Writing Project Charlie I

I know I’m required to write this down, otherwise I might be here forever. Let me apologize for any errors, confusion, nausea or vomiting, epileptic seizures, trouble sleeping, or any other side affects you may experience from reading this novel. If someone appears in your dreams claiming to be me, please notify the nearest member of the Mushroom Cult. An imposter armed with Twitter bots is on the loose. Be warned, he only has ill intentions.

Okay, here I go.

I was wandering through the woods when that gang of minion bears ambushed me. Honestly, if this whole thing is anyone’s fault, it’s those responsible for my false imprisonment, and that damn lawyer for drafting me into the labor force. Maybe then, we could have avoided the whole apocalyptic end-of-the-world situation.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

There I was walking peacefully, lawfully, and responsibly through the woods. I don’t remember walking into any woods, and I know for a fact there are none in the area I live in. I just suddenly found myself strolling under the thick ceiling of these large pine trees. It was as if I had just woken up and started walking.

What I do remember is avidly enjoying myself in my new-found surroundings, the scent of pine was thick. There was a cool breeze that made the air comfortable. Sunlight could barely penetrate the trees, and a low fog added to the mystic of these woods. Pine needles crunched under every step I took.

I was drifting aimlessly through these woods observing the trees. I touch one of the trunks, and my eyes followed it to the top. The unusually wide branches made it impossible to see the top of the tree. It seemed to stretch on forever. I could barely see the sky. The voices in my head whispered, this place was extremely curious.

I moved past the tree, and stopped to observe a growth, not twenty feet from the base of tree I had touched.

I bent down. What was growing was a short mushroom, maybe three inches tall. It was bright red, with white spots dotting the top. It shined in the darkness of the woods, reflecting any sunlight that was strong enough to reach the ground.

It was beautiful. The voices in my head became exuberant; they all agree I should pick it up. As I went down to pluck it from the earth, just before I touched it, a sharp cry, in a language I could not understand, pierced the air.

“DARVEN-KRAX-GHOUL!”

I turned around. There were six bears. Well, at least I assumed they were bears. All of them were under three feet tall. If Chewbacca had married a midget, sorry, little person, these guys would be their children. As hilarious as they looked, they were all fully armed with swords, metal body-armor, and helmets. I froze, puzzled, meeting their gaze. What I assumed was the leader was one-step in front of the other bears with his paw extended pointing at me.

I wasn’t all that surprised by that sight. I’ve seen a lot, and I mean A LOT, of strange things. This event made more sense to me than what I’d had for breakfast that morning, which I hadn’t remembered eating.

Five second pasted in this standoff. Tension was building in the air. The leader never lowered his paw, and again bellowed that God-awful cry.

“DARVEN-KRAX-GHOUL!”

I made a face of disgust. This was obnoxious and annoying. It was really putting a damper on my whole nature/forest experience.

“Right back at you buddy.” I said, giving him the finger. I turned back down to pick up the mushroom, that I was sure was trying to give me all the answers to the universe. The moment its stem left the soil, all hell broke loose.

“AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!” chanted the bears.

As I turned back around, they charged me from a distance of thirty feet. Not once did their chant cease.

Before I had a chance to run, brace myself, or even pocket the magic mushroom, the gang of bears jumped on me. Knocking the mushroom and me to the ground, causing my head to bounce off of a tree root. That hurt, I’m pretty sure I was bleeding. The voices in my head were down for the count.

These toddler-sized furries were now crawling all over my body. One of these annoying little pricks was right in my face holding down my shoulders chanting, “AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!” Its breath fogged up my glasses. The whole time they were tying me up with a rope. I got really annoyed with the bear in my face, and started chanting back at him, “AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!” I yelled back at him much more forcefully. He scurried down my body away from my face.

Before I had even a minute to realize what was going on, the bears had me completely tied up. They left a loose end of rope at my feet so they could drag me.

The leader started speaking gibberish in a very authoritative tone. The persistent chanting stopped. He was now barking orders at his subordinates, who quickly jumped to action. All six bears were now dragging me over their shoulders with the leader taking the front.

Apparently, they have a chant for dragging people that is different from their attack chant.

The leader started it off, “MA! MA! MA! MA! MA!” The rest of the bears followed suit in cadence. They began to pull me.

I didn’t say a word. I didn’t want to give these heathens any satisfaction for their work. I worked my hands out of the rope enough to stick both of my middle fingers up. The bears had no reaction to my gesture.

