While reading this post, a bit of honesty inside of me inspired this post about the truth of my drug use and mental health. I have written this post as catharsis and I can honestly say that it worked to make me feel better. I also wanted to post this here for the community so that maybe an introvert like me can find solace from shared pain and problems. For those who are interested, my mental health diagnosis is Bipolar I (Leaning towards depression).
The following is how cannabis, and other psychedelics, affect me after five years of use with two years of daily cannabis use.
Personally, when using cannabis and other psychedelics, I have found that the social setting makes a big difference so these experiences will be split into two separate categories.
Socially:
When I am stoned with others, I tend to get very talkative, but I usually do not have any good ideas. In lieu of good ideas, I just make endless obvious observations which without fail annoys everyone sober. When stoned, I have a lot of trouble following conversations or understanding what people are saying. So, about every five minutes, I make them /r/ELIA5 most of the conversation which kills a conversation and really pisses off the sober people.
When I am stoned with other stoners, I tend to get along great, unless I start rambling, we usually have an all around good time.
Individually:
Phase One: Pie-in-Sky Thinking
After consuming cannabis or other psychedelics, the initial effects start with a tingling sensation that moves over my brow down my back all the while relieving tension as it moves down my spine. This tingling is followed by muscle relaxation that eases me into comfortable like sitting on a cloud. Now, quite high above the ground, the dragon shows its scally face in the form of blissful mental euphoria that has started to take its place center stage.
At this point, my thoughts usually follow a similar path, but the theme of my thoughts tend to be based on what I have been thinking about or doing recently. This is where my thoughts lead to delusions of grandeur (Amplified by my Bipolar mania). These manic delusions are incredibly alluring and paint the most perfect life much like Infinite Jest. During these delusions, I feel the satisfaction of being a successful musician, professional gamer, and more recently a wealthy trader; these delusions build on top of each other and much like a poorly played game of Jenga it topples into itself.
Phase two: Breaking of the Grand Illusion
These delusions of grandeur are directly followed up by a few doses of cruel reality. At this point, my thoughts are usually centered on the ways that I have failed to achieve goals or when I was too paralyzed by fear to even take action. This phase is a depressive phase.
I think about my wasted lonely childhood that was lost to my second serious addiction, television. My early psyche was emotionally and socially stunted because of this isolation and television dreams of tomorrow kept me asleep instead of progressing. The lack of childhood hobbies has made it harder for me to form hobbies in my adult life. Thus resulting in an adult with no meaningful skills or work ethic.
I think about how I squandered my aptitude for STEM as well as my high school years because I choose to play 3500+ hours of DOTA 2 instead of building a work ethic before college.
I think about how much bitcoin I would have today if I didn't spend them on drugs. I am sure this feeling is not unique, especially here, but I think not saving some will always bother me.
I think about the whole year that I wasted while I was addicted to Ambien. I also regret not enjoying attending college; the whole time that I was in school I was infatuated by Ambien and cannabis instead of clubs, events, or even classes. I heavily regret losing my university enrollment to drugs. That being said, since I was a Philosophy major so it probably worked out for the best.*
Sometimes, I think about the regret that I have from not pursuing any self-education while being unemployed; I wanted to become a software developer and create the projects that I have dreamed of. Now, I don't dream because of cannabis.
I think about the damage that has been done to my body with drugs and overeating; overeating is my first addiction and I have had it longer than I can even remember. I sometimes wallow in the heavy regret that comes along with gaining 200 pounds in just two years; a two-year long binge of alcohol and food that was fueled by cannabis.
I think about my chronic unemployment; I think about all the lost wages for unemployment that could have invested in bitcoin; I think about the career opportunities that could be available to me if I had started a new job soon after becoming unemployed.
I think about how I have now become the new family drug user, drop out, and resident failure. There were several times during my Ambien and alcohol days that my breathing was so shallow that I could have very well have been the next person in my family to overdose.
A lot of my focus centers on thoughts of regret that I didn't put more effort into my mental health and physical health. This also includes social relationships with family whom I have isolated myself from.
Most recently, after eating a two gram edible, I made a complete ass of my self at a community meeting and I almost accidentally hurt two people there; later this same meeting, I was talking to a small child and then I accidentally told him that he was adopted. (Stoned me figured that since his parents are both different races, and he is neither, he would already know; I am still not sure why I brought it up though.) <--- This meeting has been the majority of my negative thoughts recently.
At the end of this phase, my thoughts tend to move to towards regretting consuming cannabis and being frustrated with myself for being unable to fight and beat this addiction. I tend to lament on my wasted time stoned and wish I had been doing something productive that produces value.
Phase Three: Self-Hatred
During this phase, negative self-talk about my mistakes echoes and reverberates through my thoughts; this amplifies even a minuscule mistake to all engrossing. The emphasis on my mistakes makes me frustrated with myself for not getting my life together; This urge to do better comes in conflict with the inner belief that I can't succeed. Then my habit of failure and learned worthlessness kick that urge to the curb to fulfill that self-fulling prophecy of failure.
This phase wears down on my motivation to make a change; it reinforces learned worthlessness and the belief I am unable to change in any positive way. This phase usually creates existential anxiety concerning what goals I will achieve and what purpose I will make out of my life.
Phase Four: Psychosis
The next phase is less composed in presence of mind than the rest. At this point, I have reached a heightened sense of alertness. This alertness is caused by increased anxiety which stems from Phase Three compounded by the last of the positive effects of cannabis subduing. The other features common in this phase are visual and auditory hallucinations, paranoia, delusions, and psychosis. The visual hallucinations are minor being either shadows or seeing something out of the corner of my vision. Auditory hallucinations include hearing muffled voices, my own voice clearly (but without me talking)**, knocking on doors, closing doors, or my name being called.
Against this mental turmoil, I usually hold my mental composure by taking a shower, laying in bed, or playing with a pet.
Phase Five: Wishing for Sweet Release
The final phase consists of existential anxiety, relief that the experience is ending, and the one thing that gets depressed people excited: Sleep! Off to non-dreamland!
*I am thankful that I don't have any good bartard stories but, to be completely honest, like most of that year, I probably just forgot anything worth sharing.
**This has only happened to me on heroic doses of cannabis and other psychedelics
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