Hi everyone. As the title reads, these are events in my life displayed as icebergs that I'm dealing with at the moment; I wasn't sure what else could make a relevant title.
I want to preface this by saying that coming out like this is something that goes against my nature, that is my disbelief and skepticism of people in general at best; and misanthropy at worse. So I apologize if anything I write may come off in an 'indecent' way, as while I write this I'm dealing with a constant sense of irony. For better or worse, I'm just "venting", aware that I'm doing so because a deep part of me has been deprived of this, but know that I'm probably making a petty, self-fulfilling attempt that wouldn't sate my problems..another of my many "washed-up" whims. (feeling cute rn might delete later)
Anyways, I’m a 20-year-old male from South East Asia. 6 months ago my father died a tormented soul after a grueling, downhill battle with heart failure for many years, among many other things. He will forever be one of my heroes for his unwavering strength, loyalty, and determination. However as a result we had been left without much but thanks to my mother, had major support from family and friends we are still very grateful for.
My parents have been divorced (but remained living together for many cultural and deeply rooted emotional reasons) so my mom takes us to live with her boyfriend she knew only recently who painted a pretty picture at first. As the story typically unfolds, they turn out to be a passive-aggressive, self-righteous narcissist with OCPD who uses his deeds as 'ammunition' against us, who enjoys skulking around invading our privacy and being a constant 'Karen', berating me and my 14 year old brother when we do not satisfy his attention-seeking behaviors and ‘tests of faith’. Despite everything, I can be grateful, at the very least that he's very attached to my mother; something I'm very aware of which might fall apart when times get rougher, but who she isn't willing to lose out on due to us being broke and needing a home, and doesn't want us to ‘compromise anymore further’.
As for myself, I've been dealing with mental health issues for the majority of my life, and have tried hard to push through every day and make it to the next. And I think I've made it far. But for what it's worth, and for everything it has led up to; I could simply describe myself right now in a heartbeat. "Fed up". Like I've been stripped apart, running with nothing but the wheels left. Alone, and will always be. I've said these in 101 ways already in the past, in my darkest times of insanity, with the rope around my neck. But somehow, it feels like the time when the words cut deep and the thoughts hit you the hardest is when you have something to lose after seemingly going on for so long doing everything right; or at the very least in your power to do so, but you still feel like shit and you're reminded why, just why you are. You're reminded of that negative space left in the corner of your mind, your soul, something that should be there but isn't, that you just can't build around or fill; because it requires you to acknowledge that it's not there in the first place. I live with the underlying fear that every day is a false promise, and I live as a shell of my former self, what I could have been. Call it fate, put a bittersweet spin on 'how the pieces fall' or that 'its just life', but it still haunts you. I think most reading this will understand all of this.
I will try to mirror that description with where I am right now and who I am. I have dealt with comorbid mental illnesses and other disorders for many years. Namely, bipolar disorder, ADHD, body dysmorphia, dyscalculia, and an avoidant personality. I'm undiagnosed but think I'm good at ripping my insides out, through long, careful recollections back and forth about my experiences and substantial reading on the subject.
I'm undiagnosed because I live in a society (somewhere in Asia, figures) where it is only in its very nascent stage of mental health awareness, and is still rife with stigmatization which I have faced throughout my whole life; thus largely contributing to my aversion to continuing seeking official mental healthcare, which I had for a short while in the past simply to a psychiatrist who was willing to prescribe me medications based on my account of my symptoms and my financial situation; where we have always struggled with money somewhat. We were told a private diagnosis would easily cost thousands and financial aid or public services can be at best described as selective and tedious.
The outcome of my issues. Well, it hasn't resulted in suicide (while close). But it inevitably led to me experiencing a massive identity crisis, losing contact and having fallouts with all my friends, girlfriend, and everyone I used to know and turning into an almost complete social recluse, dropping out of school at 15, going between anorexia to ballooning up in weight binge eating and drinking which has led to very severe sleep apnea and early signs of congenital heart disease (which I'm about to check out) and which basically means I'm pretty sure I have stunted/damaged myself mentally and physically, and for many years severed close relationships I had with my family who thought of me as an unbelievable disappointment.
Most of this happened within the last 5 years until I had a change of worldview after we experienced a huge financial setback (another one) a few years back, which also resulted in a major interpersonal crisis between my mom and dad where my mom attempted suicide by jumping out of a car almost into oncoming traffic and them having shouting matches all night along which I had to break apart. Something in me awoke to do right by my family and find my way out of the place I was in, the best way I knew how to. This for a while meant it triggered a manic identity crisis where I couldn't sleep and dreamt up crazy business ideas and went as far as to convince my parents to dump our life savings into cryptocurrency, which they did, only for me to end up burning out from the realization of the insanity, losing a few k's. It has also crushed me with the realization I am reminded of occasionally that if I had HODL'ed instead of being 'Howard Ratner', I could have easily saved us with the skyrocket in the value of bitcoin last year.
Fast-forward to then accepting that I should probably only ever think about investing if I had an income stream to begin with, so I decided to hit the books. Completely procrastinated, only up until the last 2 months before my exams (IGCSEs) and managed to ace everything by the skin of my teeth. I've always been a relatively fast learner, able to put the bare minimum amount of effort and scored the top in classes back until before I completely stopped giving a shit and fell asleep in classes/exams (because the education system is a kafkaesque travesty).
But nonetheless, I officially finished high school at that point and was one step away from going to university, which was/is in my situation; to ace my A-levels in order to target scholarships because we're poor. I would also, up until the current day start homeschooling my younger brother as well who has made it farther than most kids would his age in his academics. Ever since then though, it felt like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, only for my father to die from a painful, excruciating battle with heart disease, shattering the dream I had that he would see his efforts to have finally paid off and see me graduate and take care of him someday. I have not recovered from this and can only cope by existing in a state of disillusion and apathy beyond belief. In spite of that, we managed as well as we could to pick up the pieces and got right back on track; despite things being far from perfect, we are still grateful.
I believe I'll only recover from the death of my father and everything we've been through when I see the day that I have at least found security in my life, and can at least do right by my father's memory and make him proud. And in my current situation, I feel like I can only do that by bare-knuckling through my issues and desperately holding out the thought of receiving mental support, as it's just beyond our finances for me to get the help I need (or so I tell myself), and it will pay off dedicating as much time as possible to studying. But still; here I am, on days like this, procrastinating from the most important task in my life, finding myself writing a sob story on Reddit, wishing for things beyond me, and feeling completely worthless as a result. I know I'm bound to rebound.. but this is a new low for me.
Thanks and/or my deepest apologies to anyone who has read this. I hope at the very least that what I've shared is just another story of facing the odds with mental health problems. I'm okay if anyone has something to say, but I wouldn't know what to myself since this is a pretty long-winded and messy post.
Have a good night right now probably you Americans/Canadians who are reading this. Going to try to get back to the grind.
