Sobriety and Other Destructive Life Choices

Started this year off at around 90 skydives to my name, 5k in savings and was entering my second year bartending at a spot that netted me anywhere from 800 to 1000 a week working 3 days a week. By far and away the best job I've ever had in my 12 years doing this. I was completely burnt out on bartending at this point but addicted to the money and lifestyle it was providing. Like a normal person I was renting a room and taking care of myself.  Ya know, balanced.
January:  started the year off by probably having Coronavirus before we were told to panic about it.  Got extremely sick and recovered after about a week. Broke 100 jumps. Still had a good balance.
February: Got drunk slept with a chick at the drop zone which messed up another thing I had going on with someone else.  It was kind of a toxic situation anyway but I felt guilty about it and decided I'd take 30 days off drinking.  Also started hanging out again with a girl I had hooked up with in December. We had a good chemistry and similar insecurities. We start hooking up regularly from this point on.  Life still balanced at this point but i chose to move out and couch surf for the month of March.  I was chasing a goal (learn how to wingsuit) and knew I could knock out the last 70 jumps I needed (gotta have 200) if I skipped rent for a month. I also wanted to live alone (tired of roommates) and knew taking on renting a place alone ($1700 a month for studios in this town) would cut into finances heavily. Figured if I got to 200 first I could slow up my pace with skydiving once eligible to wear a wingsuit.  Some points to note.  The drop zone is two hours away from the town I live in  ($50 in gas each round trip). Skydives typically cost me $500 for 22 jumps at a time ($23 per jump) otherwise they're $27 if you buy them solo.
March: did not buy bitcoin when it crashed. Half my savings was on me personally in cash and I was in AZ for a skydiving event when it happened. I also had absolutely zero foresight / full on delusion about what was going to happen next. By the time the weekend finished my job was gone and my home drop zone in CA was closed. I stayed an extra week in AZ spending money jumping. Drove back to CA homeless and spent a week renting hotels (blowing money) then spending another week at the girl from Decembers apartment . Hit my 30 day mark and decided to stay sober
April: spent $1500 to rent an airbnb for the month to avoid being homeless. UE starts to pay out and life feels - financially anyway- pretty normal.  $880 a week (284 from UE 600 from pandemic boost). Spend the month eating not so great and hanging out with Dec girl. At this point my savings are down to 2k after paying off everything from March and first half of April's credit card bills. Still sober. 
May: A small drop zone in Arizona opens and I drive out there on the first.  Spend 11 days out there and get from 168 to 195 jumps. Average jump price is $27. Get tired of the heat and drive back to CA to spend a week in big sur with girlfriend.  Except big sur is closed. We get a hotel.  I pay since I know she's going to end up with me drifting in and out of her place this month. Seems like the least I can do. Still found a pretty hike to sneak in too. Out of nowhere my home DZ in CA reopens. I do my 200th jump there. I drive back to AZ and do a wingsuit first flight course there over memorial day weekend. Drive back to CA rent a hotel and finish out the month at Dec girls. At this point I have no idea where my finances are really at. Im living on credit cards but I know I'm basically spending the full $1700 I get from UE every two weeks. Mostly I'm just going back to zero. Use credit cards > get paid > wipe out or almost wipe out credit card bill. Still sober.
June: spending weekdays with Dec girl and weekends at my home DZ in CA. I pay for a day of wingsuit coaching ($700) and am flying through jumps pretty quick ($500 every 22 jumps) before hurting my neck. My cat almost rips his tail off ($700). I take two weeks off jumping. My neck feels healed and I renew my wingsuit rental for another month (totaling about $700 so far since May). I pay for a skydiving camp at the end of the month($200). My necks still hurting after a weekend of jumping. Someone invites me to skydive in Washington over the fourth of July and I decide to text my boss and find out if we're going to reopen.
This is where the party ends.
"We're not going to reopen this year. Maybe not ever again."
I'm blindsided by this. My boss outright owns this bar. It's been there 45 years. Not reopening hadnt crossed my mind at all. 
Still sober.
