Hello, this is actually my first reddit post ever, so I'm still new to reddit, but I wanted to post this where I thought it would be the most fitting. Hello everyone, I have recently been through something that has caused me so much emotional trauma, that after 20 years of following Jesus Christ, I no longer believe in him. But, not only do I not believe in him, but I am so against him that I can never see myself ever reconciling with him or asking anything from him. But also, with how much I suffer from the event that happened in my life, I despise God so greatly that I want nothing to do with him, even to the point of going completely against him, which leads me into wanting to be an antichrist. But, and please just hear me out, I'm not a bad person. I'm very loving and kind to anyone that I meet, and I strive to help others to the best of my ability. I grew up a Christian, so loving people with a love like God's love was something that was instilled in me at a young age. And I loved God too, loving was just something that naturally came over the years. So, how did I go from being a loving Christian and following God, to wanting to go completely against God to the point that I now want with all my heart to be an antichrist? Let's talk a little bit about my background. So as mentioned before, I was a Christian for 20 years (since I was 5, I'm 25 now). I loved God, went to church, loved people, read my bible, followed the word, grew up in a Christian home, made friends (many of which are Christian), had goals and dreams, and that was my life. I even went to a private Christian university for college. And my life was nice and simple, get a degree, get a job, live life. But, growing up, I was always troubled a little. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my father turned into the most evil asshole that a kid could have as a father. As a result I developed a lot of emotional problems that to this day (especially with the event that happened, will talk about that at some point) I have fought with. With my emotional problems I grew up and struggled with a lot of insecurities that led me to never being able to achieve the goals in my life that I set for myself. All my life I would pray to God to take my insecurities away, but the prayer was never answered. Recently, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia Depressive disorder. Basically, I heard a lot of voices that weren't actually there, but at the time, I thought the voices were real due to my depression. The voices told me all sorts of stuff, but the biggest things that the voices told me was the people closest to me were prophets, antichrists, Jezebels, Babylons, olive tree prophets (read the book of Revelation in the bible if you're confused, or just google that stuff with Revelation) and, the voices ironically told me that I was a key end time prophet. My Schizophrenia actually made me so paranoid that for a period of time, I thought the world revolved around me and my actions. Basically, I would find small things, and blow them up in my mind and attribute the event to whatever I did around the time of the event. Also, there were some coincidences that just happened at the worst possible times which drove me crazy with my paranoia. One example, when my depression was at its peak(battling all my demons, but still getting better at the same time), all of the cryptocurrencies in the world experienced major drops, and when I began to feel better, they continued to go down, just pure coincidence, but they began to even out as well. But that lead me to have this sense that if I did good in life, they would either go down or even out, and if I did bad in life, they would go up. The voices told me that the highest powers of evil in the world controlled the cryptocurrency market, and they were out to get me because I was an end time prophet. So then a really shitty coincidence happened with that. One day, I had lied to my mom about something(which I shouldn't have done, but to my defense was very sick and losing my mind), and then the very next day, all the cryptocurrencies experienced a major price increase(bitcoin went from 6500 to 7500 in a day). So of course I'm losing my mind thinking that the one currency that the world potentially can share (the bible talks about in the end times the world having one shared currency) revolves around my life just because of these voices and these bad coincidences. Then, the event that led me into wanting to become an antichrist happened. So, pretty much a tragedy happened around the exact same time that I was going crazy due to a, well, let's call it a "flaw" that I had on my facebook profile picture. Basically I had this awkward flaw on my facebook profile picture which, at first didn't bother me so much. But after about a week, my paranoia had it drive me crazy to change it. So I changed it, but all I really did was adjust the picture that was already there a little so that the flaw wasn't as apparent. But that in itself was kind of awkward given that I could of just changed the picture entirely, but that doesn't really matter since the tragedy happened the day before. But anyway, after changing the picture, I decided to lay down. I sleep for a good 4 hours. Then I wake up, and I go on facebook. I had this aunt, and she replied on the photo. Now, what this aunt said, is something that drove the paranoia of my schizophrenia over the edge. Now let's talk a little bit about me again. I mentioned earlier