So you made yourself a little bit of money, huh? How nice.

 

All your life, all you've ever wanted, is a little bit of money. And congratulations, now you have it. Does it feel nice? Does it feel like a dream come true? Of course it doesn't. It's all just numbers on a screen, staring at you like a pathetic joke. But thanks to your thankless job, you made yourself a little bit of money. How nice.

And now, you, in all your half-decayed intelligence, have decided that you want to invest the little bit of money that you've made? Well, step right up to the raging wildfire that is the field of investing. We've got a shit-show full of stocks, mutual funds, bonds, real estate, gold and other commodities, all clamouring for your attention, and even more for your money. Done properly, you can retire into an ungodly amount of wealth. And done poorly, you can join the majority of investors setting their cash on fire, day in and day out.

But don't feel daunted or scared. You're on the right path, and that's probably the only time you're going to hear those words in your life. Just the fact that you're thinking about investing your money puts you at a major advantage, just the fact that you've even made a little bit money is extremely rare. Look around you, what do you see? People that are so poor that they're crawling out of their tents on the roadside, people that are such douchebags that they're buying worthless bling like fur sweaters and gold chains, people that are so childish that they absolutely have to buy the latest iPhone with their credit cards, and people that are so dumb that they just can't be bothered to learn about investing. Just the fact that you're here now, thinking about investing, makes you part of an exclusive club.

Before you get ahead of yourself and feel one cent of happiness for being better off than most, let me tell you something - there's an army of twats waiting to screw you out of the little bit of money that you've made, an army of twats who wants to take away the only thing that matters to your miserable existence anymore. These are crooked relationship managers who'll sell you anything to get commissions. These are unsuspecting relatives who'll recommend terrible investments just because they don't know any better. These are seedy stock brokers who'll push schemes offering incredibly high returns that are too good to be true. These are corrupt financial advisors who'll destroy your returns, either because they're incompetent or unscrupulous, or both. You've got an entire armada of twats just waiting to snatch the money right out of your wallet. What're you going to do about that? Are you going to put your head down and hand over the cash? Are you going to run to your mommy like the little bitch that you are? No, you're going to pull out a knife and stab that little twat right in the heart. And here's how to do that, beginning with a set of basic guidelines.

 

Savings are sexy

Let's be honest, you were never made of the stuff that gave wet dreams to women. Well, here's your chance. You know what all the girls like these days? It's not that ripped chest, or that sleak jawline. It's a man who saves. Step aside AXE body spray, there's a new sheriff in town. If you're spending more than you're earning, you've got bigger problems to worry. Before anything else, you need to make sure that you're bringing in more money than you're spending. So reign in your spending, delay gratification. That burger is going to taste pretty much the same without the overpriced slice of cheese. And the movie will probably be on Netflix in a few months.

 

Debt is your kryptonite

So you borrowed a little bit of money and are now stuck with the interest payments. That's okay, who hasn't done dumb stuff when they were young and full of hormones. I know I have. This one time I cleaned up an entire jar of mayonnaise thinking it was yogurt. Set some money aside every month, not just to pay the monthly minimum on your loans, but a little more so you can pre-pay all your debts. Some loans take priority over others: pay off your credit cards, personal loans and similar high-interest debt first. Keep in mind that not all loans are straight poison: those that help you develop assets like a home loan or increase future income like an education loan or business loan are alright. However, investing while carrying a high amount of debt is like playing football with one leg tied behind your back. Not exactly ideal.

 

Read like your life depends on it

Stop reading WhatsApp forwards, pick up a book, and then pick another one. If you don't develop a habit of reading properly, you're going to get a lot of poop flinged at you in this business. But if you can make it through a book every once in a while, get read to fling some poop on the n00bs. You don't have to go straight for the finance section. Begin with any book that sounds interesting to you, and work your way up. Reading not only helps you understand the world around you, but also develops a better personality and temperament within you. Most of you have the patience and memory of a goldfish, and generally speaking, goldfishes are not good investors.

 

Gold is old

Gold was what housewives in the 70s stockpiled in their cupboard because they had no other option. But you, you are the child of the 20th century. You actually know how to turn on the wi-fi. You have better options, like mutual funds. No matter what your uncle from the third cousin over says, investing in gold is setting your cash on fire. All it will do is make you feel good from the inside, while the eternal fireplace fuelled by your cash keeps burning in the background. Gold and silver are metals that we dig out of the ground. As an investment, they just sit there and stare at you. Just because they shine doesn't mean they're good investments. However, not everyone is convinced of this basic guideline. So if you're hell bent on investing in gold, I recommend going into the mountains and throwing yourself off a tall cliff. A medium-sized one works too.

 

Insurance =/= Investing

While housewives in the 70s had gold, housewives in the 80s had LIC*. Getting life insurance is critical if you have family that depends on your income, but insurance and investing, like pizza and pineapple, never mix well. Have you ever wondered what the insurance company does after collecting your premium money? Well, the company invests your premium money in stocks and bonds, which is also what mutual funds do. So let the insurance people insure, and let the investing people invest. Separation of labour was something that the caveman figured out in 2nd century. It's time you evolved from being a caveman.