July: The bar officially closes permanently. I spend the majority of the month NOT jumping to let my neck heal. I buy a tent and an air mattress and more or less set up shop at the DZ. I'm offered a gig on the packing mat. Dec girl and I have birthdays one day apart. She wants to go scuba diving and I just want to get some use out of my wingsuit I rented but havent used all month. We spend our birthdays apart. This also happens to be my one year mark in the  sport.  I finish my first year of skydiving with 270 jumps and feel really good about it. I'm excited to start packing and start a new chapter in my life. While I'm definitely unhappy about losing the bar job it feels like I'm on the right path to do what I love.
Unemployment ends and I am $2000 overspent.  I use the last $2000 from savings to pay it off. For the first time in 4 years I am completely broke. 
July 28, 4 days and 12 jumps into year Two I collide with somebody while wingsuiting. Flew into the side of his head with my knee. Miraculously he's fine and immediately I lose all my confidence. Not just in the sky but on the ground as well.
 I start packing with a wonky knee the next day. 
I'm 32 years old living in a tent in inland CA in the peak of the summer (see: awful) with no money to my name.  And somehow all of this is while I am still sober. 
August: I realize pretty much immediately this is not what I want. Me and Dec girl finally act vulnerable with one another and admit obviously there's feelings here. I spend money I dont have to go out to Catalina with her. I pack the rest of the month but I'm treading water at best. Still sober
September: I barely pack this month and dedicate what I make from it as a wedding gift for two good friends next month. A friend from the beach town needs someone to watch her dogs for most of the month and I get a free place to stay out of it. I apply for a job as a temporary carrier assistant with the usps. I start to sink financially. I get my Coach rating in case I want to get work as an instructor at some point in the future. (Coach is NOT high enough skill level to get paid but is a stepping stone to instructor). Strangely I feel even worse after getting it. Skydiving is turning into a stress point for me as it requires constant spending and I really don't have any extra income anymore. 
 I. Am.Still. Sober.
October: I move out of the tent from inland CA and back into the room I was renting in the beginning of the year in the beach town. The wedding comes and goes. A friend from the east coast who got his skydiving license comes to visit and I blow $700 jumping with him. I'm supposed to start my job with the post office in the beach town Oct 19.
I pussy out on the job.
I'm still in disbelief that life as I know it is over and don't want to work this much (I guess that's what triggered this horrible decision?).
I enter an echo chamber reading online about how working for the post office sucks and scare myself out of taking a job I'll be obligated to be at 6 days a week. Somehow I manage to forget it's a temporary job. A way to solve all my problems for only 2.5 months of working 6 days a week. Even typing this now I'm equal parts ashamed and baffled on why I didnt take the fucking job. Mind you I am 8 months sober at this point.  Hasn't done shit to help my decision making. The Dec. Girl smells the weakness in this and we start rapidly unraveling. I go back to work at a restaurant I used to work at. The money is pitiful and the hours are limited. 
November: I'm negative everyday and take way too much out on Dec. Girl. She's over it.  She goes on a weekend getaway to big sur with her ex fiance. Exit stage right. Honestly can't say I blame her and not looking for pity points on this.  I do two skydives for the first time in 6 weeks at the end of the month. Still sober.
December: CA locks down again.  I am unemployed again. Every mailman I see looks exhausted and I legitimately feel like I'm missing out when I see it which is the weirdest thing ever to me.
2020 in review: I'm finishing this year still broke,  back in debt for the first time in 2 years, unemployed, alone, at 321 jumps and still sober. I will be homeless again and couch surfing at the end of the month out in AZ. All of this stems from the choice to refuse to take that post office job. It also stems from choosing to chase my tail rather than plan for tomorrow at any given point. From the failure to prioritize anything maturely.
I have absolutely no idea where I am going with my life or what to do with myself and I am kind of shocked about how fucking bad I am at the game of life. My inability to adapt this year has left me feeling a complete lack of confidence in myself and my ability to choose correctly.  I don't know if this is a result of life burnout - if moving across the country alone to CA 12 years ago and providing for myself until now has somehow 'lost its appeal' (???)- or if it's a mental breakdown, or something else entirely. I'm upset I took the best connection I've had with a woman in years for granted. High highs low lows.