Relationship duration: Almost 2 years, but we've known each other as acquaintances for about 5. This post got kind of long, sorry :(
So, to give some context - I've always thought my boyfriend was pretty inconsiderate, this isn't a new thing. I just thought maybe because he really didn't have much relationship experience, it was something we could work on. In the beginning of the relationship we had serious issues where he would not put his phone down in any scenario - on dates with me, he'd be on his phone scrolling through Instagram and Twitter. With my friends, on his phone. With his family, on his phone. When waking up in the morning, and after sex before bed, on his phone. While watching TV together, on his phone. It took months of discussions about this to fix the issue, and now it is mostly solved - he's never on his phone during any of these scenarios, even though during discussions, he's often said that he disagrees with me about some of these things being "quality time" and that he doesn't think it's an issue. Nonetheless, finally, it's pretty much solved.
Other issues with being inconsiderate (in my opinion) include:
- Telling me he didn't want to go on vacation with me because he was "traveled out" from a big 3 month trip he did right before we got together - but then going on a road trip with a friend to a music festival, and actively planning a Burning Man trip with his other friends (though that Burning Man trip didn't end up happening). This is also solved after discussing it, and we've now gone on plenty of trips together, but I still sometimes think about it and get annoyed that it was ever even an issue.
- nOt rEaLLy BeInG a BiG pLaNnEr oR tExTeR, leaving me feeling like a low priority. Examples include an event we had planned to go to after work, and he said he was going to leave work at 5 to get there, so I figured I would too. Halfway there he tells me he hadn't left yet because it's raining and he hates rain - except he had both of our tickets and if the venue didn't have a covered entrance then I would have been standing in the rain for half an hour. I just would have appreciated some sort of "hey I have her ticket, I should let her know when I leave since it's raining" thought to cross his mind, but over the last two years it's become apparently that his brain really doesn't work that way.
- Actually the reason I'm posting this post is another instance of "why didn't he just think of texting me about it first?", which is that - today is a good friend of mine's housewarming party and I had let him know about it and suggested he and I could make some sort of appetizer together to bring. He said that'd be great. My fault in the situation is forgetting to give him the details of the party. A couple days ago he tells me that he and his friend are going to experiment with bitcoin and buy some drugs off the deep web if I'd like to join, to which I said my friend's party is Saturday, and he said he had assumed it was a party at night and asked me where it was. When I said where it was (which is fairly far for NYC standards - Brooklyn to upper Manhattan, maybe a 45 minute train from my house), he was like "oh okay" and yesterday decides he's hanging with his friend instead. Alone this is a small thing and I'm usually a patient and chill/understanding person, at least I like to think, but idk... it would have been nice for any remotely considerate "person is asking to make plans - I have plans Saturday and am not sure what time it is - maybe I should text girlfriend to double check" thought to cross his mind. But, as usual, nope.
- He and I just started doing yoga together at a studio, and he knows that I'm a very reserved person in new situations/with new people and it takes me a while to become comfortable. People were getting started/stretching/whatever waiting for the class to start, and I whispered something to him (honestly at this point I don't even remember what it was about exactly, but it was a question about something yoga-related), and he just loudly went "you've gotta stop mumbling, I can't hear you." This is a new phrase that seems to have popped up - saying "stop mumbling" - but it's not the first time that I've felt that he isn't really in tune with who I am and how his words come across. A simple "what's that?/what did you say?" would have sufficed, considering it was a quiet/relaxed environment and I was feeling shy and was trying to communicate something to him discreetly - but as soon as he went "stop mumbling" I was super embarrassed and just said nevermind. This kind of thing has always been an issue in the relationship as well, where he'll get onto some phrase that's quite negative or harsh and start using repeatedly until I point out that it bothers me, and I honestly don't even think he realizes how it comes across. His brain really truly only operates on thoughts like "I can't hear her, why is she whispering? What's the problem here?" when literally all I've been asking for throughout the relationship is for him to JUST ONCE think "Why is she whispering? I know that she might be nervous and feels out of her comfort zone in this new class, I didn't hear what she said but maybe it's because she's uncomfortable and I should match her volume level and make her feel a bit at ease." JUST ONCE.
Honestly a big part of the issue is communication; he is (and knows that he is, as one time he had mentioned that his last relationship ended due to communication issues on his part) absolutely terrible at communicating details, putting himself in other peoples' shoes and considering what they are thinking or why they might be doing something a certain way, things like that. He apologizes and actually is okay at not doing a thing I ask him not to do anymore, but what I've noticed as the relationship matures is that it just seems like he can only process a certain exact request and repeat the expected output every time that scenario happens - like "this specific thing bothers her, okay, I won't say that specific phrase again" - rather than extrapolating out "this specific thing bothers her, why does it bother her? she's shy and out of her comfort zone in new scenarios / she considering a lot of spending time together quality time and feels disrespected when I use my phone / whatever - the scenario we're in right now is new but similar and maybe it would make her feel comfortable if I considered how she might be feeling now." I hope that makes sense. I love him and I truly believe he loves me too and is trying, but these kinds of things happen ALL the time and I'm not asking for him to read my mind - I'm just asking for him to consider me. Otherwise it feels as though as I get deeper into the relationship and consider him more in my day-to-day, things feels stagnant because it feels like I'm not a priority and I'm just kept at arms' length from him. We've already had one come-to-jesus talk about how I'm not really happy with how things are going, and I'm starting to get really anxious about the sheer number of "hey it bothered me when you did this" talks I need to have, at 2 years in, when it feels like he should know me better than this by now.
---
tl;dr: My boyfriend is inconsiderate; that's just how he is and I don't even think he realizes it. I wish he would consider me sometimes and think a little bit deeper about things that bother me and the person that I am, and it all feels very surface-level and like the relationship isn't progressing further. It feels like he should be able to communicate with me and be more in sync with me than he is.
No comments:
Post a Comment