Thursday, September 22, 2022

I tried to channel my best Jordan for Alex's first day of testimony as a stream of consciousness. Here are my results.

Please forgive any spelling or grammatical mistakes.

Cast for the day:

Alex Jones

Attorney Pattis for Alex

Attorney Mattei for the Plaintiffs

The Judge

Alex has been holding press conferences outside the courthouse for 2 days, but hasn’t stepped foot in the courtroom until now.

Attorney Mattei for the plaintiffs asks why he wasn’t here, when the parents were. He says that he’s here now. Mattei says is because he is legally required to by subpoena.

He thinks the FBI is suing him. They are not.

Mattei: Is your credibility the most important thing to you and your audience?

Alex: No, the most important thing is crushing the Globalists

Roughly 4 sidebars and times the jury has to be excused because the Judge has a standing order not to mention Hillary Clinton, Michael Bloomberg, or other politics, since this is a damages trial.

He looks so bad. Like a bad tan over a bloated tomato. He’s been drinking a lot.

Alex keeps defending having a page on InfoWars called Kangaroo Court, where he calls the current Judge and the trial a sham

He is barred from mentioning bankruptcy. Jury excused again.

When his phone was accidentally sent to Mark Bankston in the Austin case, it was discovered that Alex was getting daily sales updates. Magically, he no longer gets those, and has no idea how much money InfoWars has made in the last month.

Wow, this Judge is being WAY nicer to Alex than he deserves. He posted cartoons with her in red laser eyes all week.

Attorney: Do you agree your reputation is important to you?

Alex: No, I don’t agree.

Alex is all out of fucks. This is dangerous.

They’re bringing up that he sued The Young Turks for lying about him, and Pattis is trying to say this counts as politics and is barred. TYT said that Alex sent child sex abuse material. That was incorrect. See: next section. Lmao, it shows that Alex hates people lying about him, but wants to be able to freely lie. The Judge has no idea who TYT are, and his lawyer is trying to say that Alex thinks they are a conspiracy against him. They were covering the Sandy Hook lawsuits.

The lawyers are fucking sniiiiiping each other.

And now, my favorite part of this case. The only time InfoWars complied with discovery in 4 years, they send every email sent to them which included “Sandy Hook.” That included child sex abuse material. Alex went on InfoWars and said the plaintiffs planted it, and offered a million dollars for the head of the lawyer on a pike. One hell of a sidebar is happening now. Pattis knows how badly Alex fucked up back then. Alex held up a picture of Attorney Mattei while offering a reward for whomever produced it. Mattei is fucking piiiisssseeeedddddd. And now they’re going to start rolling the video of Alex doing all of this after the break. Lmao

Back from break and Alex is the sweatiest man in the state.

Mattei points out how many private security guards escorted Alex to court today. This is hilarious. They are the most conspicuous people in the world. Full black on black suits. Alex says it’s to protect him after the lies that he produced CSAM. Mattei points out that this is more security than the Sandy Hook family members have.

Oh my God. Reynald is in the courtroom, sitting in the first row. That is the lawyer from the Austin case that sent Alex’s entire phone to Mark Bankston on accident. Lol

Alex mentioned the Texas case, which was barred from being discussed. Ladies and gentlemen, we got another sidebaaaarrrrrrr.

And now we’re talking about Alex swearing that he’s never chartered a jet. Alex says he’s chartered planes, but not jets. Oh, and Alex has insane security systems at his house and office, which of course he does. His fans are insane, and he hates them.

OK, I guess we’re not going to get to the InfoWars video with Mattei’s picture. We’re hung up on the TYT lawsuit. My eyes are glazing over at the minutia. This is why I am not a lawyer. He’s fucking writing out the social media engagements, which was a whole 20 retweets. InfoWars’ has been shown to have an audience of 100M. And, wait, did you hear that sound? It’s another sidebaaaarrrrrr.

Welp, now we’re getting to the meat and potatoes. Does Alex think calling the families of dead children a bunch of actors is bad? Uhh, Alex says “it depends.” Jury excused again. God fucking shit.

