So I've seen the Maladaptive Daydreaming video, and I know it's a bad habit of mine. I know the kind of people I admire and what they dwell on when their mind is idle - they're curious, they're problem solvers, they generally think about whatever it is they're working on or contemplate an event in their actual lives, or think about things other people have done and use it to understand who they are. They're analyzers, they're creative problem solvers.
My problem is I'll often prefer daydreaming about how my life could have been if I had made a different decision earlier. Usually the fantasy involves being instantly teleported to some moment in my life with all the memories and lessons I've learned now - I'd know which girls were into me in high school and form relationships with them when I was otherwise oblivious, I'd spend my time learning to code instead of learning to draw, I'd get together with my best mate and jointly build a Battle Royale game with him, and I'd invest in Bitcoin in 2010 and release Flappy Bird in 2012. I'd come to university as a fully formed professional instead of the stupid and dorky kid I was.
Most detail I'd usually go into was the Battle Royale project. I'd think about how I'd pitch the game to my best mate - He's a huge Metal Gear Solid fan, so I'd get him to imagine the MGS3 opening cutscene and how you'd really be a Naked Snake, with a hundred other Naked Snakes out to kill you. How I would finance it if I invested in bitcoin in 2010 and sold in 2012 - I would make a joint ownership with my close university friends but hire more experienced talent to be senior developers on a wage. How would we manage the project despite being so woefully inexperienced ourselves? How would we handle microtransactions? Who would be responsible for the networking code, replicating not just player inputs and bullet trajectories but also environmental mechanics?
How would I handle the relationship with the girl I didn't know had a crush on me in high school, would we be long distance or would I somehow manage to convince her to move to the big city with me? How would my development goals impact the relationship? I have this entire alternate timeline of my life built in my head of the past 10 years and I have absolutely no plan for where I see myself in 5.
I do all of this usually when I'm on a bus, or going to sleep, or sitting in front of the television while friends and family watch the football, or any time I'm not gouging myself on youtube videos or reading about reddit relationship dramas and culture war bullshit. But for the life of me I can't seem to direct my mind to do the things I want it to do, and to be the person I actually want to be - curious, intelligent, witty, problem-solving, motivated to acquire any skill I want to and to build things. I can't bring myself to become that person in real life, so I fantasize about being him instead.
Anyway. I don't know how to stop this. I'm not the person I wish I was and don't see any value in being anything other than that. So maybe meditating and being more present in the moment will help.
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