bike but couldn't afford a headlamp. Dark-wads on E-bikes will receive the karmic justice that will inevitably occur at some point in the week.

I don't give a fuck about your safety. However, I do care about my own.

So put some lights on that bitch and slow the fuck down.

CATCHPHRAZES:

“Fuck yer Burn” is Out.

“Fuck yer Ticket” is In.

“Suck My Burn” is still a thing.

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Other One-Liners include.....

“Do you guys know where the Aztec Princess is?”

“Awww, Does somebody have a dried out Burn-gina?”

“Sounds like somebody has a dusty Burn-Sack.”

“Hey, you got some Coachella on your Burning Man.”

“Even Worse, You got some Burning Man on your Coachella!”

“Where is the MainStage?”

“Slow Down, Fuckstick!”

“Does anyone want to buy a TICKET?”

“I think I got an EDC from that Influencer.”

“Larry Harvey Please Report to the Front Gate!!”

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OK.... Here comes the RANT!!!!!!

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The LOUD Silent Majority:

Nevada State Law clearly states that we are allowed to party 24 hours a day at any volume we want! I don't make the rules. I just know how to party.

Look, last time I checked, this isn't fucking California and we don't need quiet time after 2am! If Bobby And Bill from the camp across the street want to get up at 7:00am and turn on "Sweet Home Alabama" at top volume and start pounding Cold Budweiser's while waving American flags!!, you are a goddamn asshole if you don't let them Radically Express themselves.

Look, it's not personally my first choice of what I would do at sunrise, but if Bobby and Bill wake me up I'm not gonna be the sort of Snitch-Bitch-Burnhole that goes and complains to the Rangers about noise. Fuck that! Burning Man is short.

Instead of getting yer Burn-gina inflamed about it, why don't you stop being a Burn-sack, Fuck'n go over there and start pounding 12 ounces of freedom in a can while you sing songs about the southland. Bobby and Bill are just two cool dudes who just want to party!

Your sleep is less important than their Radical Self Expression. And don't hide behind the PRINCIPAL of Civic Responsibility. FUCK YOU!!!!! You are the one being Civically Irresponsible by making noise complaints!! Bobby and Billy just want to rock out with their cocks out at 7am. Who the fuck are you to try to stop him? This City was Built on Noise and Freedom!!!

Radical Self Expression MUST take priority over Civic Responsibility otherwise this place would be like every other BORING city in the USA.

ABOUT THE NOISE:

So the B-Org dropped some new additions to the sound system and noise policy. All Artcars in city limits are not allowed play amplified music between the hours of 2am and 10am like this is a fucking Boyscout Camp.

Even worse, all Sound Systems inside of camps are to face the sound inward so that we must all hear the comb filter nightmare of un-timed quadraphonic sound. For 10 years, Placement has been bitching at camps ( and right so ) for making walls of RV's and exclusive camps. Now every camp will look like a backstage Dj Area as you roll by quietly in your Artcar.

FIGHT SNITCH-CAMPS BY SNITCHING:

The updated Noise Policy made something very clear: The B-org is just like every other bureaucracy in the world. It is complaint-driven!!!

It's Time for us, the vast large majority of people who attend Burning Man who actually like party to speak up and put an end to the Silence.

If you see a camp that does not have a big enough Sound System, make a formal complaint with B-org about the low volume.

Did the camp across next door complain about music volume while having absolutely fucking nothing going on all week except a single Tu-Tu-Tuesday-Ice-Cream giveaway from the hours of 10am-11am? Fuck ‘em in the Burn, Make a Complaint!

Did you see a badass Artcar roll by your camp without music on?

FUCKING MAKE A COMPLAINT TO THE DMV!

Make a God Damn complaint to every department the B-Org has.

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If you have an Artcar, turn the music up as far as those amplifiers will let you and play music at top volume preferably with in a residential area......after 2am.

If we all do it, the consequences are minimal.

Tell Placement you want to be camped next to other loud camps, and if you do happen to be a Snitch-Camp-Member ask that you be placed next to other Snitch-Camps out in the suburbs, not anywhere close the the 9 0’Clock side.

If you were wanting better placement next to where all the action and interactivity is, then don't be a Snitch-Camp. It's very simple. Snitch-Camps should be located as close as possible to Center Camp while letting the Loud Majority have the upper 9 0’Clock and 2 0’Clock sectors.

We are taking names and Casting out shame all in the Name of Noise Pollution and Radical Self Expression. The Anti-Music-Quite-Time-Agenda set forth by the B-Org and enforced by Snitch-Camps must cede ground to the Loud Majority! This is a CULTURE WAR with TERRITORIAL DISPUTES!!!!!!