Lol, now Alex and his attorney are trying to invoke the 5th amendment protections. At least Pattis knows that Alex loves to talk a bunch of illegal shit. Editor’s note: Alex has already been found guilty by default. This sidebar has gone on for like 15 minutes. I’m getting a beer.

Oh my God, the jury is coming in, and they’re having another sidebar. Kill me.

They’re describing of one of the many disastrous depositions Alex had over the last 3 years. This one includes him lying about a family member of a victim, and saying that they are all fake crying. This is the same one he ended with “Epstein didn’t kill himself.”

And now we’re going to another InfoWars clip of Alex calling everyone an actor. Mattei is approaching Alex, and having him read the minutes of the deposition. Awkward.

Alex keeps on interrupting his objecting defense attorney and answering the questions before rulings come out. He’s fucking his lawyer, and it’s hilarious.

Alex is now describing Russian history about fake villages in WWI/WWII and attacks the Russian Tsars did. Alex is dialed in, and talking about it like it’s his bread and butter. That was almost 100 years ago, and he’s knowledgeable about it.

We’re finally to the deposition where Alex is calling the parents and the DEAD CHILDREN actors. What an unbelievable cunt. We’re breaking for lunch.

They keep playing the depositions, and they are so damning. Alex sat for 9 hours of depositions, and responded like it was his show. Out of his entire staff, he performed the second worst, only because Daria Karpova brought Wikipedia articles she printed out. Rob Dew doesn’t count, because he was basically not there. Again, Alex is digging into the idea that the parents and dead kids were all actors.

Alex is calling the deposition they just watched “highly edited.” It was a clip. The entire deposition is on Youtube. Pattis objects. Alex answers anyways. The Judge has to again tell Alex to stop fucking talking. His new response is now that “well, they looked like actors” and he USED to think it was a hoax. A lot of moves to strike. God damn is he dumb.

Alex now admits that he said that all of the parents were actors. In court. In the state that the shooting happened.

Alex is acting like he doesn’t know that his viewers have committed violence because of his show. Dozens upon dozens of them have proven to been provoked to violence because of his show.

Oh, neat. Now we’re reviewing a 2011 Rolling Stone article about Alex being a piece of shit. Alex has it featured on his homepage and is acting like he doesn’t remember the article. It’s back when he was the same level of unhinged. He has not changed a bit.

Oh hey, we’re getting into all the dumb shit former wrestler Dan Bidondi did, especially with him calling the Boston Bombing a false flag. Dan Bidondi is a mentally unwell conspiracy theorist that Alex sent to Newtown multiple times. Mattei comes with receipts. And yeah, Bidondi was definitely an employee.

Now we’re going to a clip of Alex saying they refer to sending Bidondi to Newtown as “releasing the Kraken.” We are now defining what a Kraken is, and just how insane Bidondi is. Bidondi harassed everyone related to Sandy Hook for years, while holding an InfoWars microphone. It was all livesteamed to InfoWars. He’s a monster. Alex is saying he doesn’t remember it, despite livesteaming it on his site and show for hours.

Now the Judge has to tell Alex to answer questions. Like a child.

And yeah, Bidondi stayed at InfoWars for another couple years, spouting bullshit about Sandy Hook. Bidondi likely still believes this.

Alex keeps answering questions while objections are active. He is kneecapping Pattis’ ability to be a defense attorney.

Oh, neat. We’re going to the famous Super Bowl picture. When Sandy Hook school children sang at the Super Bowl, and conspiracy theorists said that they were the kids who faked their deaths. Alex had a caller he aired that said he was undercover at the Super Bowl, and yelled that 9/11 was an inside job. It’s like an 8 layer dip of bullshit. All he did was yell dumb shit on a mic he snatched.

They’re playing the clip of the guy snatching a mic at the Super Bowl, and praising him like he’s Dr King. Alex says in the clip that he wants to hire that douche.

Alex is now acting like he doesn’t remember him, but Alex still praises in IN COURT about his 9/11 conspiracy shit. Oh, and the next item he infiltrated was a 5K for a Sandy Hook victim, where he said that it was staged. That guy was arrested there, in CT. Yet another insane conspiracy theorist that Alex empowered.

Oh, and now we’re getting to the point that Alex weaponizes his listeners, and that he is a laser guided missile. Mattei is now getting to the meat and potatoes that Sandy Hook deniers have been showing up at the courthouse all week.