Occasionally, I would do my best to throw off their chanting rhythm. I would yell, “MA!” at instances where it wouldn’t line up with the rest of the chant. It worked a little, a couple of those savages got thrown off and confused.

I stared up at the roof of the woods. I still couldn’t see the tops of the trees and could hardly see the color of the sky. I think it was pink.

The small, hairy militia pressed on. I lost track of time, but eventually I could see the sky, it was pink. I was out of the woods. I could no longer feel pine needles drag under my back, soft grass had taken its place. The trees had disappeared.

From the ground, I hadn’t a clue where I was, or what my surroundings consisted of, but after my imprisonment, in later events, I got a lay of the land.

I had been brought into the realm ruled by the power known as the Toilet Wizard, ruler of the bears. (It is unknown to me why the Toilet Wizard is called such a thing, or why he is the ruler of the bears. It is said he is undefeated in Wii Sports Bowling, with a record of 456-0.)

The Toilet Wizard’s domain consisted of a circular clearing, surrounded by a wall of trees. The circle had a diameter of about half a mile. In the center was a hill where a small castle, about the size of a small supermarket, sat on top. It was square, with four towers in each corner. It was made of an ancient gray stone.

I of course at the time knew none of this. I just knew six armed bears, who were now dragging me up hill, had kidnapped me, which I assumed was due to the mushroom.

Once at the top of the hill, the bears stopped their chant. They had brought me to the portcullis of the castle. Which is just the gate. It was currently raised.

The bears stood me up, and in one motion, freed me of my bondage. Before I could enjoy my freedom, four new bears appeared and worked quickly to restrain my wrists behind my back. Two bears then grabbed my arms and led me inside the castle.

We immediately took a right. The ceiling was low, and the hallway was dark. The only source of light was the small ember emitted from the torches hanging on the walls.

The walk down the hallway took forever. The castle wasn’t that big, like I said before, it was about the size of a small supermarket, but we walked straight down that hallway for six hours. I remember glancing at my watch for only a second before being restrained. It had been 4:10pm when we began the walk. By the time we approached a small wooden door at the end of the hall, and I had been tossed into their dungeon, it was 10:13pm.

I had been more or less shoved into this dark, windowless room. Like the hallway, only torches hung on the walls. I was laying on my face trying to recover from being thrown into prison. Luckily, the bears had removed my restraints before locking the door with a loud bolt.

My feet ached from the walk so I sat against the stone wall. At this point I noticed I had two dungeon mates. One was obviously a knight, dressed in full chainmail armor, and had a helmet that hid his face. I thought he looked like he could’ve had a role in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. He sat with his back against the back wall of the room.

The other prisoner was a full-grown minotaur. He was sitting down, but he looked like he was easily seven feet tall. He only wore a clump of furs and leathers held in place by a giant metal belt around his waist. His upper body was massive, rippling with muscles, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. The horns of his bull head were sharp and curved. His snout was pierced with a gold ring. He sat adjacent to the knight, his legs criss-crossed.

“What’s up?” asked the Minotaur, his voice sounded surprisingly human. He sounded like he could have easily had said to me, “Hi, welcome to Chili’s.”

“Hey” I said with a quick wave. I cracked a smile. I was hoping my time spent in this dungeon wouldn’t lack good conversation.

“I’m Dave.” said the Minotaur, pointing to himself. “That’s Groggoniche.” He pointed at the knight.

“Russ” I said pointing at myself

Groggoniche gave a casual wave, but he didn’t say anything.

“What are you in for?” asked Dave.

“Taking a walk, picking mushrooms I guess.” I said casually. “What about you?”

“Unpaid parking tickets.” Dave looked a little embarrassed, but threw his hooves up as if to imply, “What are you gonna do?”

“Bummer, what about you man?” I motioned towards Groggoniche.

“I got stopped again last night coming home from an office party. This is my fifth DUI, I’m fairly certain they’ll bathe me in fire again.” Groggoniche said this very grimly.

“It happens to the best of us.” assured Dave.

“Where you from?” asked Groggoniche.

“Dallas” I replied.

Groggoniche laughed, “Ha ha, I’m sorry.”

I was offended, and became defensive, “Why? Where are you from?”

Groggoniche chuckled again and said smoothly, “Ha ha ha not Dallas.”

“Oh.” I said flatly.

Dave, in an effort to reignite conversation, asked, “Does anyone watch Game of Thrones?”

