Burnout

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but here goes a bit of a... incoherent rant...part of me just want to vent at the ridiculousness of life and all we've been through

Over the past decade, I've been...a futuristic person, trying to look into the future and what needs to get done

Doing all I could for me and my family's future

We were in very shitty situation and to a certain extent still are...facing problems left right and center

One of them is that two family members have serious health problems

I believe I did everything I could in this life in terms of productivity...in terms of my own sanity however is a different matter...

No smoking

Drinking very rare...only when there's an occasion like being invited to a Christmas party

No outing with friends

No vices other than rare occasional drink during Christmas...even then I made sure not to drink too much

No gaming

All the stuff normal people do I consciously avoided doing because we simply couldn't afford to for family sake...that bad...just surviving day to day

Took a few extracurriculars like being involved in Electrical engineering Student organization, doing my part helping our organisation, climbing the ranks to become president which had the nice perk of getting 50% discount for the review centers for board exam ( Long story short. Country where I'm from has a licensure examination that you need to pass to be able to practice certain profession, in my case Electrical engineering)

Tried building up a network to help me in the future career wise and when the time came most didn't...those who were willing couldn't help much

Multiple occasions in my life of tried to save up...only for one unforseen event to come and whatever I've saved up goes into helping to fix whatever event that was

I foresaw the rise of bitcoin and was an early adopter. I saw how it's value was going to go up. 5k PHP I invested became 45k, I was gleeful for a brief moment...before the money was consumed to help with family's expenses as another event happened

I liked to plan ahead and kept in contact with my seniors and asked if I could borrow some notes so I could get read ahead whenever possible

Got into the Dean's list twice

Got scholarship and did assignment for classmates to help with financial side of things

During my review I was helping to take care of sick family member

Passed the board exam and got a decently high rating. Could have gotten a higher rating if I didn't get knocked down by dengue for a week

Financially family was and still is not in the best situation, had to not eat for several days just to save up money for transportation and paperwork on several occasions I was job hunting

Was supposed to get into my first job march last year and the lockdowns went into effect

Kept a positive attitude and did what I could passing time, tutoring my juniors because online classes for them sucked bad

Whenever I would apply for a job I would do my due diligence and actually look up company and basic information and if I get called for first interview I would take that as a signal and then look up job specifications and research how to do this and that task for this job so I would be able to minimise my time needed for ramping up and hopefully perform well during probation/onboarding process...I now look back and part of me regrets exhausting myself for so many applications that did not pan out

Finally found a job...which I then resigned from due to various reasons.

Here I am now unemployed

I would best describe my current self as a tired old mule

I got nothing...I can't force my mind to research as I previously did when prospective employers call me back

Tired of this constant charade of life of JUST BARELY SURVIVING and whenever we finally get a little bit of a reprieve a new event/problem arises

Tired of "all the effort I put into everything and have NOTHING to show for it" is what is often circulating in my head

Tired of being pressured to find work...I KNOW our finances and our situation is BAD. I know I have a lot to live up to given I am a licensed electrical engineer. I am trying...