An exhibit is now a clip of Alex praising someone for slapping InfoWars stickers on signs around the courthouse. This is so dumb. His listeners are unhinged.

The jury is being excused because Alex is losing his shit, and bringing up BLM. And we have a sidebarrrrrrr.

Mattei is saying that Alex is literally still asking people to donate to InfoWars in his coverage about this fucking court case. 1776 SILVER COINS for $130, that costs $35 to make. But it’s on sale for $99. “Conservatives know about silver and gold.”

Ah, sweet. We’re getting into VasoBeet, one of his bullshit supplements that cost $2 and sells for $40. Alex says that his audience knows about his massive 300% markup. Oh, and his prepper shit where he gets a massive cut. Same thing as his Patriot Supply food kits. God, they make so much money every day.

Oh snap, we’re now getting into all of the crypto donations, that Alex just fucking plugged the URL on air. Alex is admitting that he wants crypto donated as we speak. For those at home, Alex got $8M in Bitcoin last month, in a single donation. Mattei is listing out that the donations go directly to Alex’s wallets, and not InfoWars. Alex has sole access to those wallets. God, I hope he accepts Doge.

Lol, Alex is correcting them that it was $9M in Bitcoin, and not $8M. And Alex moved all of it except $600k.

“I think I sent it all to my company.” “Oh, wait. Except for $100k in bonuses for the IT dept.”

And yeah, Alex definitely pulled it into his personal accounts. Arguments over. Everyone is fired up. Mattei is doing his best job at his Mark Bankston level energy. I love it.

Lol, they come back from break to another fucking sidebar.

Alex is offering that 10% of the English speaking world listens to his show. He doesn’t realize that this is showing how much damage he has conducted with his platform.

286M page views this month, currently. Yeah, he’s fucked.

Alex is finally admitting that the more people come to his site, the more money he makes. Paz couldn’t admit this for 4 days of testimony as the corporate rep.

Alex tries to say that he didn’t call the families actors, and then states that he actually did. Oh, and he lies that he says that he apologized. HE HAS NEVER APOLOGIZED TO THESE FAMILIES.

Last week, Alex says “I don’t apologize for anything. I’m right 99% of the time.” And, Mattei is following it up with him calling a parent a liar and actor. I think we’re going to go to that video. And it will be fucked.

Alex said that this parent was an actor and reading off of a cue card. The card was one of the many love notes that his daughter would write and leave around the house. My kids do this as well. Alex is disgusting.

Mattei is going the fuck off. He is yelling that the parent is right there, and watching Alex. Alex put a target on his back. Pattis keeps objecting and Alex keeps answering anyways.

“Just like all the Iraqis you liberals killed and love. You’re unbelievable. You’re ambulance chasers.” – Alex speaking to an attorney representing defamed families of victims of a mass shooting

Alex calls it a “struggle session.”

“American gun owners don’t like being blamed for this, as the left did, so we rejected it mentally and said it must not be true. I legitimately thought that it might have been staged. I stand by that and I don’t apologize for it.” – Alex, fucking up his defense attorney’s case

“I’ve apologized to the families over and over again, but I don’t apologize to you.” – Alex shouting over everyone, and the Judge cannot control this courtroom.

I cannot adequately summarize the last 20 minutes of this day. Alex is just ranting like it’s his show. Alex says that the Aurora, CO shooter was part of a mind control program.

Pattis again cannot control his client, and neither can the Judge. This is off the rails. I’m surprised Alex isn’t in contempt.

And guess what’s happening? Yep, another sidebar.

Mattei: “There’s going to be another mass shooting, isn’t there?”

Alex Jones: “Do you think I’m going to shoot people? No. But there probably will be.” He chuckles

They pull up a recent poll on InfoWars. They polled the audience on whether another planned mass shooting would happen as a Deep State event before the mditerms. This is a mic drop moment.

Alex is ranting again, and talking about Russian false flag attacks. Holy fuck, Alex says that he stands behind the poll.

They’re done for the day. Holy fucking shit. What just happened?

Oh, and another sidebar because what the fuck just happened?!


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