Most Alarming People 2022 (The Daily Beast and the New Yorker used to run a list like this as a year-end feature. This is my humble attempt to keep the tradition alive. A year or so ago someone said it reads like the rantings of Abe Simpson. I think he may be right.)
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GREG ABBOTT, Governor of Texas. Aggravating Factors: Has hosted a remarkable number press conferences on mass deaths in his state. Mitigating Factors: This year there was no mass-casualty event caused by the winter’s cold. This is a great improvement. Sentence: Vice presidency in a DeSantis administration.
PRINCE ANDREW, Aggravating Factors: Not that he screwed up his life, not that he hurt people, but that he did not take the consequences like a man. Mitigating Factors: Honestly, he was born into a difficult situation. Sentence: The Tower.
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JIM BAKKER, Aggravating Factors: Said Christian pastors are being murdered for preaching on controversial social issues: "We're not going to be able to preach much longer because they'll shoot us in the pulpits. They will kill us in our pulpits. You don't believe me? They're already doing it." Mitigating Factors: Honestly, we thought he had died decades ago. Sentence: He will no longer appear on these lists as we suspect he is unwell.
GLENN BECK, Another of those American conspiracy guys on the Internet. Aggravating Factors: Has pointed out the Constitution does not cite the Bible because “it didn’t need to.” Honestly, we have no problem with that. Mitigating Factors: Just about every recovering alcoholic deserves our respect. Anyone as ill as Beck seems to be deserves our pity. Sentence: A restoration of his health. A life of repentance.
MO BROOKS, Republican congressman from Alabama. Aggravating Factors: Cheered on the attackers as they stormed the building he was hiding in. Went on to hide in his house from process-servers. Was and still is an election denier. Mitigating Factors: Honestly, the man is simply confused. He has accused the Democratic and the Republican parties of waging a war on White people. Sentence: Despite his world-class butt kissing, Trump did not support him in his primary.
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MADISON CAWTHORN, Insurrectionist, congressman from North Carolina. Aggravating Factors: Accused Republican congressmen of hosting cocaine-fueled “sexual get-togethers.” His own parents call him a liar. He is upset people repost thing he wrote “in my early twenties,” he is twenty-seven. Mitigating Factors: He parties with strippers. We respect that as a lifestyle choice. Sentence: A rare example of an incumbent who lost his primary.
TUCKER CARLSON, Uniquely, a star on American, Russian and Chinese television. Aggravating Factors: He looks like someone slapped him on the back while looking at a math problem and now his face is stuck like that. “I just want to go on the record and say I could care less if they call me a pawn of Putin…” His show has discussed the importance of tanning one’s balls. Mitigating Factors: His mother cut him out of her will. Probably not really a Russian agent. He seems to simply be a contrarian. Sentence: Seriously? This is obvious, he will say something so dumb that he will be chased off TV. Then a sad life of trying to get people to download the TuckApp. Then a Wikipedia article with three edits a month.
TED CRUZ, Senator from Texas, the most-hated man in the Senate. Aggravating Factors: Election denier, insurrection denier, too balless to stand up to a milquetoast like Tucker Carlson. It is remarkable to find someone who has less of a moral compass the Dick Cheney. Mitigating Factors: We like his beard. It is wrong to say Cruz is a right-wing nut. He simply claims to believe whatever it popular at the moment. Sentence: Forgotten by history.
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RON DION DeSANTIS, Governor of Florida. Aggravating Factors: He deployed to Iraq with a Navy SEAL team. As a lawyer. Mitigating Factors: Has decided to wage war on Disney. Who could be against that? Sentence: Running for president while both kissing up to and defending himself from Donald Trump.
MIGUEL DIAZ CANEL, President of Cuba Aggravating Factors: Just as vicious as the Castros, but lacking in their charm. A former education minister, he defended his PhD thesis after becoming dictator. Mitigating Factors: Does not seem to actively hate Gay people. Sentence: Probably not what he deserves. We predict he will die in office at a ripe old age.
NOVAK DJOKOVIC, Serbian tennis champion Aggravating Factors: Tried to bully his way into Australia without his shots. Got sent back, teaching him an important lesson. Mitigating Factors: In the end, the Australians backed down.
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NRECEP TAYYIP ERDOĞAN, President-for-life of Turkey. Aggravating Factors He has a silent breve in his name. Although a NATO member, his country does a lively trade with the Russians. Mitigating Factors: He may or may not have attended and graduated from a real high school and college. We appreciate someone who pads his resume. He did not abandon NATO over Ukraine. Sentence: A military coup.
