I spend money to feel better after a lot of trauma.

I tried posting this under a new account because I don't like posting here under my real name. The post seemed to have been automatically removed by Reddit. Guess what? It might seem self-centered, but managing my online presence was recently an attempt to keep myself occupied. That can only take me so far, though.

My mother loves me. She doesn't want to see me in the same situations that I was in before. At the same time, she's not that into fostering independence. I bought a car nearly a year ago and her reaction had scared me so much that I had quickly sold it.

I've been through a lot. Showers can be difficult because that hot running water has me cycling through anger regarding past events. In fact, if I'm not occupied, then I will cycle through those events. My mother has told me "You have a lot of anger in you!" on many occasions.

I've gotten so much free money these past two years. I'm eligible for relief from federal student loans through the Total and Permanent Disability Discharge. I haven't done anything illegal. The Social Security Administration doesn't care about federal student loans and those student loans are not considered income. I HAVE put them into Bitcoin. Heck, I'd be quite well off financially if I would've just kept it all there. I struggle each day, though. Buying things is therapeutic.

In fact, I tried living without fiction and I couldn't do it. I couldn't just focus on career stuff. I've gotten immersed in numerous hobbies recently. I've spent money to get myself immersed in them.

I have difficulty accepting what I've done "for the future" when buying things "in the now" is so helpful. Each time I accumulate Bitcoin, which is the only way I can save as my current circumstances are, I end up spending it to feel better.

Those hobbies in large part include video games. I'm not feeling conflicted about playing video games. In fact, playing them is therapeutic as well. It's much better for me to play video games than it is to be unoccupied and to cycle through those events while being unable to deal with my anger.