Before I could even comment, a whole army of bears had charged the dungeon door. They were like angry ants, moving in unison.

“Oh great.” said Groggoniche, sinking his head.

The bears swarmed us. Chanting in gibberish as usual. We were all led out of the dungeon and into the hall. It was a frenzy of fast paced chanting as we were walked down the hall. This time the trip only took around thirty seconds.

We turned left and were chaperoned into a large courtroom. The light was surprisingly bright. The carpet was gray; the whole room was furnished in a polished pine, assumedly cut from the surrounding forest. The “ceiling”, if it could even be called that, had no light fixtures, it was like staring up into space. I could see stars and constellations, and I even saw a comet whip by from the far corner of the room. The entire universe seemed over-head.

The jury box consisted of bears of all sizes. Some smaller than the ones who attacked me, and some larger than grizzly bears. They roared and hissed as the three of us made our way down the aisle.

We sat at a table before the judge. A plaque posted on the front of the judge’s bench read, “THE HONORABLE TOILET WIZARD. RULER OF WEST WUSSELLWAND. CHAMPION OF WII SPORTS BOWLING.” Sitting in the seat was a short old man in a purple bathrobe, his skin pale and worn. His hair and beard were a sharp, silver, long, and unkempt. He wore wire-framed glasses that were hidden under the shade of his tall blue wizard hat. He seemed incredibly agitated with the three of us. His icy stare seemed to cut through us as we took our seats. Tension was building, and I began to sweat.

After three minutes of the silent, agitated gaze from the Toilet Wizard, and the continuous uproar of the bear jury, our lawyer appeared.

The doors swung open dramatically, making a loud banging noise. A middle-aged man, wearing a navy-blue wetsuit, began power walking down the aisle to where the three of us sat.

“I’m so sorry your Honor” began the man, “those damned school kids held me up again.”

The Toilet Wizard let out an impatient huff. He was not at all amused with me, Dave, Groggoniche, or this estranged man who was late because he was being mugged by schoolchildren.

Our lawyer opened his palm towards the Toilet Wizard, fingers extended, “Five minutes, please! Let me council my clients.”

The Toilet Wizard motioned his hand forward, looked up annoyed, he hated being there.

The man shook each one of our hands, he seemed to be in a hurry. “How ya doing boys, I’m here to get you out of this. All you boys have to do is follow my lead; no one is going to get eaten by the Pit Lizard on my watch!”

“What?” exclaimed Dave. Panic flashed across his bull shaped face. He was trembling. Groggoniche dropped his head at this talk of the Pit Lizard.

“Hey!” yelled back our lawyer. “Don’t you worry; you’re all going to be just fine!” He pulled out three cards, and handed us each one. “I’m a professional!”

I looked at the card. It read, “Richard Waterpants, Attorney at Law. Specializing in Pit Lizard Defense.” I had no idea what a Pit Lizard was, but based on the looks of Dave and Groggoniche, I really hoped that Attorney Waterpants knew his stuff.

“Everything we need to get you out of this is in this briefcase.” Attorney Waterpants slammed a briefcase, that I had not noticed he was carrying, onto the table. “By the end of this, all four of us will be drinking Pomegranate La Croix on the beaches of the Magenta Sea.” He seemed extremely confidant, which lifted my spirits, and ended my sweat.

“Why are we all being charged together? What am I being charged for?” I demanded to know.

Our lawyer chuckled, “Yeah, right, like you don’t know. All I can say is I’m really glad I’m not you.” He slapped me on the back. “All three of you are being tried together because it’s the end of the year. The Toilet Wizard is trying to get everyone through the system. It’s either get tried together, or run out of time and face the Pit Lizard without trial.” He pointed at me authoritatively, “They’re doing you a favor pal.”

The Toilet Wizard spoke in a language I could not understand. His face red, we had obviously exceeded his patience.

“What is he saying?” I whispered to my attorney.

Waterpants’ face turned white, “You can’t understand him? Oh Christ!”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out something wrapped in cling-wrap.

He quickly unwrapped the plastic. What was inside was absolutely horrid. It appeared to be a PB and J sandwich, only it was green, dotted with mold, and it reeked of what smelled like gasoline. As I opened my mouth to ask questions, Waterpants shoved the whole thing into my mouth, and made me chew it.

I nearly puked, but I managed to swallow it. The room began to spin; the voices in my head were in a panic. I was sure I was going to fall out of my chair. I grabbed the edge of the table to keep myself grounded.

