This is a doozy. Hoping if anything just typing this out will act as a letting go for me. Please let me know your thoughts.
Backstory: My ex and I met as we were working together and was love at first sight for both of us. She was going into her senior year of college and I was a few months into my first year of work. She would drive nearly every weekend to see me (~50minutes) and we'd have a blast together.
After about 6 months I moved overseas for 5 months while she was finishing up undergrad. Once away I very quickly realized how much she meant to me and committed right there and then that this is my person. We video chatted, texted and communicated as much as we could. I flew back for her graduation with her family and we took an AMAZING 2 week vacation together through Europe.
She ended up moving right down the street from me and after a month or so I was finally back stateside. We hung out and enjoyed each other every chance we got but I was also starting to pick up some bad habits (smoking weed) more on weeknights than going and spending the night with her.
I had a one month pilot with my dream job position. I knocked it out of the park and received an offer, however, it involved considerable travel and I turned it down 1) due to it not being exactly as it seemed by 2) because I wanted to be with her.
That winter she gave up going to her family's Thanksgiving to be with mine. As a trade off I gave up Christmas with my family to go on a 2 week tropical vacation with her family. I made sure to get her a $450 necklace for Christmas and this is where things really started to come to a head.
1) I was stressed with work and had gained roughly 20 pounds in a very short amount of time and frankly couldn't stop talking about work as it was eating (literally) away at me. I'd also invested a large amount of money into Crypto (2017 boom) and had a lot of luck but was shut out of my account on Coinbase and became a part of the class action suit against them for bitcoin cash price manipulation. Long story short, I lost ~$35k over those 2 weeks without being able to access my account and I was too ashamed to tell her. (Still trying to recoup those loses and she still does not know that happened)
Then, I probably had the toughest conversation of my life with her mom saying that she was acting different and that her sisters were not having enough sister time and I wasn't paying enough on the trip (again, I was invited and gave up the holiday with my family and paid the airfare). Had it not been a winter storm going on I would have cut the trip short. Her mom was very set in her ways and her entire family would cave to her so my ex naturally didn't do much in the ways to help me. I've never, ever had issues with parents not liking me before and to this day I'm still taken aback by the confrontation. I offered to pay for lunches and dinners and probably dropped close to $1,500 overall that trip on group activities and meals.
HOWEVER
We get back and things continued on. Between her and I, everything was seemingly great with a new role at work I was excited about and us spending more time together.
That took a nose dive around May of that year where I came to the realization I needed to quit my job. However, having gone through the leadership program I was in I was too committed to just do it and wanted to "man-up" and get through it (lose-lose not matter what). It was during this time I was taking 2 MBA classes and stressed as all hell so I was looking to food, weed and vaping (she never knew about this) to cope. I gained weight back and was all around miserable to be around.
End of June she told me I was not invited back on the family trip this next year as well as being overall more distant. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times we had been intimate leading to the next point.
I had a friend's wedding in early July which she could not attend due to another family event. Here is where I reached peak low in my entire life by cheating with a guest of a guest (still don't know the girl's name) mainly because she gave me attention that I'd been looking for for a long time. I was probably the drunkest I'd ever been that night.
Driving home I pulled over and cried for nearly an hour straight asking myself how I could do this to the person I loved so much and was saving for a ring for and how I would tell her. I committed right then and there that I would quit my job and get healthy.
As selfish as it was, I couldn't bring myself to tell her for nearly two more months. I was still in an incredibly low state and was grasping to anything I could. I was looking at condos for her and I to move into as well as talking about options outside the state before I eventually had two great options for work 1)out of state far away and 2) in the same town but much better company and pay than previously.
It was then that I finally told her about the wedding night and the vaping. I did it in such a terrible way because I was finally, finally feeling positive about my life after receiving offers for work and didn't at all fully think about the blow I was about to give.
After that I tried to rekindle things and did 30-day no contact. We had a few 'dates' after that where we were talking and thoroughly enjoying each other again.
1) One date early on she mentioned going to another guy's house, smoking and hooking up with him. I get it and whatever this doesn't sway me.
2) Again, after a few drinks she admitted that she didn't even want to be around me when I was really struggling that summer - she didn't know what to do. I believe this but I also just simply needed her period. Walks, dinners, laying with me - being intimate.
I ended up taking the job locally mainly because I still felt there was a chance at us getting back together. During this same time my apartment was robbed and she was genuinely concerned for me offering to stay at her place (tried to be macho and denied it) and ended up moving ten minutes away (no longer right down the road from her). After that we went another month without talking and then saw each other at a work event and agreed to go on a nice date.
Date went super well and the restaurant was about a 5 minute walk from my new place. I had been doing nothing but Crossfit and intense cycling the 3 months we broke up so she mentioned how great I looked and we had probably some of the most mind blowing sex we'd ever had and she spent the night. The next morning she took off and and we texted a bit before she left on her family vacation (that I wasn't invited to back in June) and then that stopped.
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I was feeling mopey a few months later after having traveled to China and all over with my new job and sent her a long email and she said to just text her to meet up. I never did as I met someone several weeks later. It was a distance thing and she was incredibly caring and understanding. I didn't know it at the time but I was absolutely using her as a rebound thinking this is everything I wanted when in reality I wasn't close to being over my ex. I ended this last summer after several months.
It took until December 2019 to finally delete her from social media and personal photos from trips.
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Fast forward to now and it's been roughly a year since that email and 16 months since we were official. I've been through roughly 30 hours of 1:1 therapy analyzing some past trauma that has made me realize how I acted the way I did as well as trying to get over the relationship. This on top of literally weeks of self improvement podcasts and thousands of articles.
I did my first half-Ironman competition and am now training for a full this year. I went from 32% body fat to 19% and put on nearly 14 pounds of muscle doing crossfit. I'm in probably the best shape of my life. Whenever I feel like I can't wake up for an early workout I just think of her and it gets me right up. Likewise if I have a dream about her at 3am, I read a self-help book until 5:30 and then go work out.
On her side I know through friends that she's been with someone she went to college with since at least June of last year. I don't know if they're still together but they took a trip together in October and she looked happy.
My job has been great. I still have bad days mainly because I'm so tough on myself (working through this still but have come light years since where I was) but I have much better coping mechanisms and have learned how to separate work from life.
However, I'll be the first to admit I don't have much of a life outside of work, working out and continuing to progress my knowledge in my industry. I have a good group of core friends where I am but I'm one of the few single people and work simply isn't challenging and growing me anymore.
I don't have anything keeping me to the city anymore and can explore other options but a part of me still can't seem to dismiss the idea of getting back with my ex and want to reach out. I keep putting off seriously considering other options and moving mainly because I know I'll be leaving her behind possibly forever.
Reddit, am I crazy? What do you think?
Tl;dr - Ex and I dated for 2.5 years and had amazing travels and time together. Had issues with her family and I went through a lot of personal/work turmoil. Cheated on her but ultimately worked on myself relentlessly over the last year and a half to where I know I am a much better person. Still can't get over her and want to reach out.
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