It always felt to me like characters in post apocalyptic books or movies spent the majority of their time endlessly lamenting all the things they miss the most about their previously highly advanced civilization. Usually the answers would revolve around lost luxuries. A perfectly cooked gourmet steak perhaps? Maybe a relaxing spa day? Or the simple ability to fly from one end of the earth to another in a matter of hours, but now that I’m living it, do you know what I miss doing the most?
Anything. Anything at all, really. As I’ve wandered the endless wastelands, I longed to find moments that were new, or different, or even remotely intellectually stimulating. Throughout the several decades since the Great Collapse, my days were depressingly repetitive. I scrounged for food and scrap among the ruins of once great cities. I scoured neighborhoods for any sign of other survivors, without success. I took shelter wherever I could, and tried desperately to entertain myself by batting a ball of twine around... like a goddamn bored house cat. Tom Hanks at least had a volleyball best friend when he was lost and alone in Castaway. I hadn't even been that lucky, I’ve yet to meet a ball of any kind with any notable personality.
It's in that context of sheer boredom and lack of mental stimulation that I made my shocking discovery. Buried within the depths of a generic looking office building I found a computer. A computer that would have already been considered ancient by the time of The Collapse, I only recognized the giant bulky metal box from pictures and history lessons. With no expectation of it being in working order, I flipped the switch and to my shock and amazement, the dusty and weathered monitor lit right up!
It displayed a simple black and white message: Wikipedia: Offline Version. What the— can this possibly be real?
The memories of endless hours I’d spent going down "Wikipedia holes" came flooding back to me. I didn't believe it as I clicked the screen to begin, but against all odds, this indeed seemed to be a fully functional version of Wikipedia. Granted, it was horribly out of date, with articles and edits ending about a decade prior to the collapse, but to me, these 'out of date' pages were still absolute manna from heaven.
I scrolled to the page for the Theory of Relativity and pumped my fist in the air when it loaded. I could garner great knowledge from the millions of pages of scientific information contained within Wikipedia. This wasn’t a purely intellectual curiosity. I don't remember half the crap I was taught in high school science classes, but with the help of this database, maybe I could figure out how to create metal tools, or make my own healing salves... or soap... God, I'd kill for a nice soapy bath and the feeling of being actually clean for the first time in years.
Between reading up on ancient Roman construction techniques and improvised methods employed by the castaways on the TV show Gilligan's Island, I convinced myself that I could make myself a basic aqueduct system to capture and transport fresh rainwater... and maybe even build a radio out of a coconuts. Okay maybe that's a stretch, but the possibilities felt endless at the moment!
Finally, I held my breath as I readied myself for the final test of this archival database. When Kylie Jenner's page popped up, I nearly wept with joy. The 'Personal Life' section of every famous person I tested was still totally intact. Look, don’t judge me until you’ve been in my tattered shoes! Some minuscule form of trashy, vain, useless celebrity gossip had returned to my life and I felt blessed beyond belief.
As I visited page after page for hours on end, a strange message eventually popped up. Please Read: A Personal Appeal from Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales.
I chuckled to myself. I remembered these fundraising messages that used to show up once a year! Even this felt a tad nostalgic in the moment. It was fairly absurd that these messages had been left in the 'offline' version, but they were harmless enough... right up until they weren't.
I browsed constantly for weeks on end, until the 'personal appeals' ended and the personal insults began. Dear Reader, You are in the 99.9th percentile of hours spent browsing by Wikipedia users this month and you have not donated or even read our master's personal appeal? Are you a monster? Please read NOW and help keep Wikipedia free.
Apparently Offline Wikipedia had become somewhat sentient and was tired of what it perceived as my freeloading bullshit? Still, at least I was able to close the message and continue on my journey through knowledge and information long since forgotten by our post apocalyptic society.
That all changed on my 30th day of consecutive Wikipedia addiction. The screen went completely blank as I was neck deep in the bizarre, incestuous, backstabbing thousand year history of the British Royal Family. I hit every button imaginable, but Wikipedia seemed to be on it's own timetable. Finally, a full screen message appeared. Dear Nightmare Garbage Person, you MUST read this message from my master before continuing.
I clicked it, and read the generic appeal, but there was no way to close it out. Only one button appeared active, "Donate now". With great trepidation, I clicked it and sure enough, an old school donation window appeared. I clicked on $100 praying it would just assume I had the money or that currency even still existed, but no such luck. "Choose your payment method" was the response to my monetary selection.
I flew into a frustrated rage as I read the options. Credit cards don't exist! Even the physical cards I’d once had were long since melted down to make spoons or other basic tools! PayPal? Does this stupid Wikipedia bot think that PayPal servers are still in operation somewhere out there in the wasteland?! I cackled with sheer madness as I my eyes reached the final option. BITCOIN? My laughter was endless and uncontrollable. The attempted, and horribly botched, switch over to an all BitCoin based economy by our dumbass 23 year old president had been the first domino to topple over in a chain reaction of events that lead to the end of human civilization.
The irony was so rich in so many ways. I clicked every donate button I could find for days on end, praying it would finally let me back in, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was completely and permanently locked out of the system. It was in these moments that I finally allowed myself to consider the possibility that I was already dead and being tortured for my sins, because being this tantalizingly close to all the human knowledge in existence, but being unable to access it, felt like I was already in hell.
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