 

Real estate is not real investing

The only reason for you to buy property is if you're going to be living in it. Buying real estate purely as an investment is one of the worst decisions you could ever make. Real estate: is an illiquid market (need to wait to find a buyer or seller), has high transaction costs (stamp duty and other bullshit charges), has a lot of red tape (needs several government approvals) and faces high maintenance costs (occasional cost of paint and plumbing here and there). However, every other Tom, Dick and Harry will tell you that real estate is a great investment. Why? Because real estate is how Indians signal wealth to others. It is how Indians demand respect from the chaar log committee. It's how we tell people that we've got a big dick, and we're not afraid to swing it around. You don't have a big dick. Tuck that little stinker back in your pants. You're just embarrassing yourself.

 

Pick your poison properly

Identifying the bad investments is a greater skill than identifying the good investments. Now that gold and real estate have been vilified as bad investments, let's turn to the places that actually deserve your money - mutual funds. For the uninitiated, which includes most of you idiots, a mutual fund collects your money and invests it in the stock market on your behalf. A diversified basket of stocks in good quality companies will outperform most other investments over any time period longer than 10 years. Mutual funds can give you this diversified basket of stocks. If you haven't been living under a rock for the past few years, you've probably see the advertising campaign - Mutual Funds Sahi Hai. And if you have been living under a rock, stay there. We're doing great without you.

 

Get yourself into a coma

The best investors, the ones who win the game in the long-term, always have patience. When you're investing in stocks or mutual funds, you need to have a minimum time horizon of more than 5 years. Any less than that, and out come the fireplaces that are fuelled by your cash. Mentally, you need to be in a place where the stock market might run off a cliff screaming into the wind tomorrow morning, and you'll still continue investing as per your plan because you're thinking about the long term. This ensures that your emotions, influenced by the ups and downs of the stock market, don't get in your own way. Ideally, you want to invest and immediately get yourself into a coma. Trust me, no one will notice that you're gone. You're one person in a world with seven billion people. You're really insignificant in the larger scheme of the Illuminati.

 

Don't watch CNBC

All your life, you've only made socially acceptable choices, because you crave validation from the people around you. To your repitillian brain, approval from strangers feels better than an orgasm. But when it comes to investing, never seek validation of your choices, especially not from the pundits on CNBC. Televised business news focuses on the shortest of short terms, while you need to keep your eye on the longest of long terms. Yes, it is important to keep tabs on current events, but there are far better sources of information than the nightly news. I recommend reading Livemint and Reuters for news. Those two outfits did not pay me to endorse them, but if the PR people over there are reading this, give me a call. I accept cash, cheques and PayTM. Fuck it, I'll even take bitcoin.

 

Keep It Simple, Shithead

Here is a basic plan on how to use your money when you get paid every month. First off, take care of any loans by paying off the hungry bankers who will come demanding their pound of flesh. Pay off all credit cards, in full and on time. Now, estimate how much you're going need for your monthly bills - this includes everything from your electric bill to your tab at the local bar. Deduct that amount and invest the rest of your money. When it comes to investing, begin by putting in three months of your monthly expenses in a liquid mutual fund. This is your emergency cash stash. Next up, depending on your time horizon and risk appetite, select a combination of ~3-8 mutual funds. There are a few different types of mutual funds, here's a handy rule of thumb to navigate them:

	High time horizon	Low time horizon
Low risk appetite	Large-cap equity funds	Debt mutual funds
High risk appetite	Mid/small/multi-cap equity funds	Debt mutual funds

When you're done, set up SIPs so that you don't have to do the transfers manually each month. Every year, take some time off to review this process.

 

This basic plan will require tweaking, depending on the context of your life. But having that plan is very important, not just for your financial life but also for the rest of your life. In the back of your mind, you've always known that. But you never followed through on making a plan, and now your life is just a series of mistakes and regrets. Is that why you drink so much?

The lords of literature require that I write a conclusion to this piece. But this is not the end. This is the beginning of your investing journey. The basic guidelines mentioned here are intended to serve as the starting point for your own research. These guidelines are not rocket science, they are not supposed to be complicated. A person of average intelligence and awareness can reasonably expect to understand and follow them. The question is: are you a person of average intelligence and awareness? Assuming that enough of you read this, statistics require half of you to admit that you're dumb as a rock.

Always keep an eye out for the armada of twats that will try to convince you that investing is rocket science, simply so they can charge you high fees or lure you into unprofitable investments. Done poorly, you can expect a mid-life crisis magnified by a bonfire of your cash. Done properly, you can create the kind of wealth that can benefit you as well as your future generations. You've already disappointed your parents. Don't disappoint your children now.

 

 

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Side note: If you're a housewife from the 70s or 80s who objects to your characterization in this article, please write a formal letter of complaint and shove it up your butt.