We Will Not TURN DOWN!

The choice is yours:

Be a Snitch-Camp and have shitty placement next to the other Snitch-Camps, or don't be a Snitch-Camp.

But PLEASE Allow at least some place within City Limits to have 24 hour nightlife without chasing the Loud Majority out to Deep Playa in Isolation.

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Why Saturday Sucks Now and Why It's Your Camp’s Fault:

Look, we all want a shower and hamburger once we get back to Reno but there is no need to start breaking down camp just because Becky and Bruce have low blood sugar and a high stress job back home. If you can afford to go to Burning Man, You can afford another day at Burning Man. We have all spent a shit ton of time, money and effort to get here...and after all of that, you Burn-wads want to take down camp on Saturday?

What was once The biggest and best party day of the week, has turned into a day of stressed out Meltdowns and Packing Anxiety. What the fuck is wrong with taking down camp on Sunday or Monday like Both God and Larry Harvey intended it to be ???

Let me guess your camp decided to take down early to skip the Exodus! How did that work out for all you bunch of Burn-Tards last year? You cancelled Burning Man a day early and then bitched about being stuck in line for 12 hours. I hope you Manic-Monday-MOOP-Skippers learned your lesson.

We Should STOP Doing This:

That's right, it might be time for B-org to just end it.

The 2030 initiative is the worst thing to happen to Burning man since Larry Harvey died.

The B-Org is jumping all-in on this propagandist media PR blunder, and took what was just a dumb local situation into full-on-village-idiots-banging-their-heads-against-a-light-pole-stupidness.

The B-Org is SUING a geothermal power plant project that is trying to build a large facility in Gerlach. That's RIGHT! YOUR TICKET MONEY IS BEING SPENT ON MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR LAWYERS EXPENSES OVER A LOCAL POLITICAL DISPUTE!!!!

Look I agree "Fuck that Power Plant, Bro!" I'm all for The Local Conservation over the Global Conservation in this case. But from the point of view from the outside world it looks pretty hypocritical. And the Carbon Neutral 2030 initiative put forth by the B-Org makes it even worse!

The B-Org went NIMBY on an Alternative Energy Company and are now are back peddling with A Dumb PR STUNT. Claiming we are reducing the Festival's carbon footprint by a fraction of a percent by making the Man fire slightly smaller and RE-Selling the Large Scale Art to LAS VEGAS Side Shows!!!!

Burning Man just released an hour-long documentary that feels like watching a commercial funded by Big Oil companies that plays upbeat acoustic guitar music, while someone talks about how Big Oil companies Care about saving the earth and making it a better place.

We Care......... Brought to you by Big B-Org-Petroleum-Products.

It's a grueling 105 minutes of Green-Shaming Burners who want you to invest in their new green business while constantly undermining their efforts by explaining that most of carbon emissions Burning Man actually make is caused by transportation. My conclusion after watching this was that we should just stop.

I don't want all of Burning Man to turn into the AEZ (alternative energy zone) Ya know? The AEZ, that whole district of Burning Man that has been there for the past 15 years that you simply walk by because there is fucking nothing going on there. Seriously, AEZ offers Zero Interactivity, No bars, No stages, Nothing but Solar-Powered silence. GREAT!!

We didn't need a Uplifting-Environmental-Feel-Good-Ad-Campaign from the B-Org to support using solar energy or to support artists using recycled materials. Burning Man has been doing that over 20 years! The declaration of becoming carbon neutral is false. If we really want to make Burning Man carbon neutral.............. Then let's just STOP doing this.

KIDS:

The very few parents who are able to raise children cool enough to go to Burning Man while holding down a full-time job and a low-key ketamine addiction as well as a complex polyamorous relationship all at the same time deserve respect. We are all impressed, good for you.

You are still an asshole for bringing your kids. Just apologize to your In-Laws about the green bean casserole comment you made at Thanksgiving 4 years ago and have them take the grandkids for the week while you do drugs and have sex with strangers at Burning Man.

Do you really want to have to deal with your kids when just 30 minutes ago you and your partner gave a blow job to a guy named “Kai” in the back of Sprinter Van? “Good morning kids, Don’t mind the Van-Lifer-Wook-Dick on our breath! Now let's go walk in the blazing hot sun to a canceled workshop on the other side of the playa while Mommy and Daddy fight about who’s gonna get to go snowboarding with Kia in Colorado Springs this winter and who is gonna stay home with the kids.”

There is no Larry Mouse to take photos with.

