I’m a very private person, and this is really doxxing my life by getting into these stories that I am about to share. But I am sincerely at a point that I don’t know where else to go, what else to do, or who I can talk to. I am at the bottom mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. And I don’t know how to get up again. (And I say physically, because the stress of everything has had me lose nearly 40 lbs of weight).
In all ways, I am in between a rock and a hard place. I see no way out and no path to any type of future.
So… here goes my story. Mods, I ask that you please consider allowing this to say. But I understand if it must be removed.
One evening, my wife and I were lying in bed. She told me I was her soul mate and she could never ask for anyone else on this planet. It was literally about one week later, which was exactly 15 months ago, that she randomly came to me and said “I’m not in love with you anymore, I want a divorce.” My mind was in such a complete shock that I don’t even know how to describe the process it was going through to attempt to comprehend what in the world possibly happened to change things. For months and months I rode my bicycle just to get away and cry to myself not just from the pain of it but from the 'not knowing' part.
So, the simple solution here would be for her to move out. She refused to move out, even up unto this day, she will not move out. I got in contact with an attorney, and he advised me that she should be the one leaving. Unfortunately our finances do not allow for either of us to go anywhere or do anything. (and I say she refuses because I mean that, in a sense, she has friends she could live with. They are not in the same city, but she does have good friends that she's known for decades).
I battled this so hard and was unable to ever get an answer from her as to what happened to our 10+ years of marriage and what made her choose this path. “I’m not happy anymore”, “it is what it is”, “what do you want me to do about it,” “I can’t change how I feel”, are the responses I got. I felt, and still feel, crushed.
Over the course of nearly a year I worked on trying to fix anything and everything - trying to identify any problems, trying my best to rekindle things, and, for a very brief moment, she said we’d “see what happens.”
About four months ago she randomly came to me again and this time said we needed to be in separate rooms.
I sincerely feel like I am being emotionally and psychologically tortured. I have to see her every day and still have conversations about her schooling, what she’s doing in life, etc., but somehow separate in my mind that we are just ‘friends’ at this point. I have seen no one else - nor has she (to the best of my knowledge). About once every few weeks, she’ll attempt to have a blow out argument with me over things that make no sense - like if a fork was left on a counter, or if I did something that, in her mind, wasn’t right. I say attempt because I refuse to give my energy to any of it. I just can't. I have to keep things peaceful for my child.
I feel like I am literally in purgatory and that I cannot ever escape, as if I'm in a black hole that has sucked me up and will not allow me to leave.
My interest is ensuring that my daughter is not wound up in all of this. At the end of the day, she sees and hears things and wonders if Mom and Dad are going to make things work; it’s not fair to her to have to go through this. I spend a lot of extra time trying reading her scriptures about love, happiness - overall trying to give her a solid, positive environment. All the while, ya'll, I am slowly turning to dust.
I sent my wife a text that, if it was typed on word, must have been at least 3-4 pages long. She gave me no response - the underlying message was that I needed to know what we were doing so that we could begin moving on with our lives and determining what the future would look like, custody, etc. I approached her and asked her the next day and she said “How do you want me to reply?” To which I asked her if this was what she was wanting. All I got was a “…yeah.” So, after 15 months, I finally decided it was time to go ahead and file the paperwork. Yet I sit here wondering what that’s even going to do - I can’t afford to file it and, even after I file it, we’re still here - stuck in some weird limbo/purgatory.
To compound all of this, I work one full time job and one part time job and still just barely make the ends meet. And I am just continuing to push and push for my daughter. I am constantly putting off one bill to pay another - fronting my current paycheck to pay a bill that was due two weeks ago, etc. We have one car and it was purchased when the used car market was sky high - so now we’re ridiculously upside down on it and there’s no way out of that. Even if one of us could move, the other one of us does not have transportation.
We have sold nearly everything we own (as we moved into a furnished house), outside of a couch, a dining table, our computers, a few Bitcoin magazines I have, and some random miscellaneous things.
I cannot afford to leave. I do not see any situation that would ever grant me the ability to afford to leave because I am working so hard just to pay the bills we currently have. I have no resources at my disposal. None. I found a little 600 square foot place that I figured my daughter and I could move to but I can’t cover a) the move-in costs, b) ensure that my spouse has somewhere to go, and c) I don’t meet the requirements due to income levels, anyways.
I thought about just renting a room somewhere - and literally the only rooms I can find for rent are 2 hours away from my daughter’s school. She suffers from autism and I absolutely cannot pull her out of the school she’s in. I need to stay living in the same area to ensure she has the education that will allow her to succeed in this life.
To add to all of this, throughout the last four years, we've had six deaths in our family and I think the its really taken its toll on both of us.
And now, my only friend, who told me I didn’t even need friends because she’d never hurt me and always be the one to be there for me, doesn’t want to be around me anymore.
I literally do not know how much more gas is left in my tank, y’all.
Ultimately, I’ve determined we need to pay off the current vehicle, or at least get us out of it, have a second mode of transportation, file the divorce, and ensure that we each have a place to live while we raise our daughter - even if it’s just a small 300-500 square foot space. I don’t care.
We used to own an art company and got rid of it it and I recently tried to start that back up again over on Etsy in order to use the funds for helping with all this (if you feel like checking out the prints, not trying to spam, but you can see them all here - maybe someone finds something they like and ultimately can help me by grabbing a print.)
I really need coping techniques and skills to get me through all of this. This sub is chalk full of resources but my situation is so specific and so odd and out of place. If you have anything, even just a kind word, that would be sincerely appreciated as well. I went to one of our local churches who informed me they had events on Wednesday evenings and I can’t make time to go because I’m at work during those times. On the weekends I try to give my daughter as much of my time and energy as I can.
If you all know of anything. Anything at all. Please let me know.
*I must note that I am [b]not[/b] considering taking my life nor would I ever. I have a daughter to support and she is the reason I continue to go everyday. I will say, however, I am so very weary and I am almost completely out of strength.
Thank you all for reading. I have no one aside from my daughter, and I obviously cannot discuss this stuff with a child. So even a comforting story or message is appreciated. Or if perhaps you've been in a similar situation or story, I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you for reading.
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