Family has been rough this year and is always dysfunctional, mum fought cancer this year and is a healthcare worker with poor health all around so it is scary with the virus as well, dad isn't in the picture any more, younger sister is struggling socially at school. One of my childhood dogs had to get put down this year. Brother is violent, involved in drug dealing and a danger to the family (police had to be called on Christmas night to remove him from the house, and he almost got violent with me).
In 2018 I spent a year trying to kill myself by alcoholism (Nicolas Cage's role in Leaving Las Vegas is an accurate representation), I didn't exactly do it to just to cope, I also wanted to suffer slowly and die. I still haven't told anyone why, I live with that alone as I haven't found someone to trust. In 2019 I got really sick from that, I was dying, was in physical agony and mental torment, went through several failed detoxes until I went to rehab in Dec '19.
Despite no support system, alone, during a global pandemic, living with trauma every day, reliving traumatic events, this general but unavoidable feeling that I don't matter or I don't deserve to be cared about; I've still stayed sober for a year, lost 75 pounds, radically changed my thinking/thought-processes, started college for Psychology (considering becoming a clinical psychologist) and making friends (I hope) and started helping others with their mental health.
I can do a lot on my own, I've proved that but I need a support system of some kind because the truth is...I still see myself as just as mentally troubled as 2018/19 and people haven't wanted to be there for me for some reason. Why? Am I not a bit of a success story, do I not have a good nature to myself, am I not worth anything to anyone? I want to help people, I do try to and I want to do so much more. If I got just a fraction of what I gave out and offered in terms of empathy, time, attentiveness, company, help, problem-solving and kindness...I would be on my knees grateful. That would be life-changing for me and I would feel compelled to return the same to others.
Agh that was a heavy 4 paragraph for me to write out, yikes. The emotions. So uh a bit about me, I am 25M from Scotland, accent is a bit more British/English sounding though (Some even say a bit of an American influence). Name's Andy. Very much grew up on the Internet, YouTube in particular. Analytical, thoughtful with my thoughts, try to be good for people. Listen to a lot of podcasts/audiobooks (self-learning stuff). Avid runner (50 miles a week). Gamer. I work as a bitcoin trader and that has done me well for 5+ years but I have always wanted to work in entertainment and recently a career in psychology has become of interest.
All that I am looking for is a platonic friendship but meaningful. I'm looking for people who after reading this think something like "this person needs caring people in his life and I am willing to be one of them". That's a great first for me, If you wholeheartedly feel that way then I would love to get to know you. :)
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