Larry Harvery DID NOT BRING HIS KIDS TO BURNING MAN! You can read on the B-Org Website about his children attending the first Burning Man on Barkers Beach. What they don't tell you is: HE NEVER BROUGHT HIS KIDS TO THE PLAYA! He knew that it was a seriously dangerous situation. The early days of Burning Man were mostly a bunch of Gnarly-Gun-Shooting-High-Speed-Driving-Lunatics who where super high on Drugs! This was always a place for Adults to Engage in Adult Behavior.

Previous to 2003, The B-Org had a unspoken "No Kids policy" And people were allowed to Have Sex In Public, No IDs Required at Bars, No Prohibitions on Sexually Explicit Art. No issues with the gate being shut down for 15 hours while the cops raid camps ONE-BY-ONE looking for a missing child. And if they happened to catch anyone using drugs while conducting random tent-to-tent searches of across the entire playa they are under obligation to arrest those drug smoking scumbags. Seriously, last time a child went missing at Burning Man the Cops arrested 65 people who they had discovered had DRUGS in their Tents while conducting a "Search and Rescue Operation"

When The B-Org changed it's Official policy to Family Friendly, it negatively impacted our Culture and Allowed Law Enforcement to use children attending as an excuse to take away our Freedoms. Both artistically and Physically.

Why the fuck do I have to show ID when .001% of the population is under 21? Legally the responsibility should be on the B-Org.Not the Participants. Burning Man is a private event!!!!!!

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Official Regional Burns Kinda Suck:

Let's be honest, it's time that we admit it...None of them feel like Burning Man.

Almost every Official Regional is both poorly attended and super expensive for what they actually Offer. It’s just a shitty block party on an asphalt parking lot that locals all hate.

In fact, most of them have an insanely long list of rules and restrictions, like 10pm Stop-Times, and Regionals often actually deplete local artists rather than support them.

Locals are expected to bring artwork, camps, stages, artcars, etc. For No Cost or on micro-budgets. The tickets to the events are usually super fucking Expensive and if there is somehow profit on the Regional event It gets siphoned off to the Black Rock Arts Foundation, and not to Local Artists who are actually building the regional. The amount of time, effort, and resources that the B-org Spends on the Regionals is a waste. These projects all miss the mark and they don't really support the local community as much as the B-Org thinks.

The Truth of the matter is, Year Round there are thousands of vibrant, Fun, and Innovative Burner Community Events World-Wide That are in NO WAY Affiliated the B-Org. All of them seem to do just fine without the BiG B-Org stepping in the way and sucking all of the financial support.

THE TRUTH:

The Fact of the Matter is this place has always been an uncontrolled Shit-Show full of Freaks, Weirdos, Party Animals, Doosh-Bags, Dooshbaggettes, Bad Artist, Amateur Musicians, Terrible DJs, Annoying Sound Systems, Dusty Burn-gina's, Itchy Burn-Sacks, Wing-Nut-Wrenchers, Tire-Fixers, Shirt-Cockers and Dong-Knockers.

Burning Man Thrives when given the least amount of RULES and REGULATIONS. The B-Org keeps taking one-step-forward two-steps-back on everything related to the TRUE CULTURE of Burning Man. They Dragged their feet weeding out Plug-and-Play Camps for Years because of the bribes and kick-backs the B-Org would receive in the form of Donations to the Black Rock Arts Foundation, or by forcing Plug-and-Plays to use exclusively B-Org Vendors, lining pocket books along the way.

We, the Actually Burners, are in Control...More so now than Ever! We just need to COMPLAIN to them as much as possible to make change!

And when they Drag Their feet or start wasting time and ticket money on anything unrelated the ACTUAL BURNING MAN FESTIVAL we NEED TO CALL THEM OUT!

And When they Do stupid shit like the new sound system ordinances WE MUST FIGHT AGAINST IT! The B-Org will destroy our Culture Unless we speak out and TAKE ACTION! This OUR EVENT! We, The Participants, are literally the ones who build and make EVERYTHING! Not the B-Org. We should be the ones who get to direct OUR Culture. NOT THEM.

This year more than Ever we Need to Show the B-Org that We Will STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHT TO PARTY!

Don't let the B-Org turn Burning Man into a Bribery-Driven Silent-Disco Dicktatorship with Small Scale Art, Alternative Energy Disasters, and Snitch-Camp-Hush-Shamers.

This Year We TAKE IT ALL BACK.

I'm Zapper Jones. I'll Be Camped at CAMP FUCK-YER-CAMP CAMP. Our motto is ... FUCK YER CAMP!

I'll See all you True PARTY ANIMALS drinkin’ at the Dive-Bars, ragin’ on LOUD Artcars and goin’ hard on the Esplanade!

BURN ON, YA CRAZY FUCKS!!!!