that my father was the most evil asshole ever of a father, but he really wasn't super terrible. He just, well one, never once told me that he loved me(fuck you asshole for that) and two, he did a lot of wrong things with the family in regards to me as I grew up, but because he was such a selfish fucking idiot, he could never see his wrong, so he just came across as a bad guy, hence the emotional problems and father issues. So back to the aunt, she mentioned him, and said that I look like him. Given my schizophrenia, the voices in my head(telling me all sorts of bad stuff about my father and I's relationship), my father issues, and the fact that the comment stayed up for hours without me taking it down, that drove me over the fucking wall. So then I literally said, I really hope nothing bad happened because of that. Then of course, as fate would have it, the same aunt shared the news of the tragedy on facebook. The thing is though, is that it actually happened a day before my aunt did what she did.My initial interpretation had me lose my mind. It's the most ridiculous bullshit ever because as I'm sure you guys can see the tragedy had absolutely nothing to do with my aunt and I, or with me going crazy over my awkward profile picture, it just happened. Here is the fucking psychotic part about the tragedy though. One, it happened at a place that shares the same name as my home address street, and two, the number of people affected overall was the same number as my birthday date. So I'm pretty much beyond fucking psychotic because of all of these coincidences. But, this is where my antichrist tendencies come in... I can't get over the tragedy. My psychotic self tells me if only I had done better on facebook, because it tells me that technically the person who caused the tragedy could have gone crazy over my flaw and caused it to happen, just because of the bad fucking timing, along with other things. That one bad thing caused me to lose my will to live, even if it had nothing to do with me. You guys know what I want more than to be an antichrist? I want my life to end. Since that event, I've been beyond suicidal, yet I'm too afraid to end my life by the means I have available because I'm afraid of failing to kill myself. It's the pain that gets me. Yet at the same time, I feel dead every day. The tragedy happened almost 6 months ago and to this day, it's the only thing my mind can think about. Living is a neverending nightmare now. And that brings me back to why I hate God so much now... he allowed me to be cursed like this, and from being suicidal, a lot of other bad things have happened. Before the event, I was a solid programmer, but the event took my ability to think away, and now I struggle with coding so much that I'm not even sure if I can get a job and perform as I should. I can't think efficiently anymore because of that so fuck God for that. Two, I almost became a felon. After going suicidal, I went homeless and my family didn't want to support me because they saw me as a failure when they just couldn't understand what I was going through. Being homeless I met the wrong people and got caught up with them(they stole checks) and I was just trying to survive(though I never actually stole the checks, I cashed them for them, and I never want to steal anyone's money again), and now I can become a felon. And three, these same people fucked up my good credit score. I went from a 720 to around 500 in just a couple of months. I just want to say fuck God because he allowed for everything to be taken away from my life when I was just battling with my emotions and spirit. Now the only peace I feel I can find is in death, because thinking about the tragedy 24/7 due to my psychotic self always telling me "what if" from the tragedy happening just from the technicality and timing. I hate God now. What breaks my heart is no matter what, I lose in the end. I live, I suffer and feel dead. I die, I break the hearts of those who care for me. But to be honest, I would rather be dead than to be alive, regardless of how my loved ones feel. Hell, the bible says that he's doomed for destruction, but that's just not fair. Now everyday I say to myself the story of antichrists are about the people that God utterly failed, which makes perfect sense why that would be the case to think that, because according to the bible, God doesn't fail, but he sure as did fucking fail with me, and that's blasphemous on God to say that. Like, fuck you God for making me have this curse like I could have been responsible for a tragedy that had nothing to do with me, yet no matter what, I can't shake the thought. I have a sense of guilt from a tragedy that I had nothing to do with. I grew up loving God through thick and thin, no matter what happened, but I'm dead spiritually now, and just want to die. Now I'm literally anti everything that talks good of God, and I just want my life to end already. I've been checked into mental hospitals, put on meds, seen multiple counselors and therapists, none of which have helped. I just... can't live in peace anymore, that was taken away from me. Well that's my story. In case you didn't read the whole thing. I got screwed with paranoia from schizophrenia depressive disorder, haven't been the same since, lost everything good that I had in life, blame God for it, now I'm scarred for life from getting screwed over in the most unique and fucked up way, which has led me to go beyond against God.
No comments:
Post a Comment