My Lower-Middle Class Family
I grew up watching my mom and dad fighting over money. They weren’t two funny leprechauns fighting over a bag of gold. They were two adults yelling at each other about things I couldn’t understand.
My dad was the only one with an income at the time; my mom had quit her job to take care of me and my brother at home. Despite working at an office in an airport, my dad’s pay was small. Maybe something about being under a manpower company. Understandably, my dad wanted to be thrifty. He’s barely able to save money however. My mom on the other hand thinks its better to invest that money. She’s right but sadly she makes very bad investments.
My mom is basically a junkie for make-money-fast schemes. Multilevel marketing with magical supplements that can cure any ailment? She’s done it. Making commission off helping sell property? Yup. Hey, have you heard about bitcoin? Yeah, you should see the facebook groups and group chats she’s in. Did she make money off any of this? Yeah, a bit, but not enough to cover her own expenses and the time she spent attending events and meetings. Long-story short, she’s bad with money. To make things worse, she also buys a lot of crap we don’t need. In the Philippines we have a lot of thrift stores and my mom can’t stop spending money on clothes and kitchen appliances. She’s actually kind of a hoarder but that’s a story for another time.
So, it’s not a surprise that my mom and dad fight a lot about money. Well, not really fight. My dad just gets really upset when my mom asks him for money knowing that she’ll buy something stupid with it. He always angrily yells out things like “Magdahan-dahan naman kayo sa paghingi ng pera” (~“Stop asking for money all the time”) and “Di naman kayo ang nagbabayad” (“You’re not the ones who pay”). Note that ‘kayo’ in Filipino is the plural form of ‘you’ which means he’s addressing everyone at home.
That got to me. Even if I needed money for school, I’d refrain from asking my dad for money. The idea of stressing him out stressed me out too, so as much as I could, I tried not to ask for any money from him, other than my daily allowance of P100 (~$2) which was barely enough to get a snack and to pay the fares.
Our home might better show how broke we really are. For about three years now, our front door was kept shut by a bolt-lock when everyone’s inside and a padlock when everyone’s out. The door has rotten and fallen apart and my dad just haphazardly pieced it together. One good kick is all it will take to open that up then we’ll get robbed. I’m surprised we still haven’t been. Then there’s our ceiling which is literally falling apart, thanks to the many cats running around in it. We also have malnourished dogs; I’m not proud of that. I’m not proud of any of this.
Being Broke in College
Here’s a fun fact: about a year after my ex and I separated, I asked if I could get a loan from her because I needed to buy a laptop. A few months later I add another loan for an expensive project at uni. When I told my current girlfriend about this she was just like “Oh my god, David.” I’m guessing she won’t be lending me any money if we break up.
Kidding aside, I did have a lot of expenses in uni, and never enough money. The only reason I’m able to study in the university is my scholarship. I only bought a laptop in my fifth year in college, and yes, I really did borrow money from my ex for it.
I tried different thrifty strategies. I tried packing lunch. I tried walking instead of riding public tranpo, to save a few coins. Sometimes I’d walk home just because I didn’t have any money left at all. What small money I had saved was never enough whenever I had stuff to pay for. My only relief was my small stipend from my undergrad scholarship. It wasn’t a lot, but it certainly helped.
Realizing how broke I was, I wanted to make some money. I needed to. That’s when I started tutoring.
What I liked about tutoring is how easy it was for me. Oh, your son needs help with linear algebra? Easy shit. Polynomials? Pffft, nothing an engineering student couldn’t handle. World history? Wait, I’m gonna have to review that first. In all seriousness, I think I’m a good tutor. All my students have said so themselves. And the pay was good enough for me, at my highest I made an extra P2400 a week. It was nice being able to go to the canteen and not having to look for the cheapest item on the menu.
What I didn’t like about tutoring was the time it took from me. I could be working on that paper but here I am commuting on the train. I could be studying for that test but here I am teaching a kid how to combine variables. It was a necessary tradeoff. My grades suffered a bit but not enough that I had to worry about losing my scholarship. So, I tutored for a few years more.
The Climb Out
Eventually, I graduated, 2018. Finished cum luade, thank you very much (although I always regret not pushing a bit harder to make it to magna cum laude). Instead of preparing for the board exams and eventually joining the work force, I decided it would be better to take graduate studies, this time in computer science.
It was a good decision. The government offers scholarships for full-time graduate students with a competitive monthly allowance. This was it. This was the financial stability I was hoping for. I’ll finally be able to get that god damned door fixed.
