What a bloody day.
The temperature drops below zero, The ship is rumbling around like it's gonna be flipped over soon enough, And the only thing I could barely see is the icebergs floating over the sea. Look at that, the frost is all over the Matt's head. He has been on the deck all day long. Now I wonder why that bastard is still on the deck....
"Can't you see the bloody waves are shaking our ship? Get over here NOW!"
"It's not usual to watch my beeeeautiful face combined with the frost! You should watch now or it will be washed out soon!"
...It's a really bloody day. For real.
*
Have you ever wanted to turn back the time?
I want to. I want to turn back the time now. I really fucking want to go back to the last January: Because I spent all my money buying the bitcoin back then. If I earned my profit, I would've bought an enormous T-34, then parked it in my backyard, and shoved that gun up that bloody Tord's ass.
"How about joining the revolution as you've been lost all your money?"
...Or for now, It will be enough to beat him in the face. But It's not the time to punch Tord right now.
"Everyone be quiet! The ad is on!"
I'd like to beat this idiot up first.
This idiot who wears broccoli-colored hoody all day long. Can't he really see the Foundation's name is bloody suspicious? What on Earth is that foundation doing? What now? "Find the Viking's treasure in the North Pole and get reward"? Why is there a viking tribe in the North Pole! But Edd, unlike me, sold his bitcoin on the peak, so he is rich now. And that means....
"Edd, Will there really be the treasure?"
"Hold on, Matt."
Here we go again - The bloody adventure time.
Edd starts spinning his lucky cola can as Matt nags at him. I don't have either money nor power, just hoping to the lucky cola can says 'No'. But... Yep. That will be the day when the water is dry.
"The lucky cola can had me the revelation! There must be a treasure! Let's go to the North Pole!"
And so it's done.
One goes for the legendary treasure.
The another one goes 'just for fun'.
And another one, who spent all his money with me.
And finally me, last one who have to do anything for my mortgaged tank.
As the result, The two riches and the two beggars have started their journey to find the treasure.
Well, I should buy another tank if we really find it....
*
So we got a cargo ship and currently are going to the North pole. Don't ask us how we got the ship: some things are better be unknown. A good harpoonist should be a good sailor, so I held the key. But the skipper isn't me. And that 'skipper' is reading the map we have stolen from the museum.
"Hmm..."
"Do you know how to read the atlas?"
And that bloody commie with a doujinshi in his hand.
"Nah, that's why I put you in the team."
"What you mean?"
"Doesn't every Norwegians like skiing on the fields of the North Pole?"
"Nope."
"Hmm..."
One is still reading the map, and another one is reading his doujin from the Comic con or somewhere.
Useless bishes.
"We should build a base camp after landing so do something!"
"But we don't know where to go after landing on the Northeast National Park."
"Where is that fucking treasure?"
"We're doing research about it but can't find."
"Stole the valuable national heritage and got nothing?"
"You should say nothing 'by far'. Also, It was YOU who harpooned that valuable national heritage."
Well, I can't say anything then.
"You.... Anyway do something until we land on. It's an hour left from landing."
And Matt on the sofa jaws about.
"Mirror mirror on my palm, where is the treasure we should get?"
"Do you really think that spell works in real life?"
"I'm talking to my face. Ah, my beautiful face..."
"Stop idling and help!"
Tord threw Matt's mirror away. Edd reached for another cola can while the other two fight over the mirror. I didn't even want to see what's happening anymore. Let's just think about the tank. Make it double. Those big and straight guns, those reliable caterpillars, overwhelming armors... I will NEVER be in those stupid adventure like this anymore, once I have these lovely tanks...
"Augh!"
"What are you doing! We have to put that back after this!"
"a-a-at least the map is tasty now! Calm down, guys!"
Don't you say that you spilled the cola over the map, Edd. Just don't... Just then, I saw the wave coming before the head, so I took the key to port side. Matt flew away and butted the wall, Then the cola flavoured old viking map gently sat down on my head.
Those bastards...
