MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a bizarre turn of events at a local supermarket, 34-year-old Max Greenbaum caused a scene when he discovered a strange and mysterious item in his wallet: paper money.
Greenbaum, who had been using digital payment methods exclusively for the past several years, found himself in a state of sheer panic when he opened his wallet to pay for groceries and encountered the archaic artifact. Onlookers reported that Greenbaum began to sweat profusely and mumble incoherently to himself as he held the bill in his hands.
"It was terrifying," said Greenbaum. "I was just trying to pay for my avocados and kombucha, and then I saw it—a greenish piece of paper with some old guy's face on it. I couldn't figure out what it was or why it was in my wallet."
Fellow shoppers watched in bemusement as Greenbaum attempted to use the cash by tapping it against the card reader, waving it in front of the cashier, and even attempting to insert it into the chip slot.
"I thought he was playing a prank at first," said cashier Janine Thompson. "But then I realized he was serious. He just kept saying, 'How do I use this? Is this a coupon? Is it a ticket to something?'"
After several minutes of confusion, Greenbaum finally handed the perplexing paper to Thompson, who swiftly completed the transaction and handed him his change—a series of coins, which only served to further bewilder Greenbaum.
"I didn't even know they still made those things," Greenbaum said, staring at the metal disks in his hand. "I mean, what are they? Ancient relics? Alien currency? I was so confused."
As Greenbaum left the store, still visibly shaken, he vowed never to use paper money again and promptly downloaded six new digital wallet apps to ensure he would never encounter such a predicament in the future.
When reached for comment, Greenbaum's grandmother expressed her dismay at the situation. "Back in my day, we used cash for everything," she said. "Kids these days don't know the value of a hard-earned dollar. Or what it looks like, apparently."
Despite the incident, Greenbaum has made a full recovery and is now considering launching a YouTube channel to educate others about the mysteries of paper currency and the dangers of neglecting one's wallet.
At press time, Greenbaum was seen in a local coffee shop attempting to barter with the barista using his smartwatch and a handful of Bitcoin.
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