After about thirty seconds of this misery, the room began to focus. The voices silenced. I could hear the jury. They no longer spoke their gibberish language, “FEED THEM TO THE PIT LIZARD!” they cried.

The Toilet Wizard banged his gavel, “Enough of this delay! The Pit Lizard grows hungry!” The jury box cheered at this statement.

“Your Honor,” began Waterpants, “my clients are being held on charges that should be considered criminal!”

“They are criminals!” yelled the Toilet Wizard. “The knight is being charged with his fifth DUI this year!”

Groggoniche crossed his arms and shrugged.

“The Minotaur hasn’t paid a single parking ticket since 2005!” The Toilet Wizard pointed his gavel at Dave.

Dave looked embarrassed. The Toilet Wizard then turned his attention towards me.

“And you!” his angry gaze was sharp and pierced my soul, “You stand accused by the World Window of bringing eminent destruction to the entire Realm of Wussellwand!” There was an uproar from the jury following this statement. I hadn’t a clue to what I had just been accused of.

“My client is completely ignorant of this accusation!” Waterpants sprang quick to my defense. “He was found wandering in the woods, causing no harm or destruction!”

“Trespassing! He was trespassing! Not only that, but on my domain!” The Toilet Wizard was fuming. “Regardless of his current or past intentions, the World Window has spoken! To question the World Window is a crime punishable by Pit Lizard as well!” The Toilet Wizard bent down behind the bench, and emerged with a computer monitor. Silence fell within the court.

He faced the monitor towards the court, and slowly, Windows 95 began to boot up on the screen. After a long pause, that seemed to last an eternity, a desktop with a background picture of the Toilet Wizard in sunglasses on a beach appeared. There was only one icon on the screen. A word document.

The Toilet Wizard clicked on the document file. The file opened a page with a single line, typed in comic sans, number twelve font, “Russ Jackson will cause the apocalypse ;)” I was wildly confused. The jury gasped. My lawyer turned white.

“Indisputable evidence!” the Toilet Wizard swung his arm back and forth punctuating each word. “What say you?” The Toilet Wizard slammed his hands a top the bench, red with rage.

“One last piece of evidence, your Honor!” Waterpants was sweating as he faced the briefcase to open towards the Toilet Wizard. He flicked open the case. The only thing inside was a crumbled-up piece of paper with “Lol No he didn’t” written in sharpie.

There was a roar of fury from the jury; they simply could not cope with this somehow groundbreaking evidence. My lawyer smiled weakly at the Toilet Wizard.

The Toilet Wizard snarled his face in disgust. “And where did this so called ‘evidence’(He used air quotes around “evidence”) come from?”

“From the high prophet Bernicus, leader of the Mushroom Cult, reigning world champion of Rock Band.” Waterpants seemed desperate.

“Bernicus” pondered the Toilet Wizard, leaning back in his chair, “these are his words?”

“Yes!” cried Waterpants. “Upon the trespass arrival of the human” he pointed towards me, “the prophecy was declared.”

“The World Window and Bernicus conflict!” announced the Toilet Wizard, spreading his arms wide. “There is much to be considered! I must ponder this!” the Toilet Wizard closed his eyes and began to rub his temples. Silence once again fell upon the court.

After ten minutes of silence and self-reflection, the Toilet Wizard sprang to life. “Labor!” declared the Toilet Wizard. “The human, among these two other heathens, will not be fed to the Pit Lizard!” The jury let out a very disappointed cry. “Fret not!” cried the Toilet Wizard, “the human, the knight, and the minotaur, will all work within the southern BitCoin mines for the next one-hundred years! Death will not come to any of them! Hard labor will prevent them from any wrong doings!”

“Yes!” said our lawyer, putting his fist in the air in victory. As long as we weren’t fed to the Pit Lizard he considered it a win. “Pleasure serving you boys and good luck!” he shook each one of our hands again, grabbed his briefcase, and sprinted out of the courtroom, with his flippers slapping the ground.

Dave and Groggoniche look sick. They were not as thrilled by the verdict as Waterpants was. Groggoniche sank his head, Dave looked like he was going to be sick. I was sweating again.

“The chances we survive the first week of working the mines are slim, I’d feel better taking my chances with the Pit Lizard.” said Dave.

Groggoniche let out a sigh, “Man I really wish they’d just peel my skin off, like they promised to do last time.”