*
Eventually, Cola-spilling incident turned out to be a lucky event. As the map receiving the dim sunlight, The hidden location in the map was found. But that would be discovered when being soaked with just some water, to be honest. So we have destroyed the map during the event, We decided to bury the truth deep down the Arctic sea.
"Thank god we don't go to the 'real' North Pole!"
"I think the Greenland is just cold and harsh as the North Pole..."
Let's just say that we buried it in the Greenland. After landing on the small port, we bought a house in the town we call the base camp. Matt, who keeps nagging about that no one calls a tent the base camp, paid the rent. The preparing is done. Matt and I got on the snowmobile, And the others on the sled. Now all we need to do is riding through the snow field where the only thing we can see is few animal hordes.
And we have to move everyday, all day long.
"No spare days?"
"Yep."
"I'd like to see the Greenland's hentai... Will there be the comic con in Greenland?"
"Not in a million years!"
Dogs are panting and running, Boys are being carried by them, also panting. The journey was fine... for a day.
We met the Polar bear on the Second day.
"Tom! Harpoon! Shoot em!"
"Take that! Take this Capitalistic attack, You capitalist pig!"
"Stop! Maybe he could give us a cola if we be kind!"
And so we obtained the shot-n-burnt polar bear skin.
And then the whale of penguins being lured by the lucky can chased after us. Tord shot them all down with his MG42. We gathered five penguins with the longest crest and tied them upon the bear skin.
In the evening, The Kraken appeared from inside the iceberg, so we needed to use three rockets. My babies... And they barfed after eating my octopus stew. It must have gone bad in there already. They sure rot even in the cold place. Eventually Matt had to drag us to the sled. I and Tord fought over the spoils of war, and Edd cut the head in half and gave each side to both of us.
And the next day was also alike, except there was a flying creature instead... and that we knew there's a big flaw in our plan.
*
"Hey."
"What?"
Edd turns back and looks at me beyond the frozen goggle. I ask him the problem in doubt. O come on, At least he's the captain. He must have thought about this.
"About that treasure map: it've been made a thousand years ago."
"I think so. You mean that one we have stolen in Oslo, right?"
"Wouldn't be that secret location changed as the time passes?"
"I considered that when I was calculating aboard."
"Nah, I meant the Y axis."
"What do you mean?"
Edd's eye opens wide as I'm saying. It seems that he really didn't think about it. Sigh.
"Hey, commie."
"What's the matter?"
"Do you know where I got my tank?"
"On the backyard."
"How?"
"What do you mean, You dug the backyard for that."
As I shrugged as staring at tord without any other word, Tord and Edd looked at each other speechless... And then screamed until Matt fell out of the snowmobile and rolled away. Thankly he wasn't seriously injured.
"Thousand-year-old Treasure, you say? My tank was made 60 years ago and that was buried 30 metres underground. With some calculation, we can assume this fucking treasure, is buried in roughly 300 metres underground."
"We could go for 300 metres more..."
"No you idiot! 300 metres UNDERGROUND! UN-DER-GROUND!"
Of course, we're in Greenland.
Greenland is cold.
Water freezes in the cold places.
And Greenland is fucking cold.
So, there was a big fucking pile of iceberg under our foot, And we have to dig down 300 metres below that iceberg for the treasure or something.
It was impossible with our equipments.
*
"If we had a little more gunpowder..."
The commie made a good point for the first time, But it was impossible as we didn't have one with shaped charge. We discussed all day long but couldn't get any results. Finally, we decided to set a camp on the location as it was getting darker.
"Tell me that today's menu isn't that bloody octopus stew."
"Have no fear. It's bear meat with Pemmican."
I started to recall the memories aside the fire. When I spent all my money on bitcoin, The shock I had when Edd emerged with the ship, Stealing the heritage in Oslo, The fight against the Kraken... It's now all became useless.
There's nothing we can do except staggering back to home with our cold, empty hands.
"Can't we buy the mining tools in the shop nearby?"
"Do you really think there's a shop on this frozen land?"
