TUESDAY, JULY 27, 2021/ Finely crafted by Lily Herman
Ahoy, folks! Welcome to … Tuesday. Bleh. Let’s make it better: We’ve got Olympic stories that'll give you warm fuzzies, Jeff and Elon doing casual #BillionaireThings and a guy who’s really set the bar impossibly high for wedding anniversary gifts. Like, y’all are screwed.
News To Know
- Vaccine mandates are becoming all the rage as the Delta variant spreads rapidly and another COVID-19 wave takes hold. In some cases, folks are even being told to get vaxxed or get out.
- Congressional Republicans say that the Senate is 90 percent of the way there with that darn infrastructure bill. At this rate, I’m gonna be a centenarian when this thing finally passes.
- Confused by all of the conservatives who’ve done a sudden about-face on vaccinations? Here’s a better understanding of what’s going on.
Finance For You
- If you don’t care about the Delta variant for health reasons, may I present you with another consideration: Economists say it could be bad for consumer spending. Oh no!
- Which stocks are going to rally soon? The quants at Goldman Sachs are paid an absurd sum of money to predict this stuff, and this is what they're vibing with.
- Another day, another fickle crypto moment. Yesterday Bitcoin's price surged after speculation that Amazon would start accepting digital currency, only to tumble again when the corporation denied it. Sigh.
Tokyo Games
- Today's Olympics fodder: Organizers lied about the weather conditions of the Games. Temperatures are currently soaring in the mid-90s, and humidity’s at an all time high. Basically no one’s having fun.
- Teenagers dominated the podium at the inaugural women’s skateboarding event, and once again, I feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life
- Two feel-good stories: Hidilyn Diaz won the first-ever gold medal for the Philippines after the country’s 97 years of Olympics participation, and fan-favorite skeet shooter Abdullah Al-Rashidi celebrated his latest bronze medal under the Kuwait flag for the first time. *sobs uncontrollably*
Sports. Sports. Sports.
- It’s official: Texas and Oklahoma are starting the arduous process of peacing out of the Big 12 and joining the SEC. It’s now more a question of when they make the jump than if.
- Colts head coach Frank Reich won’t make an appearance at the start of the team’s training camp after testing positive for COVID-19. Reich reported that he’s vaccinated and asymptomatic. Bummer.
- The NCAA’s investigation into Arizona State’s alleged recruitment violations continues, and the college is beginning to put folks on administrative leave in the process. This could get uggo.
Culture Corner
- A woman got a not-so-great surprise after coming home from six months abroad. Turns out some pigeons made her bedroom their home. Rude!
- People couldn't accept that Taco Bell discontinued the popular 7-Layer Burrito, so they hacked their own version — *and* it costs less than the original. Love this ingenuity!!!
- Well, if you want to feel emo today, this TikTok trend using a song from ‘Euphoria’ will do the trick.
Tech Talk
- The Hubble Space Telescope found evidence of water vapor on Jupiter’s biggest moon, Ganymede. That's cool and all, but just once I'd love to see a planet or moon or star named Todd. Or Steve. Pam, maybe?
- Speaking of space, Jeff Bezos is gunning hard for NASA’s lunar lander contract by offering absurd incentives. He’s fighting Elon Musk’s SpaceX for it. My proposal: Put them in the ring and have them duke it out.
- Spotify’s trying to get you even more addicted to its app by adding a “What’s New” feed so that you never leave. Goodbye, productivity.
Entertainment Spotlight
- The ‘Sex and the City’ reboot has been full of endless leaks, and I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this whole thing going to be spoiled before it ever sees the light of day?
- LeVar Burton had a particularly exciting first day as a ‘Jeopardy!’ guest host: One of his contestants walked away with the lowest score in the show’s history, a whopping $-7,400. Tough break for that guy.
- There was a lil’ tumult among the royals after Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s daughter Lilibet was left off of the official line of succession. The error was fixed and she’s now eighth in line, but something tells me that the seven-week-old infant couldn’t care less.
Fantastic Finish
A man rented out a movie theater to celebrate his 14th wedding anniversary with his wife and surprised her with a tape of their ceremony, which they'd previously been told was accidentally erased. Best of luck topping that.
Thanks for reading today's issue of The Yodel.
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