It’s been a while. If you want to see my previous post for some reason, check my post history. It’s not important. I don’t care. You probably don’t care. It’s all fine.
I’ve given the whole friend thing some thought in the past month or so. Like, my concept of having friends and stuff. Since I was I young child, my social skills weren’t up to par. They were a hell of a lot better than they are now, but that’s not saying much. The last time I remember making long lasting friends (with one exception) was preschool. I don’t know how, but despite crying the first day when my mom left, I managed to make friends. Some of those friends I kept up with (I went to school with the same few kids most of my life), some I separated from. Around 3rd or 4th grade, I decided that not having friends, well, kind of sucked. I started making friends with a dude in my class that I somewhat knew, but hadn’t friended that much. He didn’t have a lot of friends either, mainly because in my years of knowing him, he wasn’t the best with knowing what is and isn’t accepted in social settings. But he was pretty cool. And we had a few of the same interests. While we were friends, I took it on myself to try and help him be more sociable, but, well, none of it worked. I ended up introducing him to Reddit and similar things on the internet which eventually started to influence his life as he became obsessed with things like Anime, Bitcoin, and Libertarianism. Eventually, it got to much and I phased him out of my life.
It’s odd, how you can manage to completely cut ties with someone you knew for so long. I only realized a few months ago that I was always the asshole in our friendship. We were close friends and I treated him like shit because I thought I was better than him. And as much as I want to reach out to him, say I’m sorry or something, I can’t.
Another thing I realized recently: I’ve always hoped friendships would form out of no where. I remember pushing off making new friends too later, hoping a change in situation would magically change my faults. “I’ll wait till middle school, then everything will change.” When I went to middle school, I did actually make friends. But they were a year older and in my third year they were gone. “I’ll wait until High School. It’s a place to start anew!” Well, High School is here and, well, nothing’s changed. I’m still the same dude I was before.
I realized that I’ve always hoped for some completely world changing event to happen to me. Suddenly someone would talk to me, and I would make friends. Or for some reason, I would be placed on close contact with some other people and an unlikely friendship would form. But that’s not how the real world works. Life isn’t a movie and I need to learn to stop fucking living like it is.
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