Everything sucks about me, and there's no one to blame but myself.
Growing up i was always the freak that everyone keeps distance from, and i never got invited to events/parties.
I've always been doing bad at school works. Did pretty bad at high school entrance exam and it ended up costing my parents some great fortune to send me to a private school. (I am from a non-US country where the good and also low cost public high schools have entrance exams).
The same thing basically repeated itself for college. Couldn't do well in entrance exam. Ended up again costing my parents some very great fortune to send me to a private one that isn't even that good.
Didn't do well in college again. I was right on the edge when graduating such that I was one grade away from the failing the GPA threshold to graduate.
After college i neet'ed at home for one whole year before managed to get a job.
Don't think i do well at work neither. I've been here for 3 years and i am still at the bottom of the food chain among all in similar roles. Every single one else is much better in terms of both skills and knowledges.
I'm probably a huge disappointment and money pit to my parents.
Personal wise it's again a total failure. I hadn't kissed a girl until 27 year old, and i don't see any hope to maintain interaction with one, and absolutely no way to have a family in the future, given my interpersonal ability.
I was so bad at self-care such that i got type 2 diabetes at age 17.
There's simply nothing interesting about me. I don't even have answer to questions like what hobbies do you have or what do you do for fun. It's just nothing. Thought i'd still enjoy video games, but my PC has been sitting there collecting dust and never turn on since 2019. Thought i'd still enjoy movies/TVs; hadn't turn on my TV since 2020. Thought i'd enjoy hobbyist electronics; hadn't touched a soldering iron or arduino since college. Nowadays I'm just sleeping on bed for 14 hours or more a day if not working, and spend spare times refreshing the same webpage over and over.
And there were a series of financial mistakes. Was mining bitcoin for fun back in college only because I thought it was cool to use gaming rigs as space heaters, but never even read anything about crypto and never take it seriously. I never withdraw from that BTC guild such that i lost them all when they closed, so i mined for nothing but heat. If i had read anything about crypto and/or economics/finance, i would at least have withdrawn and secured my wallet.
I repeated basically a similar financial mistake in work. I sold my first year's RSUs at 60; second year's at 130. And guess what, this is the third year and they worth 400-ish. If i had read anything, just anything about finance, i would have known that it's in a growing stage and would have hold on to the shares and be able to now actually get a place that i'd enjoy living in.
Well i repeated similar financial mistake again. Someone was telling me to buy game stop back in Jan. If i had read anything about short squeeze, i would have buy them at 20 instead of 400.
I seem to just couldn't learn from the mistake of under-preparation. Rushed into a house because of being scared by the market; had it closed few weeks ago. After calming down form the hype and impulses and thinking about the place over the last 2 weeks, I like none of its location, interior or lawn; I don't see a way to deal with it. Then looking back at similar listings this month, there are bigger ones with better interior/exterior/lawn/garage in the same block being sold for tens of k under. Basically i overpaid a huge portion, just because i was impulsive and couldn't do proper research. With this much overpayment, I wouldn't even be able to cover my mortgage principle if i am to sell it rn even before commissions.
Health professional helps? Yeah, i've went through like ten different SSRIs and SNRIs since college; none helped despite the drowsiness, inability to focus and nausea. Doing some insulin or burning some charcoal might actually give peace.
Like what's the purpose of my existence? I don't see myself making any difference to anyone or anything.
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