I'm selling my car today.

This is the car that I was so focused on obtaining for nine years. I got to living on my own a year and a half ago and I couldn't take being cooped up where I lived, just as I couldn't take being cooped up in the dorms and just as I couldn't take being cooped up in my parents' house. I feel as though being cooped up in my parents' house is a different story, though.

At least, I hope that I'm selling the car. Someone contacted me and he's very interested in it. My mother had an absolute fit after the car was delivered. There was going to be no way that I was going to be able to keep it. She just filled out the end of year expense report because she's my representative payee.

I don't want to lose her as a representative payee, to be honest. Anytime that I take any big steps that my family doesn't expect toward personal independence, it becomes a very dreadful experience.

I'm just going to keep making my way through school. I don't want to have a boss. I worked over the summer for my school and I'll be working for my school for two weeks starting on Monday. All my life, I've had great difficulty with authority figures and the prospect of having colleagues would drive me insane. I've been going through school alone, which is how I prefer it.

I feel royally embarrassed. I had invested money that I had made from student refunds. Essentially free money because I'm eligible for the Total and Permanent Disability Discharge. If I hadn't spent it, I would've had about $50,000 right now. I just couldn't TAKE being stuck in this apartment, though. A car was supposed to fix that. With all the stuff that I bought, I feel a lot better being in this apartment now, but it's not what having a car would've done.

By the way, being on campus all day would NOT have been what I've been looking for. A car, and only a car, was what I was looking for. Hopefully, I'll sell it today.

Edit: No, I would've had closer to $60,000 because I had spent what I had invested multiple times.

Edit 2: This has been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm talking about getting free money through student refunds. I just feel embarrassed. For once, I'm not begging my mother for drives anymore because I have enough gadgets in here to keep myself entertained. I just wanted a car, though, to find that it's going to be impossible until I gain complete independence from my parents.

It was near the end of the semester that I had spent my investment the latest time and I couldn't take the stress. Just as I've pulled crazy things on Sundays, at the ends of summers, at the ends of other semesters, and at the ends of school breaks. Other people looked forward to school breaks. I had dreaded them. My mother would say things now "You're doing this NOW because you don't want to LEAVE PARIS!" Absolutely not. I hated being in Paris. I spent entire summers in Paris because my grandmothers had lived there. It was just that I had held it in for the entirety of my times there and then, I had let it out near the ends of my times there.

Edit 3: This'll be the last of my edits. Yes, the "investment" was Bitcoin because it's the only "investment" that I can possibly make under my personal circumstances. It's something that I've been into since I had learned about it. I had 1.02 BTC in 2014 and my family made my life hell over it. My mother has been screaming at me about it since I started getting the refunds, too. "You think you're going to make MONEY from your money on the NET!" and "They're asking people who DO that ELECTRONIC MONEY to say SO ON THEIR TAXES!" I've heard that one multiple times. Just...leave me alone.

You can tell me "Be strong." as much as you want me to, but this all messes with my head. I HATE my personal circumstances where I'm rushing through highs and lows. My mother has the nerve to tell me that I'm "bipolar," but I'm just FUCKING STRESSED, man. And it doesn't go away. Real smartasses will tell me "Stress is a part of life." They don't live forced to deal with poor people stuff while you KNOW what will relieve that stress, but it's always out of reach because you JUST CAN'T HAVE IT as your circumstances currently are and the light at the end of the tunnel isn't yet visible. The highs are really scary. They feel physical in nature.

Edit 4: I'm actually going to leave another edit. In 2018, my professor had told me "Don't you feel like an IDIOT for spending your Bitcoin?" I just told him by email "Please don't blame me. Please don't tell me 'Don't you feel like an idiot for spending your Bitcoin?' I explained in the previous two emails and again, I feel very embarrassed." The highs are just so exhausting. When I was in the hospital for something from 2018 to 2019, I had explained to another patient about all the exhausting things out of my control that I've been through and she had asked me "Is that why you're always moving?" Possibly.

Edit 5: After this edit, I'm getting ice cream from the freezer. More specifically, I think that that patient had asked me "Is that why you can't stop moving?"

Should I read this all to my mother, nevermind....I hope the light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible soon. When I explain this to people, real smartasses tell me "Your life is still going to have CHALLENGES without your parents!" I just want them to get their woke asses out of my face.

Edit 6: The ice cream tastes good. Just so that you understand, the highs are an attempt at a relief from the stress. Back when I was attending those social events that made me feel so sick (and I was attending them in order to obtain a relief from the stress), I had masqueraded as "a silly person."