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NIGEL FARAGE, Minor British politician. Aggravating Factors: Led the UKIP, a party dedicated to taking Britan out of Europe. Enjoys supporting populists in the US. Sentence: Once Britan was out of Europe, the UKIP lost its purpose and folded.
MICHAEL FLYNN, retired US Army general, Russian agent. Aggravating Factors: "Do you believe in the peaceful transition of power in the United States of America?" “Fifth.” Mitigating Factors: He has a presidential pardon. Sentence: Watches his pardonless son rot in prison.
POPE FRANCIS, Aggravating Factors: Has vapor-locked in the face of the invasion of Ukraine. Has called for peace, rather than victory. Mitigating Factors: The man likes a stiff drink. So do we, so he gets a point. Sentence: Subject of a strong revisionist movement ten years after his death.
BRETT FAVRE, Retired American football player. Aggravating Factors: In the poorest state in the union, he decided to misdirect millions in aid money to his own causes. Mitigating Factors: Seems to have beaten his painkiller addiction. We respect that. Sentence: A life signing autographs for $50.
NICK FUENTES, Mainstream Republican. Aggravating Factors: A racist antisemitic blogger. A Holocaust- and election-denier. “I’m a reactionary,” Fuentes said. “I support autocracy.” Mitigating Factors: Nobody much takes him seriously. There is a lively discussion amongst his ilk if he had ever kissed a girl. Apparently, if he did, he is out of their club. Sentence: The Federal government decides to take him seriously.
PAUL FURBER, D.B.A. “Q” Mitigating Factors: By all accounts, he did not really mean for his lies to change the world. Sentence: A place in history for the next hundred years.
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MATT GAETZ, Congressman from Florida. Aggravating Factors: Under investigation by the Justice Department. His committee oversees the Justice Department. Says the American military is too “woke.” Mitigating Factors: Always paid the going rate for sex with minors. Sentence: His father cuts off the money.
NEWT GINGRICH, Former speaker of the House. Was removed for corruption. Aggravating Factors: He is a nobody who makes noise trying to be somebody. Sentence: Obscurity. We note his name is no longer in the spell-check.
RUDY GIULIANI, Formerly, “America’s mayor,” now he seems to be Donald Trump’s only real friend. Aggravating Factors: He need not be on this list. He could have retired gracefully from public life. At every turn he has fought to be in the public eye and so here he is. Mitigating Factors: He seems to have a fear of irrelevance that has driven him into a serious drinking problem. He has repeatedly stumbled and injured himself. We pity him. Sentence: Perhaps he will gain wisdom in the time left to him. Probably not.
EILEEN GU, Chinese-American Olympic skier Aggravating Factors: Probably she would not have made the US Olympic team, so she skied for the Chinese. She won gold and silver medals, made $31 million from endorsements. She is a professional model and plays the piano for fun. Mitigating Factors: During one competition she fell, which brought a smile to our faces. Sentence: Probably will get in trouble with the Chinese for something she will say online. She may make it back to the US, or not.
PAUL GOSAR, Republican congressman from Arizona. Aggravating Factors: You may remember that all his brothers and sisters appeared in a television commercial warning people not to vote for him. Voted against the investigation of the attack on the Capitol, medals for the policemen who protected the building, and ratification of the 2020 election. He is also opposed to the Violence Against Women Act. He supports President Trump and the weird Bundy family from his home state. He boycotted the Pope’s address to Congress. Mitigating Factors: Rather than stupid, he may simply be mentally ill. Sentence: A sudden ability to feel shame.
MAJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, ”Proud Christian Nationalist.” Mainstream Republican Congressman from Georgia. Aggravating Factors: “Democrats are the party of killing babies, grooming and transitioning children, and pro-pedophile politics,” Sentence: Sex scandal.
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JOSH HAWLEY, Senator from Missouri. Member of the Sedition Caucus. Aggravating Factors: Press reports call him President Trump’s number one supporter in the Senate, he also seems to be a supporting of President Putin. Election denier. Mitigating Factors: Honest in his own way. He used that photos of his fist-salute to the Capitol’s attackers on his reelection material. Sentence: Lifetime subscription to the Saint Louis Post-Dispatch, and the Kansas City Star.
AMBER HEARD, actress Mitigating Factors: It would be wrong to say she did not give a shit in her relationship with Johnny Depp. Sentence: Sure, she damaged her career, but in truth she is an actress and so would have been washed up in a few years anyway.
LEBRON JAMES, Basketball star; the public face of Nike. Aggravating Factors: Calls himself a civil rights warrior, but refuses to fight on the Chinese Front. Thinks those who support Hong Kong “should be educated.” Mitigating Factors: Fully supported NBA uniforms that said “Liberation, “ “Freedom,” and “Speak Up” in 2020. Sentence: Twenty cents an hour.
