This post will probably come off as arrogant, I'm just going to speak my mind. I'll be surprised if anyone gets through this whole post. I'm not going to make it sound good. I'm just gonna write. I'm 16 and a junior in high school. Every girl knows me and wants me. I'm probably the most attractive guy in the school. This is my first year at this school, before I went to private school.
I'm on the wrestling team and am the strongest one on the team by far. I eat healthy, I lift hard and it's paid off. I'm also very intelligent, which I hate saying and showing but I know how I stack up to others, and it shows in my SAT scores and other things. I used to be disliked by alot of people and I had hatred for others. I don't know how I feel about this, but ever since I started putting on a "dumb" act, I'm much more well liked. I keep my mouth shut when I want to correct someone, I don't go on tangents about shit no one cares about or understands, I pretend I know less than I do etc. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.
Everyone likes me. Guys and girls included. This started when I did a heroic dose of shrooms for my first time, I came out of the trip as a different person. I don't know how to hate people. I see myself in everyone, and I'm chill with everyone. I've never heard anything bad said about me. I don't like this. I feel like I'm the guy that everyone likes, but at the same time I have no close friends. I have a group of friends at my old school who I'm tight with, but there's no one on earth that I tell everything. I'm constantly trying to validate myself to them even though they're the closest friends I have. I don't know if this is normal, but I don't feel like I have any real friends who I open up to.
I have a terrible relationship with my family. I'm grateful for them because I know that it can be much, much worse. But I still don't like it. I don't talk to any of them. When I say talk I mean a real conversation, not just small talk and talking about my day. I don't look to my family for support, I don't talk about my problems to them, and I hate it. I know it's a problem, but I just can't bring myself to be close with them. I feel awkward around them and I can't be myself. I attribute this to the fact that we're very different people. After thinking about it for a long time, I think the root of my problems with my family is my interests. Every since I started doing "rebellious" things I've drifted away from them. I can't talk to my family about my life because everything I do is in disagreement with their values. I vape, I smoke, I drink, I've done multiple psychedelics etc. The worst part about all of this is that I recognize it, but I'm not willing to change my life just to have a relationship with my parents. I honestly don't know if I love them. I'd rather party and do drugs than to have a good relationship with them. To be honest, once I'm an adult it'll probably change because what they think won't matter to me anymore because they can't punish me. But I'm just unhappy about it.
Everyone wants to be me. Anything I do is mimicked by my friends. They have this image of me as if I'm better than them, like everything I do is the right thing to do. And I know why. I made this image, manipulated everyone into thinking I'm perfect, and now here I am writing a post on reddit about how I'm depressed. It started from the second I got into school. In elementary school basketball I remember wearing a shooting sleeve because I thought it looked cool. Two weeks later the whole team had one. In 5th grade I got into magic, my friends followed. I learned to solve a rubix cube, all my friends thought it was cool and followed. All of this is harmless but middle school is where it started to get bad.
I was a terrible person. I don't know if I still am and just don't show it, but I know for a fact that alot of people would be better off if I didn't come into their lives. I started acting up, disrespecting teachers to impress people and because I was bored, I bullied kids, etc. I got all my friends into doing dumb things essentially. In 7th grade I got a booter and used it to DDOS the school to get out of tests and presentations. Next thing I know everyone is using a booter. I started picking on kids, next thing I know all my friends are picking on the same kids. It got to the point where I said some really nasty things as a joke because my friends thought it was funny, and got suspended. I didn't change a bit. I was a little more careful if anything.
The assistant principle and principle of my middle school recognized how much power I have over everyone. They'd constantly tell me that if I would just use my influence over people to influence them positively, everyone would be much better off. I didn't care, if I want to do something I'm gonna do it. People following is their problem.
I'm at the point where I feel like I have to guide everyone. If I'm doing something, I literally have to tell my friends that I'm stupid for doing it to feel ok about it. Doesn't work. I started smoking weed, next thing I know my whole friend group is smoking. In the summer I smoked daily, and you can guess what my friends started doing. Now I'm getting my friends into more serious stuff. First I did shrooms, or at least that's what I call it. I ordered psilacetin or 4-aco-dmt (analogue of psilocybin) online. After that all of my friends wanted to try it. Didn't happen. No one in my area has shrooms and I ran out of my 4aco. Two weeks ago I tried acid because I found a reliable plug who I'm confident in that he sells real LSD. A week goes by and two of my friends have already bought some and done it. I feel responsible for it. If it weren't for me most people who have followed in my footsteps probably wouldn't have even tried weed. If I was a good kid they would all be.
I have social anxiety. I'm extremely uncomfortable with opening up to people. I think I have a trust issue. I didn't realize how bad it was until I thought a girl I like was messing with me by acting like she liked me back. She's in love with me. I still hesitate to show that I like her. I can't make myself look anything other than perfect to anyone, even my own mom. It drives me insane.
I attribute this to spending all of middle school and 9th grade playing video games all day. I'd get home and play until I couldn't. I didn't start socializing with anyone except maybe 4 people outside of school until last year. Now I'm comfortable with meeting people, but I can't get past being friends. I can't form close relationships. I can only open up to girls and have a relationship if they approach me. Sophomore year I glowed up. Prior to that I was considered ugly and I was fat. It's amazing how much being good looking can change your life. I get invited everywhere, girls constantly approach me. I probably get approached (on snapchat and in real life) by girls three times a week, all different girls. Nothing ever ends up happening. They think it's because they're not good enough, but it's because I'm scared to have a relationship because I don't want to hurt them if I leave them and it's incredibly hard for me to take the lead in a relationship.
The only people I like are people who party and do drugs. If they don't, we don't have a common ground. It's like it's the only thing that I have an interest in.
I constantly have turned to drugs to help me. I did psychedelics to try to get out of depression. Worked for a little. I self medicate with caffeine to make me feel something. I feel dead without it, even if I quit for several months. I use kava to try to get rid of my social anxiety. Doesn't work. Tried meditation. Stopped.
I couldn't give a shit about high school. I don't give a shit about college. If I want to make it in something I know I can. I've made thousands off of bitcoin and stocks. I've had multiple online stores and have made thousands. Made thousands from youtube. When I obsess over something I learn everything about it and do it. I don't need school. I just need something that interests me.
TLDR: Everyone thinks I'm perfect and wants to be like me. Obviously not true. It's my fault for creating the persona of being perfect. I don't talk to my family. I choose fun over them. I'm depressed. I think I fucked up my brain. Normal things don't excite me. I wish I could start over.
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