At the risk of mostly getting messages from men with ulterior motives under the guise of 'wanting to make genuine connections', I'm just reaching out to whoever I can for idek what. Talking? Voice chat? Movie streaming? Emotional support? Bitcoin trading? (Seriously though, please don't hmu to talk about bitcoin. I don't know jack shit and honestly, ya bitch is too dumb to even be working in tech)
I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. Looking at where I'd rather be, where I am right now. The things I wanna accomplish in life, being aware of all that's in my way and not being able to get past them. The crippling loneliness and feeling incredibly unsupported and unloved. So, I did bit of a cleansing. Having graduated this year, I decided to weed out all superficial, surface-level friendships, people who've never made me feel accepted or comfortable in my own skin. And now, I'm left with no one. Nothing. Just me. And my mostly toxic, emotionally dismissive parents. Most of us grow up in households where crying is a crime and indicative of weakness, and I seem to have adopted that mindset too, at least until now. Pretending to be the cool Internet chick, the bad bitch with commitment issues, the ambitious, career-driven woman who doesn't need anyone besides herself. Shit gets tiring. Don't get me wrong, I still have goals and aspirations, a life of my own. Just no one to share it with, no one who cares. It's all pointless. Your hobbies and interests, career goals mean nothing if you don't have people to love and support, and people who give you that in return. We're all deserving of love and security, and it sucks that so many of us live our lives without ever getting it. You know the saying, 'Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else'? I don't quite understand how that works. How can one be undeserving of validation and intimacy just cause they're having to deal with self-esteem issues, which they're not even to be blamed for? It's difficult to see yourself in a positive light when you've been conditioned not to.
Ngl, I have an incredible amount of resentment for the environment I grew up in. College, school, family. I wanna be able to forgive everyone and let go, but just can't. Cause no matter how toxic it all was ,replaying past events in your head is comforting cause it's familiar. And I fear the unknown. Funny thing is, it's not the pandemic that's made things worse for me. If anything, it's actually given me the time and space to really take a good look at myself, my patterns and see what went wrong, what I'm still struggling to learn. Idk where I was going with this. I usually am upbeat and productive, but it's been incredibly hard to keep things light-hearted and to not take myself too seriously, not when my sense of self is literally falling apart and I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore. So, I really just wanna talk. To anyone, about anything.
Tldr: I'm looking for lab rats for my astral projection experiments (Sorry, I have to throw in something quirky cause I can't be openly vulnerable for too long 👉👈)
I probably won't be paying attention to the comments so dm if you wanna talk. Stay safe 🌻
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