RON JOHNSON, Senator for Wisconsin. Aggravating Factors: “I’ve never really felt it was society’s responsibility to take care of other people’s children.” After the massacre of nineteen elementary school children in Texas, Johnson helpfully pointed out that the violence was caused by the “secularization of society.” Mitigating Factors: We suspect he is simply on the Russian payroll and is not really a bad person. He has a wonderfully active imagination. Sentence: A careful audit of his accounts.
ALEX JONES American pundit. Is not on the list as we suspect he is mentally ill.
JIM JORDAN Congressman from Ohio. Aggravating Factors: He is on the House Oversight Committee. Previously he overlooked sexual assaults. Mitigating Factors: There is no proof he ever sexually assaulted any of his students. Sentence: Nothing. He got away with it.
VLADIMIR MIKHAILOVICH GUNDYAYEV, D.B.A. PATRICARCH KIRILL OF MOSCOW Putin’s choirboy in every possible way. Aggravating Factors: Leads boys to their slaughter; "Go bravely to fulfill your military duty. And remember that if you die for your country, you will be with God in his kingdom, glory and eternal life" Mitigating Factors: Probably the only pontiff to have been a KGB agent. He is not solely motivated by money. He also wants to punish Gay people. Sentence: Finding out there is an actual day of judgement.
HENRY KISSINGER, Noble peace prize laureate. Aggravating Factors: At age 99 he wrote another book and managed to make a tour of the talking heads to shill for it. Mitigating Factors: The Grand Old Man of American Diplomacy and has been on the wrong side of history at most every turn. Once the Ukrainians began to hold their own, he began to support them. Sentence: Given his physical appearance, even one more year of life seems punishment enough.
FRANK LANKFORD, Senator from Oklahoma. Aggravating Factors: He was an official of a Baptist youth camp. After a child was attacked, he was asked if he thought a thirteen-year-old can consent to sex. “Yes, I think they can,” he replied under oath. Mitigating Factors: Being a graduate of a Baptist divinity school, he may simply be unaware of his responsibility to protect children. Sentence: Prominent mention in the outside report on child abuse in his denomination.
ZHAO LIJIAN, Spokesman for the Chinese foreign ministry. Aggravating Factors: During the Russian invasion of Ukraine noted, “The US bio-military activities are not transparent, safe or justified. In Ukraine alone, the US has set up 16 bio-labs. Why does the US need so many labs all over the world? What activities are carried out in those labs, including the one in Fort Detrick?” Mitigating Factors: None really, he is smart enough to know better. Statements like this in a period of tension can cause a war. Sentence: Probably a purge.
ALEXANDER LUKASHENKO, Belarusian strongman. Aggravating Factors: Formerly funny, then alarming, at this point he is simply sad. Worst combover in history. Mitigating Factors: It is probably wrong to blame him for a lot of the stuff he does. It seems he is simply a Russian puppet at this point. Sentence: Nightmares about trying to swim while tied to a corpse.
GHISLAINE NOELLE MAXWELL, Former socialite, now Federal prisoner #02879-509 Aggravating Factors: Conspiracy to entice minors to travel to engage in illegal sex acts, conspiracy to transport minors to participate in illegal sex acts, transporting a minor to participate in illegal sex acts, sex trafficking conspiracy, and sex trafficking of a minor. She even failed to pay her own lawyers. Mitigating Factors: None. Sentence: Twenty years of confinement.
THOMAS MASSIE, Republican Congressman from Kentucky. Aggravating Factors: A discount Rand Paul with the charm of Ted Cruz. He votes against disaster aid to any state but his own. Donald Trump said, "third rate [g]randstander" who ought to be cast out of the Republican Party. Mitigating Factors: To be fair he also votes against support for Ukraine, action on climate change, and the Hong Kong Human Rights Act. Sentence: Forgotten to history.
DOUG MASTRIANO, Mainstream Republican from Pennsylvania. He ran for governor and lost. Aggravating Factors: He is an election denier. His Air University paper talked about how Liberals would stage a Hitlerian Putsch. He said only the armed forces could hold the republic together. He has his doctorate from some school in the Maritimes. That school is now examining their procedures for awarding doctorates. Mitigating Factors: He retired as a colonel, so he made it further than we did. Sentence: A long career in the Pennsylvania legislature.
DON McLAUGHLIN, Mayor of Uvalde, Texas Aggravating Factors: After the massacre of schoolchildren in his town he helped prepare a false narrative to protect the police. When Beto O’Rourke, a local politician, yelled at Governor Greg Abbot at a public event, McLaughlin screamed O’Rourke was a “sick son of a bitch.” Mitigating Factors: We admit he has been under a lot of strain and emotion. Sentence: A lifetime of regret he will never admit. The first paragraph of his obituary will be about his reaction to the school shooting.
