Friday, August 21, 2020

Crypto Investing for Dummies (quite literally)

I'm not exactly a veteran, but after 3 years in this game I wanted to offer some advice for any newbies here:

  1. Don't do your own research. Just ask someone on reddit what to invest in. They will be happy to help and it will save you a lot of time and hard work.

  2. Always invest more than you can afford to lose. If you don't have enough money, try to take out a loan.

  3. When your hairdresser/ mechanic/ aunt Wilma tells you they've just bought Bitcoin, you know it's time to max out those credit cards (if for some inexplicable reason you haven't already) and go all in!

  4. Want to double your holdings? Go on twitter and you will find plenty of celebrities who are willing to give you back double whatever you send them. I shit you not.

  5. Don't take profits (in the unlikely event that you have any profits after following the above advice). Instead, hodl your coins all the way from the top of the bull down to the bottom of the bear. When you're approximately 95% in the red and everyone is saying 'Bitcoin is dead' it's finally time to give up and sell. But fear not- your sacrifice will signal the beginning of the next great bullrun.

  6. And finally, (as you will no longer have money left for a car or a haircut) make sure you wait for your aunt Wilma to give you the buy signal before you re-enter the market, telling yourself you've learned from all your previous mistakes and will definitely not be making those same mistakes again.

Have I forgotten anything? Feel free to share your words of wisdom in the comments below.


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