“Rise!” demanded the Toilet Wizard, pointing at us. We all stood to attention. A gang of bears entered the court. “Take these workers to the Southern Stop! Issue them chariots to aid in their journey!” The bears seized us, and we were taken out of the court.

Although I knew I could understand the bears, they said nothing as we walked down the dark hall into an even darker room. The room was pitch black. I had no idea how big the room actually was.

A bear flipped on a light switch, a spotlight shone in the center of the room. Three BMX bikes were sitting under the light.

“Chariots” said one of the bears pointing towards the bikes. Another bear approached us with a piece of paper in his hand. He gave it to Groggoniche.

“Map” said the bear tapping the paper in Groggoniche’s hand.

The “map” was a crudely drawn on notebook paper. There was a circle with a square in the center, which I assumed represented the Toilet Wizard’s domain. A line drawn in red marker snaked from the drawn square, to the lower right corner of the paper.

“Wait here.” said one final bear, pointing to the end of the red line, punctuated with an X. The bears then pushed us towards the bikes. Another bear hit a button on the wall that I had not previously seen, a garage door opened to the outside world.

In the distance, the trees stretched towards the sky, which was now blue. The grass was green and lush. We all mounted the bikes. I got the black one. I was thoroughly confused, but the voices in my head were calm.

“Go.” said the bears, pointing outside. Groggoniche peddled first, taking off down the hill. Dave and I were in close pursuit.

The sun was warm, and its rays highlighted the colors around us. The clouds above us rolled off into the distance. Our bikes rolled smoothly through the clearing. We neared the tree line and I watched Groggoniche disappear into the darkness of the woods. I followed closely behind along with Dave.

The darkness of the woods encompassed us. The ride became bumpy as we traversed roots and over growth. Groggoniche was gaining distance. Apparently, the knight was extremely skilled on a BMX bike. I did my best to keep up with him. Dave was struggling too. I could hear his breath become heavy as his powerful Minotaur legs peddled along.

After what felt like many hours, we reached a small clearing. Groggoniche stopped and let his bike fall to the ground. I was seconds behind him, and Dave soon followed. I was exhausted, struggling to catch my breath, sweat made my t-shirt stick to my skin, my glasses were fogging up from the heat radiating off my face.

“Where are we?” I asked. I looked around; the clearing wasn’t a perfect circle like the Toilet Wizard’s domain. It was an irregular shape. The trees made the area almost claustrophobic. The grass was just as green and as lush as the grass that grew near the castle. There was nothing here.

“Is this where the BitCoin mine is?” I asked confused, looking around.

“What? No.” said Groggoniche. “This is the bus stop that takes us there.”

“What bus stop?” I asked, I couldn’t see anything but grass and trees.

“The one right there.” Dave pointed behind me. I turned around. A red bench resting on concrete sat on the edge of the clearing, the sunlight seemed to reflect off it.

“We have to take a bus there?” I was puzzled. “What’s to stop us from taking these bikes somewhere else?” I gestured towards the bikes. They had disappeared.

“They’ve returned home.” said Groggoniche. “Besides, we’re still in the domain of the Toilet Wizard; he knows every move we make.” He pointed towards the trees. “They speak to him.” The wind blew, and the branches of each tree shook.

I shuddered at this. “What now?” I asked.

“We sit and wait.” said Dave. He and Groggoniche walked towards the red bench. I followed cautiously behind. The three of us crammed into the bench, it was a tight fit, but we were all seated. I was sandwiched in the middle.

Time slowed down. I stared up to the sky. The clouds were creeping at a slow pace above. The blue of the sky was slowly turning pink. I could see the planet Saturn become more and more visible.

The voices in my head were making inaudible whispers. I was tired from the trial and the journey. The world began to spin and I felt myself slowly drift to sleep. It felt as if a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. I was felt so serene.

As my eyelids dropped, Dave clapped in my face. “No!” he yelled at me. All sleepiness left my body. “Don’t fall asleep! You can’t live with the consequences!”

“What?” I couldn’t piece together what he was saying.

“He’s right.” said Groggoniche. I looked over at him he was leaning back, puffing on an e-cigarette through the holes on his helmet. He casually looked off in the distance.

“What flavor is that?” I pointed at his e-cig.

He turned his head towards me without saying a word and threw it over his shoulder. Before it hit the ground, it exploded with a loud crack!

“What the —” but before I could finish my sentence, our bus appeared.