RODNEY McMULLEN, Head of the Kroger supermarket chain. Aggravating Factors: He is paid over nine hundred times more than his median workers. This is the largest pay gap of any American corporate executive. Mitigating Factors: Offers an employee discount on store-branded foods. Sentence: First-class seating on an oxcart to the guillotine.
ELON MUSK, Cartoon villain. Aggravating Factors: Compared the Canadian prime minister to Adolph Hitler; Musk lacks the social skills instilled in every Montessori school in the world. Mitigating Factors: He can be a very effective jerk towards the Russians when he wants to be. He has nipples like wine corks. Just look. Sentence: Becomes a decent person. Feels shame.
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VIKTOR ORBAN, Hungarian strongman. Authoritarian goon. Mainstream Republican. Aggravating Factors: He is a racist, homophobe, anti-democratic dictator. Mitigating Factors: But then again, he is on our side. Keynote speaker at the American CPAC meeting.
SARAH PALIN, Retired half-term governor of Alaska. Aggravating Factors:Ran for Alaska’s one House seat. Mitigating Factors: Lost. Sentence: Forgotten by a right-wing movement she helped establish.
RAND PAUL, US senator, perennial denizen of this list. Aggravating Factors: Named as a Russian propagandist by the Ukrainian government before he voted against NATO expansion. Mitigating Factors: Was in favor of marijuana legalization before it was mainstream. Sentence: A long dotage.
VALÉRIE PÉCRESSE, She ran for the French presidency for the Republicans. Aggravating Factors: Has brought the center-right Republicans to the looney-right by introducing race-baiting into the campaign. Mitigating Factors: She came in fifth. Led her party to an historically-bad election result. Sentence: Nothing. She is not the problem the French people are the problem.
VLADIMIR PUTIN, Russian President-for-Life. Aggravating Factors: His nation seems to be operating on vodka and ill-defined anger. The really remarkable thing is that a year ago we all thought he was an expert at playing a weak hand well. Mitigating Factors: Despite what your read, Putin is not Hitler. Xi is Hitler. Putin is Mussolini. Sentence: Falls out of a window. Three times. He is not worthy of being trusted or feared.
PAT ROBERTSON, This is the guy who comes to mind when you think of a cornpone American TV preacher. Aggravating Factors: Is upset that President Biden has not threatened the Russians with nukes. Mitigating Factors: Honestly, it seems to us that his family grew tired of keeping him away from TV cameras. He is simply delusional at this point. His problems seem as much medical as moral. Sentence: Melting away on live TV.
*GLEN THOMPSON, * Republican Congressman from Pennsylvania. Aggravating Factors: Voted against protecting same-sex marriage in Federal law. Mitigating Factors: The next week he attended his son’s same-sex marriage. Sentence: Embarrassment and confusion in the House gym’s locker room.
DONALD TRUMP, Former president of the United States, golf cheat, the most persecuted person in history. Aggravating Factors: “His brain is like a radio playing at top volume, but between stations.” Steven King Mitigating Factors: He is not lying. He honestly thinks the whole world is out to get him. Sentence: Have you seen him lately? He may not make it to next December.
DONALD TRUMP, Jr., Aggravating Factors: He pays people to bait bears so he can shoot them. Mitigating Factors: We can hardly imagine a more dysfunctional family to be born into. Sentence: In time, he will be the central character in a neo-Shakespearian tragedy. His life will be studied, evaluated and reevaluated. All will determine him to have been an asshole.
KAMILA VALIEVA, Russian figure skater, drug cheat. Aggravating Factors: A drug cheat on a team that was sanctioned for cheating. Mitigating Factors: Not her fault. Cheating is part of Russian culture. Sentence: Spending the rest of her life telling people she did not cheat.
HERSCHEL WALKER, Aggravating Factors: While running for the US Senate he made numerous comments that simply embarrassed all who heard them. Mitigating Factors: He does not seem to be evil, just very stupid. Sentence: Early onset dementia caused by blows to his head.
LANCE WALLNAU, Did not make Wikipedia, and so he did not make this list.
YOU, Aggravating Factors: You honest to God think the war in Europe was caused by Donald Trump, gas prices, and bitcoin or perhaps Joe Biden, critical race theory, and gender pronouns. You think children should be given powerful drugs to adjust their gender, but not be allowed to get a tattoo. Mitigating Factors: Of course you are confused. You live in a country where you can buy a machine gun and get a ticket for not mowing the lawn. Sentence: The bliss that is ignorance.