"Maybe if we get down the hole where the Kraken came out..."
"Then how can we get out?"
Well, everybody is speechless now. We tried to sleep with our exhausted body but it didn't work. I saw the delusion of my tank. Suddenly, Matt hopefully started talking nonsense.
"This fire could unfreeze all the ice if we keep the fire among the sleep."
Why not, It will be melted out eventually if we can keep the fire for all eternity.
"Say that again."
"Huh?"
All of a sudden, Tord responded to the nonsense.
"What did you just say?"
"If we keep the fire on...?"
"After that!"
"It will unfreeze the iceberg."
"That's right...!"
"What now, you idiots?"
"That's right! The fire dissolves the ice! I found the way! Hahaha!"
Tord jumped out from his sleeping bag like he's going to start out soon enough, and then he fell asleep by the punch of the exhausted captain. I thought he was finally gone mad watching that sight.
*
Sadly, Tord haven't gone mad. Or is it a good thing? Let's just get over it just once. Next morning, Tord started to mumble something in Russian in his transponder. The respond was delivered immediately.
"Спасибо, comrade. I'd buy some vodka later."
"For the old comrade. It was doomed to be covered in the snow forever anyway, It will also be pleased."
Tord closed the call. Edd nagged to him.
"What did he say?"
"There is a key!"
"So what is the key anyway?"
"The Molotov's last heritage."
What?
"The flame of the revolution will help us to destroy the thick iceberg!"
Special Napalm ICBM, as known as 'Molotov's enormous cocktail'. During the cold war, The Soviet union had built three napalm ICBMs to burn down the Yellowstone National park for their supply line. They hid it to the wilderness, And one of the places was Greenland. After the union was collapsed, Tord's army had received the location of it, but they buried it in the snow since it was so powerful to use for the battle... Until now.
"Now putting a little repair and I can change this baby into the bunkerbuster!"
The iceberg will be no more. We actually needed to consider the safety of the treasure. But we were on the cliff, also I could do anything for my mortgaged tank.
We headed to the abandoned ICBM launching site of the Soviet Union.
"Did you pack all the luggage?"
We packed everything on the snowmobile and the dog sled, including the spoils.
"Aight, Lift-off now!"
"I didn't know I could press the button of this monster in my life..."
Tord's eyes staring at the button was filled with glee. To be honest, I felt jealous. Why the First world haven't built anything like this, dammit.
"Here we go!"
Tord jumped off the chair, flipped three times midair, and landed on the button with his arse. Then the engine howled loudly. The loud noise made the dust-covered silo vibrate, And the bunkerbuster, former ICBM, was launched to the sky on the degree of 90.
"It's coming, it's coming..."
The missile on its peak height started to dive into the frozen field. And then it hit the exact location of the treasure, with just a little error!
"IT'S COMING!"
"Wanna get censored?"
As I whack the Tord's head on the back, The great sphere of fire rose from far away. It was such a sight.
*
We could get to the place a day later. After several piles of burnt penguins and polar bears, we reached the center of the crater, crawled down the cliff made from the iceberg, and dug straight down. A while later, My shovel hit something.
"I found it!"
It was an expensive looking safe, decorated with the pure gold, jewelry and much more. It looked expensive even with a glance. So there was a treasure though. I quickly passed the safe to Edd. Edd opened the safe with all of his knowledge.
"Open it!"
"What could it be?"
The safe was slightly ajar. We could see the treasure glittering under the golden lid.
"Edd! What's inside the safe?"
Edd pulled out the golden grail from the Viking's secret safe. The sunshine was crushing itself toward the grail. The liquid... Liquid is hard to turn into the money, lame. At least we could sell anything expensive in the safe.
"So what is it?"
But my dream was destroyed by Edd's gibberish.
"It's the First cola!"
"What?"
"It's the First cola of the Viking! Here's a formula, too!"
I dropped myself onto the land.
After all these years and I've only got...
A bloody cup of cola?
(Fin)
----
Written by August P. White,
Translated by u/yokato723
