Here’s the deal, friends.
I have yet another housemate leaving “to be closer to work”. This is the second time this has happened; my Housemate Retention Rate is down to 33%. Maybe the far room is, like, cursed or something?
So here we are, again.
Look. I need someone who has their shit somewhat-together. I'm not talking, like, "I'm a volunteer fire fighter on my weekends and I have two full-time jobs at two different orphanages." That's TOO FUCKING TOGETHER. I just need someone who likes a drink after work but also can afford a drink after work, someone who can play word games (that's part of the interview btw), and someone who will put their dishes in the goddamn dishwasher. It is mindblowing how hard that seems to be for some people.
I'm not asking too much, here.
I KNOW you can do this, Sacramento.
So enter You.
Wait, no; let's talk about Me. You're probably curious.
I'm a fantastic housemate. I work a Real Job on weekdays, I'm away on business about a week every month (I’m currently away on business — great time to tell me you’re moving out, dickhead current housemate — and I won’t be back for another week), and I'm probably writing code, writing novels, or playing video games during the times I'm at home. I'd rather be out cycling if I'm honest, but (1) it’s hot as all hell and (2) people keep stealing bike parts from ON MY PORCH, ON FUCKING CAMERA and it’s tough to go for a ride without, y’know, wheels.
I have friends and I invite them over sometimes (MOVIE NIGHTS WHATTTTT??!?!), so I'd strongly prefer if you were cool with, y'know, human interaction. It's weird that I have to specify this, but 2018 was a hell of a time and I don't have faith in 2019, yet. My mates aren't, like, hooligans (okay my friend’s sister is kinda spicy, but she’s not usually around) — but if you're of the "home should be a library all the time" opinion, this might not be the situation for you.
Also, if you have friends (that are not horrible degenerates; good degenerates are fine), please introduce me to them. I am SO social you have NO IDEA.
Oh, and I'm like 30. I don't know. I quit keeping track when I hit 25. I could figure it out if I needed to, but... why? I'll worry about it when I need social security (lmao jk that'll be long gone). Born in '90, you do the math.
I do smoke a couple times per day (OUTSIDE BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ANIMAL AND IF YOU FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE) and I drink, like, almost every day — this is a poor choice for a halfway house, if you know what I'm saying. I'm not saying I get trashed and fight mailboxes, but I'll have a couple with dinner.
Oh, and I can cook (when I actually buy groceries, which I haven’t done in a while because I’ve been at home like two weeks out of the last two months). I'm, like, good at it. Listen, though -- if you don't cook, you do the dishes, and vice versa. We live in a society. We have a dishwasher, shit's not hard. Just do like the BARE MINIMUM.
So that's Me. I've written this thing from the hip, so it probably gives a pretty solid vibe about who I am.
Also, we gotta talk about Tanner and Naota, since they also live here now. Tanner is a human, and Naota is a little doggo. He's super useless, but he'll try to punk you. Don't take any shit from a dog that fits in a cereal box, you're bigger than him. Tanner's cool, though. Like me, he travels a lot for work. Also, don't let the name fool you: when I first interviewed this guy, I was like "Aw fuck, I'm meeting some twat named fucking tANnEr" but he turned out to be pretty chill.
Also his “toTaLLy nOt mY GiRLfRieNd” is there pretty often (real talk, I’m gonna charge that girl rent — which is good for you, because your rent would drop!). She’s cool.
So that’s my life. Now let’s talk about you.
At first, this part just said, "fuck it, we'll do it live. Hit me up and we can interview. You've already read this far, so you're probably not The Actual Worst". I was wrong. Turns out, after doing a few dozen interviews, I have to concede that there are some notable exceptions:
• If you have cats, no. I'm like hella allergic and I will literally die. I fucking love cats, but I can't live with them. Life is so cruel.
• If you have children, no. I've spent thirty fucking years making sure I didn't have to deal with children, and I'm not gonna start now.
• I'm REAL SKETCH about couples. If you have Couple Drama, I don't need that in my life. I also don't need to hear you banging in the shower next door when I wake up for a pee at 3am (guess if this has happened 0 times or more than 0 times -- I'm writing this shit for a reason). That said, I will CONSIDER couples, but know this: your rent will be higher. Even if you're only taking up one bedroom, you're also doubling the number of people in all the common areas, y'know? Fair's fair.
• Like seriously, if you're a couple and you're thinking about it, you better be A-fucking-plus tier. I'm not saying "no" but I am saying "probably fucking not". No offense, but I don't know you. But, hey, if you think you have what it takes, let's chat.
• If your job is illegal, probably no. I don't wanna live with, like, meth dealers. Bad news.
• Also if you don't have a job, probably also no. Unless you have a fat inheritance or you got rich on Bitcoin or some shit. I trade options, hit me up.
Sorry about all that negativity, but man I have been SLOGGING through some of these interviews.
To combat spammers, shoot me a text with your favorite sea animal as the subject line. Don't email me; I'm gonna insult you and block you. If you call me, I will ignore it. THEN call you back at some bullshit hour. THEN insult you and block you. It's 2019. Just send a text. Don't email me.
Anyway.
About the place: Three beds, two baths, you get the big room. Living room is like A-tier, throw blankets and shit. They are SO COZY you can't even understand!! Both of the couches turn into ACTUAL QUEEN BEDS so if you wanna watch a movie, it gets HELLA comfy in this bitch.
Place is an upstair, btw, so if you don't have working legs, I'd say... maybe don't. Sorry, Professor X, you're fucked.
Bright side, though, this means we don't have upstairs neighbors. No random thuds in the night! Woo! Plus, balconies are CRUSHING patios, just saying.
Location? 25 minute bike ride from midtown/downtown (or 5-10 minute drive). 2 blocks from the kinda-ghetto shopping center which inexplicably has an amazing sushi place ($17 all you can eat for lunch, you love it) and a somewhat-fancy grocery. There's a bike shop like a 15 minute ride away (if you bike then you're probably hired btw). And we have a bitchin' breakfast place right down the street; SMASHES hangovers.
Gotta warn you, though, we live like 3 blocks from the bike path, and the homeless come out from time to time and descend upon the town to steal bikes (or my fucking WHEELS) in the dead of night to get parts for their chop shop, as I was informed by my insurance adjuster after three of my bikes were stolen. I wish I were kidding, but I'm "I installed cameras" serious, and I've seen their Grand Theft Bike shantytown with my own eyes. Crazy, right?
Aside from that, though, no issues! I mean, you get the occasional kerfuffle or asshole who doesn't turn down their music before driving through, but that's apartment living.
Speaking of apartment living, we have two pools, a fitness center, basketball courts, a tennis court maybe?, and a sort of public hall thing where you can host events, no charge. It's the kind of thing that seems cool, but I've never actually used it. Huh.
Looking forward to living with you, maybe, if you're not crazy. Or, well, if you're "Good Crazy", that's fine. Just don't be "Stabby Crazy", or "Riddled With Neuroses Crazy", or "My Ex Crazy".
Either way, if you've read this far, you're maybe all right.
Have a nice summer. 🍻