A few weeks ago I signed the contract. I was officially a scholar. They gave me a bank account for the money they’ll give me every month. Never really had a bank account before. Neat. A few weeks later the first few allowances come in. I have five digits in my account, close to six. Nice. I pay off my debt to my ex (we’re in good terms, really). I buy a kindle to help me study; it’s secondhand. I’m still cheap. I also buy more dog food. I look at the price of doors online.
Most importantly, I was also planning ahead and considering making some investments. Banks won’t grow my money. I need to make an investment. I compare different trust funds, bonds, and investment options. I consider getting a small franchise, money I’m willing to lose. I also want to get my teeth done, and get my stomach checked. I install the moneylover app. I make budgets. I also tell my dad to stop giving my daily allowance. I don’t need it anymore.
I didn’t realize it at the time but I was genuinely happy then. I was finally getting my shit together. I was starting to be financially capable and I focused on my studies, no more tutoring on the side needed. Then suddenly…
My Mom Falls Ill
At first it was just a bad case of sinusitis. My dad had been able to save lately, with two kids out of college after all. He paid for the expenses and she was out in a day. The problem is, she doesn’t get better. She only gets worse. Three weeks after the first ER visit, we find a tumor in her head, a cyst in her liver, and a mass in her lungs.
Years of smoking. The results of her biopsy are not in yet but it’s most likely cancer, and it’s most likely spread from the lungs to different parts of her. The doctors warn us that treatment is gonna be pricey. Treatment hasn’t even started yet but our money is already being drained by the medical expenses. I withdrew most my cash and gave it to my dad. Right now there’s only enough there to keep the account open. My dad has been withdrawing most of his cash too. My brother is helping too, but he’s making so little money being a on-call photographer. We’re begging family and friends to help. The expenses keep piling up. One time I was at a pharmacy buying an antibiotic called ertapenem and when the pharmacist told me how much it cost I actually yelled out ‘WHAT?’, thinking that there must be some kind of mistake.
I’m not sure we can keep this up. I’m not sure I can. This is just pre-treatment expenses. There might be chemo, surgery, probably more things ahead. Our doctor gave us an estimate of how much her brain surgery might cost. Our combined bank accounts can barely cover a third of it. It’s stressing me so much that I’m getting migraines just thinking about it, and I constantly think about it. Other times I just want to break down and cry. I haven’t so far.
Big picture, I tell myself. Big picture. The money will probably come. Your relatives are well off; well better than you. Don’t worry about it. Help will come. You’ll afford it. Somehow.
But Will It Be Enough?
I was expecting my mom to get sick soon enough. She’s turning 63 this year and (was) an active smoker. I was just hoping it would be a few years from now, when I’ve had some money saved up, or some sort of business running, or maybe moved somewhere where healthcare is more affordable. I was hoping it would happen later, when I could take care of her better. Now, I’m just hoping it would happen sooner.
I just want her to go now. I just want her to fall asleep and not wake up. It would be so much easier that way. The expenses will stop racking up and we’ll be able to chip at it. Of course, that’s not what I really want. What I really want is for it to be over. I want her to be instantly healed, to be discharged good as new, as soon as possible. I want that so badly that I dreamt it a few nights ago. Sadly, that’s all it was. Just a dream.
Whenever I think about the brain surgery and the chemo she might go through, I can’t help but feel doubtful that any of it would help. Even if it did, her old age would just bring in more illnesses, more pains, more expenses we can’t afford. Her surviving this ordeal would just mean longer medical bills in the future.
I’m sorry for being selfish, reddit. I don’t want to be buried in debt; I don’t want to be financially disabled again. It’s really. Fucking. Hard. To live like that. I want financial security. I want to make investments. I want them now because growth takes a long time and I don’t want my future children enduring this pain I’m going through when I’m old. I want her to die. I’m sorry, mom.
(I also want that god damned door fixed.)
If you made it here, thank you.
First of all, don’t you have shit to do? Anyway, thank you for reading this. I really just wanted to vent out how I’m feeling about all that I’m going through. If you read most of what’s on here, thanks. I’m imaging us sitting in a circle like in AA meetings and talking about our problems, and this rant is my turn to speak. I feel devastated about all this. Having written this is a comfort.
For now, I don’t really have a choice but to go along with the motions. If the doctors say chemo might work, we’re probably gonna go for it. My mom also needs brain surgery to remove a tumor in her head, but that will have to come after the chemo, or way before. Most of my stipend will probably go to her medical expenses; I just hope it doesn’t arrive late when we need it. I’m just gonna have to go back to being thrifty again.
I’m also looking into government agencies and NGO's that can help. A kind lady at the hospital gave me some advice on how I can politely ask for help from senators and congressmen. Relatives abroad are also sending some money. If worse comes to worse, we might start selling some stuff at home. Well, this laptop is pretty old anyway.
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